You're So Gay... (and that's bad)

The other day I posted about 2 schools of thought relative to coming out to my kids.  In reality, there is only one for me.


I need to get in front of it and talk to them.  I need to tell them myself.  My oldest son, uses Facebook and I would not want something I say there, or something someone else says, to clue him in before I have a chance to talk to him (and the other kids).


When I do talk to them, what do I say?  I know that I need to tell them the truth, but I am worried about how they will feel about things.  I think the way I tell them is important.  I also think I need to anticipate their questions (as best I can) and be prepared to answer them.

• Dad is a liar.  I am worried about this.  If you believe that people are born gay, you have to wonder what someone is thinking when they come walking out of the closet at age 42 after being married 17 years and having 4 kids.  I know the readers of this blog understand what I was thinking, but my kids do not read this blog (at least I hope they don't).  Neither do they have the perspective to understand what it is like growing up gay in the late 1980's.  How do I explain this so they understand?

• Why is dad doing this?  This is a big one too.  It's not that I am actually "doing" anything.  I am simply adjusting to live my life honestly, as I am.  As who I am.  But I can see from their perspective, I am the person that is causing the upheaval in their lives.  They will think, "How can I do this TO them?"

• Gay is bad. This one will be the hardest one to overcome.  My oldest is a freshman in high school.  My next oldest son is in 7th grade.  They hear "gay" all the time, and it's never a good thing.   There are really two separate issues here.  One is how the kids, particularly the boys, will feel about it themselves.  The next will be how will they be treated if others find out.  I will have to talk about this more in another post.

These are some of the things I have thinking about.  Some of the things that have been causing me stress.

Double Date

Tonight I got back from a double date.  I think really the first one for T and I.   I met him for dinner tonight, with both his sisters and one sister's boyfriend.  So there were 5 of us out for dinner together (and 3 of us were gay).


T's sister's boyfriend seems to be nice and he clearly likes her as much as she likes him.  I hope this goes somewhere for her.  


We were also with T's lesbian sister.  She was very talkative and funny tonight.  The more I go over there and spend time with them, the more I feel accepted by the family.


After dinner, we watched a movie at T's house, on his over-sized couch.  He and I sat on one side, the sister and her boyfriend on the other.  The lesbian sister (I need to come up with better names for them) went up to her room to watch something else.  


It was really nice to be sitting there watching a movie with him and another couple.  Not that I feel like we are hiding when we are alone, but to sometimes be together, openly, and clearly in love, is liberating and validating.  


It was a really good night.

2 Schools of Thought

Over the past few days I have been thinking about talking to the kids about me being gay. I talked to some people about it and there are basically 2 schools of thought.


I talked to my boss at work about it.  He is gay and has been with his partner for almost 26 years.  Last fall they went to Massachusetts to get married.  


My boss got divorced from his wife when his daughter was 3.  He and his partner had been together for 10 years before his daughter finally asked him why he was always hanging out with "uncle _____"  His advice was that I should wait until my kids come to me and ask. 


The plus side of that, is the kids will be ready to hear the truth.  On the other hand, if there is something going on the family that no one it talking about, they may think it is not OK to ask.  Or they may figure it all out, but they will think that me being gay is something they should be ashamed of.


The other school of thought is that I should tell them now.  I should get in front of it, so they know they are going to be OK .  So they know I am OK and they know their mothers is OK.  


I think I am leaning toward getting out in front of it.  I know that K is thinking about that too.

Much Sooner Than I Thought

This has been a busy blog day for me.  


I have mentioned before that I have not come out to my kids yet.  It is really the last thing that I need to do to complete my coming out.  I have committed to myself to get this done by the end of 2011.


A couple of times over the past 6 months have I mentioned to K that we should work out a plan for how to tell the kids everything.  Each time I did, she put me off.  She was not ready for that just yet.  


Now something has changed.


K called me this after-noon as she was heading back to work.  Apparently she had a conversations with the oldest son yesterday that concerned her.  


When she mentioned to him that AJ and his daughter was coming to the house he got quiet.  When K finally got his to talk, he asked a series of questions.


