Monday, March 21, 2011

Not a Good Day, but Maybe a Clue??



I did not have a good day yesterday. 


I went to church with K and the kids, which went as usual.  I am always uncomfortable there, but that is a story  for another day.  Then we all went to the store to pick up a couple of things.  While we were there, I started feeling stress.  I don't know why, but my body was reacting like I was scared of something, which my brain did not understand.  That conflict compounded the stress.


K went back to work late in the afternoon and I was left alone with the kids and my anxiety.   I was texting with T but I think that was making me worse.  I knew if I called he would try to make me feel better, but all I wanted was a hug from my man.  But he was far away and I was not going to get a hug.  



All through out the day I was thinking about it.  I made a mental check list of all the problems in my life.  If you have been reading blog for any length of time, you know what they are.  I decided that I did not think that T not being with me, was the cause of my problems.  It had to be something else.  


While all the things on my list could cause me stress, none of them are new.  In fact, some of them used to be much worse than they are today.




When K got home from work, it did not take her long to realize that something was wrong with me.  She was a little frustrated that I could not figure out exactly what my problem was.  So I started listing possibilities, including maybe a possible discomfort with her relationship with AJ.  But again, none of the things I brought up was new.  And I really don't have any issues with her new relationship.  In fact earlier in the day, AJ was at the house helping my oldest some with some homework and I was perfectly fine.



So what was my problem?  As I was talking to K, I think I started to get some clarity.  




Last weekend K was gone to a tournament for the whole weekend.  Leaving on Friday afternoon and returning on Sunday night.  This past weekend, she was gone to another tournament all day on Saturday.  On Sunday's she works at church in the morning and has to return in the evening.  The she has practice on Monday & Wednesday evenings.  All the times she is gone are really work for her, she is paid for all of it.  On Friday nights she might get an evening to go out with AJ as a social night out.


Another thing is, AJ's daughter is on her team so AJ goes with them on the tournaments and he is at all the practices.  So while it is work, she gets to spend some time with him.  Not only him, but other adults.  She get's to socialize and has even made some good friends with the parents of her players.


All the time she is gone I am home, alone with the kids.   Now I, I do have a little time for myself.  Usually on Saturday I get to go see T for a little while.  Occasionally, I get to see him on another night during the week, usually Tuesday.  While I love to visit with T, I have no other social interaction with other adults. Just T and K.  That's simply not enough.  I need to have something that will put me in contact with other people.  Hopefully, people I can develop friendships with.






So what do I do about it?


I walk at night to get a little exercise and while I walk, I usually talk to T on the phone.  Last night we talked about the stress I was feeling and how I think that, while it is not a new issue, my being alone all the time with no social outlet is a growing problem.  


As a man of action, while we were on the phone, he pulled out is computer and looked online for groups or clubs that might sound interesting.   He did not come up with too much until he found his way to Meetup.com.




I had heard of this site before, but I had not really explored it too much.  He found a group that is a gay professional's social group.  They had a small event coming up next week, on Tuesday.  I decided that I would go.


When I got home I created a profile on Meetup.com that included my real name and a picture.  I will go back later and fill in the rest of my profile.  I thought I was feeling better, but I had a restless night, not sleeping very well at all.


Today, I am feeling better and I hope I have a better night's sleep tonight.  I am looking forward to the dinner next week.  I will write more about that as it approaches.

1 comment:

Dor said...

Glad you're feeling better and hope you have a good night's sleep.