The details are not important, but my son basically asked these questions:

• What wrong with K? (Why can't she stay married to me?)   Answer:  There is nothing wrong with mom.
• What is wrong with Dad? (Same question)  Answer: There is nothing wrong with dad.
• You don't fight, do you still care for each other?  Answer: Yes we do.
• Why can't you stay married?  Answer:  Sometimes things happen and grown ups can't stay married.

Well, he did not really like that last answer but did not ask any more questions.

K is reading some things into his questions.  Some were expected and some were disturbing.

Because my usually talkative son got quiet when she mentioned AJ, K is worried that son thinks that K is sneaking around on me with him.  That he might think she is whoring around, which of course is not the case.  She want us to explain to them, at least the older 2 kids, why we are getting a divorce.  Why it is OK that K is hanging out with AJ and ultimately the nature of my relationship with T.

So over the next couple of days, or weeks, we will figure out how to tell them the truth.  She also want to make sure we do it such a way so they don't feel like we have lied to them or that I did anything to K on purpose.   We need them to feel sure that they will be OK.  That we will still be a family, even though our family may take on a different look.  It will be important that they continue to feel loved.

Even though it is something that I know I need to do, I am a little stressed about about it.  This HAS to go right, and it has to go right the first time.


I'll keep you posted, but for now, I'm going to bed.

Jimmy is Coming to Town

With one exception, K and I have been to every Jimmy Buffett concert that has been near us.  Last year he came to a city about 4 hours from here and we did not go.  This year, he will be here.


Yesterday tickets on sale at 10:00 am sharp and I was online picking up 6 tickets.  TicketMaster must have upgraded their site since 2 years ago, because it was very easy to get my tickets before they sold out.  Why did I get 6?  Well, that is really the topic of today's posting.


K and I both like Jimmy Buffett.  I liked him first.  She not only refused to come with me to one concert, she mocked me for going.  After the show I started playing a lot of his music around our house and she discovered she liked the music... a lot.  When he came back the following summer, we both went and the rest is ParrotHead history.

Since then we have gone to all the shows together.  Even over the past couple of years.  We went to one 3 years ago and K realized that I was not holding her a closely as I had in the past.  This was right when she discovered that I had fallen in love with T (which was against the rules.).  The following year we went again.  This time we were trying to patch up our broken marriage.  T was "just a friend" at that point and I was trying to show her that I still loved her.


Now, 2 years later, things are sooooo different.

This year, I bought 6 tickets, usually I just buy 2.  Of course K and I will go, but this year we will not really be going with each other.  We will be going with our boyfriends.  AJ is going with K.  T is going with me.  There is also another couple that is friends with K, who I don't really know, but K has told them about our situation, and mine.


I am excited for this concert. There are a lot of reasons, not the least of which is I will be sharing something that I really love with my boyfriend like a "normal" couple might.

Almost

I almost had an evening with T.  In fact, I almost had my first sleep over with T since our trip over Labor Day.  But alas... it was not to be.


I had a slow morning but a busy afternoon.  We had a event at the church where K works and I went with her and all the kids.  The event itself went fine and they raised a lot of money, but my oldest son was not feeling good.  He has a seizure disorder and he thought he felt one coming on.  We got him home and gave him some medicine to help him.  I really thought he was going to sleep it all off and be fine so I left for T's house.  It was later than I usually go down there, but since there was a possibility of a sleepover, I did not worry about it too much.


I got almost half way there and my cell started ringing.  It was K saying that oldest son had a pretty serious seizure.  I decided to turn around and call T to let him know that I was not coming.  T was very understanding about why I had to cancel our evening.  I'm double glad I was able see him last Thursday.  I may not be able to see him again until next weekend


While I know I made the right call and did the right thing, I am more that a little disappointed.  


Next time.

Perfect for Us

I had a half of a vacation day to use before the end of the month or I loose it, so it took it on the same day that T does not work.  He was at his house alone so right after leaving I headed there.


When I got there, he took me in the finished basement of the house to how me his new birds. (Canaries, I think.).  He also has a guest room down there with it's own full bath.  He showed me some new furniture, including a bed.  I pulled him down on it and as we laid there, he said, "This would be a perfect room for us."


Of course I melted right there in his arms.  


  


We spent the rest of the day together.  We had lunch, and both ate too much.  We saw a movie and I took an unexpected nap on the couch while he tended to his birds.


All in all, a perfect day.  This gay thing is not so bad.

Coming Into The Light

Oh, when you were young
Did you question all the answers
Did you envy all the dancers who had all the nerve

Look around you now
You must go for what you wanted
Look at all my friends who did and got what they deserved
- Crosby, Stills, & Nash


My friend from out west at http://marturios.wordpress.com/ has stepped into the light from his dark place.  I have watch other men, some of them bloggers, step into the light.  I am stepping out of the darkness into the light.  There are others who are still in darkness, waiting to step into the light.


I was listening to Slacker radio on my Blackberry at work today and "Wasted on the Way" from Crosby, Stills, & Nash came on.  I have heard this song a thousand times, but I think this was the first time I actually listened to the words.  The verse above struck me. 


For much of the time I was married, I looked at gay couples or gay people who were out and I was envious.  They were the dancers who had the nerve.  Now some of those people have been with their partners for 10 years of more.  They went for what they wanted and got what they deserved.  


I am not boo hoo-ing about lost opportunity here.  I am not going back and regretting my past choices.  It's just that when that song came on, I could not help but think there was a message there for me ... and maybe others.

Uncle Arthur

When I was a kid I used to love "Bewitched".  As a kid who felt out of place most of the time, the idea of being secretly magical was pretty appealing.  I liked "I Dream of Jeanie" too, but  given a choice, I liked "Bewitched" better.    


The situations were funny and the over the top quality of the characters were funny too.  Aside from the regulars, Samantha Stevens has a whole host of relatives that, quite literally, popped in and out.  There was the crazy aunt, the senile aunt, the over protective father.  But the one I like the best was Uncle Arthur.

Uncle Arthur was played by Paul Lynde who was an accomplished actor and comedian before "Bewitched."  I was too young to know about any of that, though.  Maybe it was my early gaydar pinging, but I always liked the episodes that featured Uncle Arthur best.

These episodes were usually the funniest, including a lot of slap stick gags. 


Did I like these episodes because they are funny or because I was looking at a guy that I had a lot in common with me?


I guess this post can be filed in the, "How did I not know, category."

Hot and Cold

Sometimes, I run hot and cold.  

Yesterday I had a pretty good day with the kids, and then a really good evening with T and the kids.  While I love my kids, it was having T here that made it really special.

Today, I was again home alone with the kids all day, but there was no visit from T to look forward to.  I was on my own today.  To make it worse my 2 youngest kids decided it was pajama day today so there was no chance that I was leaving the house today.  Not that I really had any where else to go.  

It's not that I am feeling bad.  I'm really not.  It's more that I like consistency and my life does not need seem to have it.

One of those things I have to get used to.

Tangled

For reasons unknown, Yogi bear is only played in the afternoon in my local theater.  We instead went to see "Tangled".  As a lover of the classic Disney animated film, I have to say that this ranks up there with some of the best ones. 

The best part was the company.  I had 3 of my 4 kids with me.  The oldest one preferred to play x-box with is friend, which is cool, I guess.  I was not going to force him.  Best of all T was there with me.

He works on Saturday and came to my house right from his office.  He was only here for a few min before we left to get dinner.  We took the kids to a pizza buffet they like.  I think the pizza sucks, but the kids like it and that's really good enough for me.  If the pizza was better I would probably eat too much anyway.

He sat across from me at dinner.  My daughter begging to sit next to him and my youngest son next to me.  My middle son sat at the far end of the table.  I'm not sure why.  I asked him if everything was OK and he assured me he was fine.

I love sitting across the dinner table from T.  Looking into his eyes fills me with so much emotion, I am sometimes overcome.  My kids were not the best behaved tonight.  Well the younger two were not.  They were teasing and fighting with each other, way too much.  If I was not in the public place I might have knocked their heads together.  T took it all in stride.  Sometimes chuckling how glad he is that he does not have kids of his own.  


In truth, he is really good to my kids and they like him.  That is so important me, since I expect he will be in my life for a very long time.


When we got to the movie, the whole place was empty.  There were really very few people there by the time the movie started.  Maybe 25 or 30.  We sat all the way in the back.  In the top row.  T and I sat next to other with my kids on either side of us.  Once the house lights went down, I crossed my arms on me chest to hid the has I had extended out to hold his.  He did the same.  Normally, in a movie, we will just hold each other's hand, but since I am not out to my kids yet, I thought it best to be discrete for now.  (By the end of the year, I will over that hurdle too.)


After the movie, we came back to my house.  I got the kids to bed and made a couple of batches of my mother's famous peanut brittle for him.  I gave him a big batch on New Year's Eve, but it was all gone now, so I helped him out.


All in all... A perfect evening.

Family Outing (Extended Version)

K is gone for the weekend.  Her team is at an out of town tournament and won't be back until Monday.  


Tonight I had the chance to get a sitter so T and I could go out for the evening.  I asked him if he would prefer to go out with just us (me and him) or if we should do something with the kids.  He thought it would be good to do something with the kids.  I was pretty happy about it.  I will not get any "alone time" with him, but it's OK.  I really like the way he is with my kids, particularly my daughter.


I think we will go out for pizza and then going to see the Yogi Bear movie.  I hope it's not too stupid, but the kids will like it.  I will like being out with my man.

Father Daughter Dance

Last night was the Father - Daughter Dance sponsored by my daughter's elementary school.  My daughter is 6.  That's her in the purple dress.  


We showed up and got our picture taken.  Then we went into the hall where the dance floor is.  There must have 150 girls all under the age of 8 dancing.  My daughter almost immediately abandoned me to dance with the girls she knew from school.


That's how most of he evening went.  I took her to the restroom and as I waited outside for her.  The DJ played the song, "My Girl" and I know all the dads were dancing with their daughters, while I was waiting outside the bathroom.  (It is kind of like going to the mall with your wife, but I digress.)


When she finished that song was over and they started playing "Whatever It Is" by the Zack Brown Band.  My daughter headed for the dance floor, then stopped and came backing, asking me to dance with her.  Of course I was delighted to be asked.


We danced and circled and twirled until the song was over.  The next song was a faster song she liked.  She stopped dancing.  Gave me a hard hug.  Pulled on my sweater so I wound lean down.  She kissed me on the cheek and then turned and vanished into the crowd of dancing girls.


It was so sweet I could hardly keep myself from crying, right there in front of the other dads.  Even now, as it write this, I am having trouble keeping my eyes dry.

Dinner and a Movie

Last night T made dinner for me.  I snapped this picture of him cooking with my Blackberry.

Without calling ahead, I showed up at T's house.  I wanted to surprise him and take him out for dinner.  I didn't realize he had already eaten.  Being the perfect host, he prepared an authentic Vietnamese noodle soup for me and it was delicious.

After, we watched a sappy movie and I melted into his chest.  It was just perfect until it was time for me to go home.

Black & White to Color

K and I were talking the other day.  Well, we had a little spat, that we both overreacted to.  Afterward we both calmed down and started talking.  The issue is really not important, but what she said next was.  


Talking about her relationship with AJ, she said, "My life used to be like the black and white part of the Wizard of Oz.  Everything was in black & white back then so no one noticed anything was wrong.  I was like that.  I had gotten so used to not getting what I want, I didn't know how unhappy I was.  Now suddenly all my of life is in color."


That was a little hard to take.


I know that AJ is curling her toes in bed in a way that I never did.  She does not tell me the details, but she told me that much.  Look,  I get that.  How can you expect a gay guy to perform as well as a straight guy with a straight woman?  But this time she was talking about more than just sex.  She was talking about the other parts of her life.  Like she suddenly discovered what she was missing.  


I know this might sound a little funny, and I really am glad that she has found love and happiness with AJ.  I really, REALLY am.  I just did not think life with me was as bad as that.  I mean, we always seemed to get along pretty well.  We still do. But was it really that bad?


Then I got to thinking, was my "straight" life like living in the Emerald City?  No.  I really wasn't.

I have a memory from a couple of years ago.  K was gone for the weekend at a tournament and I was home alone with the kids.  It was before I had met T.  About this time I was spending a fair amount of time browsing profiles on several online dating sites.  At this time I was not contacting anyone, just looking and dreaming.  


I remember I was in the laundry room.  I was facing the machines.  I was thinking: 


"This is not right for me."  


"This is not where I belong."


"Something is missing."


"Am I really going to go my whole life without finding it?"


What's important is, I was not really happy either.  And I am not even sure I knew I was not happy.    Even if I did, what was I going to do about it?  I was married to a woman that I still loved, even though I knew I was attracted to men.  She was financially dependent on me.  I had 4 kids, 2 of them small.  It's not like I could leave.  Not only that, I was not sure I wanted to leave.  I did not hate my family and I liked being married.  I liked K. 


What the hell was wrong with me.


Then I met T. 


I had met other guys on line.  With one exception, the few I met in real life, had been one time encounters. When I met T, I knew he was different because his first e-mail to me was 7 or 8 paragraphs long.  That was a good sign since I usually did not continue talking to one line repliers.  When I agreed to meet him, I thought maybe he could be a friend with benefits if I was lucky.  A hook up with a sexy Asian guy, if I wasn't.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would fall in love with him.  (Besides, that was against the rules, K and I had worked out)


Once I realized I was falling in love with a man, I suddenly realized what "in love" felt like.  While I loved (and still love) K very deeply, I was suddenly not sure if I had ever been "in love" with her.  Today, as my relationship with T has developed, I don't think I was.  


I think that was what started my swirling.  What was I going to do???  I could not stay married.  I could not leave my family.  I could not pretend to be straight any longer.  I could not deny my feelings for T.  I could not hurt K. 


Falling in love with him was the catalyst that started everything.  Started the two hardest years of my life.  I have documented the second year in this blog.  It was hell.  I never thought I would ever get through it but I did.  Now that I am closing in on the end of year three, things are better.  More colorful.

So I guess both K and I were living in black & white for a while.  Now there is a lot more color for both of us.

Path I Follow

K and I are starting to talk about doing the paperwork for our divorce.   She wants to apply to a local private college that we cannot afford for her to attend.  However, if she were a single mom of 4 kids making only what she earns at the church, she should be able to get all kinds of financial aid.


 I'm not sure why, but I am a little stressed out about it.   I have know for some time this was coming, but I guess I just forgot about it.


I am not in love with her and I know that staying married is not right for either of us.  Besides she has fallen in deep for AJ and they are talking about a long term future.  His daughter is talking about them getting married, but it is too soon for either of them.  AJ still has issues to resolve regarding his late wife before he will be ready. 


I know that we will have a peaceful divorce.  I cannot imaging us fighting about much.  For example, until she is finished with school, I cannot see that we will handle our money any differently than we do now. Once she is finished with school, she will not need my money since we will be making roughly the same.  Of course, we will both pitch in for the kids.  


 Besides, if there is something that she wants and I am not sure I want to give it to her, all she has to do is give me her pouty face, and I will cave.  (I hope she does not teach that to T).


Anyway, I guess this is the final chapter of the marriage.  While I am reasonably sure this will simply be a middle chapter for our relationship, once the marriage is dissolved, she really could leave and never return.  I don't think that is likely, but it could happen and that makes me a little nervous.


Maybe it is a reminder of the failure of my marriage.  It is a reminder of the hurt we went through over the past 2 years.  I guess it is another change and I really don't like change, even though I know it will be OK.

Delight In The Mundane

T does not work on Thursday. Since I was on vacation last week, T and I spent most of the day together last Thursday.  It was the first time... well maybe ever that we had done that. I met him at about 10:30 in the morning and here is what we did:

• Had some "private" time
• When to a house to look at the painting that he found on Craigslist. 
• Took the painting he bought to his house
• Had a casual lunch out
• Met with a contractor doing some remodeling work on his office. 
• Went shopping for a lace tablecloth for him mom. (Oh yea, we looked gay!)
• I drove him home. 

Basically we spent most of our day running his errands.  He kept thanking me for coming with him.  I told him I did not need any thanking. I was just happy to be with him for the day. What we did was incidental. It did not really matter as long as we were together.

What I tried to explain to him was, I delight in the mundane.   It was the simple act of us doing simple things together.  "Together" was the key word.  I am not involved in how he runs his business, but being with him when he met with the contractor, made be feel connected to him.  The paining he bought was for his mom.  She will not know, or care, that I went with him to get it.  Because we did it together, I feel more connected to his life.


It is the everyday, the ordinary that forges the strongest connections for me.  Yes, attending a special event or taking a trip together is nice, but if build a connection with me, take me grocery shopping.

Ass Kicking

We got an X-Box 360 for Christmas.

We got the Kinect sensor with it.

We got The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout

I did it for the first time tonight

First a 10 min fitness test to determine where I am.  (Moderate fitness)

Then a visual body scan to take measurements.  (It confirmed I'm too fat.)

Finally a 30 minute workout with (cartoon) Bob Harper.

Now, I am still breathing heavy and thinking about puking.

Who would have thought I would get my ass kicked by a cartoon?

(Cartoon) Bob says he will have be at my target weight in 12 weeks.

Surprises & Dreams

I was right.  2011 is looking up.


Last night I was up way too late.  I also had touble staying asleep.  I drank a lot at K's party and then while I was driving to bring T home.  No, I was not drunk, I only drank one beer, and the rest was Diet Coke and coffee.  I drank all that so I would be awake for the drive, but all night long I had to get up to pee.  


Once I could stay asleep, I slept until 9:00, which is really late for me.  About 9:30 I got a text from T.  "I  will be in your area, want to meet for lunch?"  Of course I did, but K already had plans, so I told him I would love to, but have to bring the kids with me.


"No problem, bring them." came the near instant response.  (I really love him.)


T is really good with my kids.  My daughter (6) and my middle son (13) seem to like him the best.  My youngest son (9) likes him pretty well, and my oldest son (15) doesn't really give a shit about anyone but himself (unless you are holding an x-box controller.  Last night when T arrived at my house, my daughter attacked him begging in to play a card game with her.  Usually she want him to play Wii with her.  But he played, and was happy about it, while I helped K finish the last minute preparations for the party.  It was just awesome to watch him play with her and I fell in love with him again.


Back to today, I told the kids were were going to have lunch with T and the ones that get happy, got happy and the older one, just asked where we were going to eat.  We picked a pizza joint that is not really that good, but it's cheap and the kids love it.  He was there before us, but we (me, him, & the kids) we all glad to see each other.  


It truly was a nice surprise.


Between lunch today and the party last night, more and more of my dream is coming true.


I have said that the ideal is Thanksgiving dinner, with everyone together.

1. T, maybe one or more of his sisters
2. AJ with his daughter
3. K
4. Me
5. My kids and in later years, their spouses and kids.

Last night, I had, T, AJ, K, Me, my kids at a New Year's Eve party.  AJ's daughter was not there, but everyone else was.  It was not Thanksgiving, but it was a whole lot closer than I ever thought I would ever be.

Tonight K and I talked about that.  We talked about how well everyone seemed to get along together.  AJ, made a effort to talk to everyone.  (T thought he made too much of an effort, but I think he (AJ) meant well.)  T did not say much, but spoke up when he had something to say.

The other couple, who knows the whole situation, seems comfortable even though our situation is outside their experience.  While they have know I am gay for some time, this was the first time they  saw me with my boyfriend.  If they were uncomfortable, they hid it completely.

I have to go back to work on Monday.  Glad I had such a good vacation this week.

Welcome 2011

I did something I did not ever think I would do. I spent New Year's Eve with my boyfriend. At the stroke of midnight I kissed him and wished him a happy new year.

Last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, new year's eve was just another night. Usually, I was in bed and sleeping by 11:00. Just another night.

Tonight was different.

2011 will be different.