I have been trying to figure out why I have been having trouble sleeping. There is no unusual stress in my life. My job is stable and going well. K and I are in a good place. The kids are doing well, adjusting to the idea that K and I will separate and they even seem to like AJ. I have no unusual money problems. It's not like we are running with cash, but the mortgage gets paid on time every month and the pantry is always full. Actually, a year ago when I had a lot of stress, I was sleeping like a baby every night.
I am not dealing with the crap associated with gay dating because I have found one man that I share love with. In fact, at the end of this month, it will be 3 years since I met T.
Having ruled out emotional stressors, I went to see my doctor looking for a physical one. He asked me a ton of questions and wondered if the fear of not sleeping was causing me not to be able to sleep. He gave me a medicine to help open up my air way and another to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. The hope being if I can get a few nights of good sleep under my belt it will restore my natural sleep pattern. I tried it on Sunday night and it worked pretty well.
The on Sunday T wrote an entry in his blog about him not being able to sleep because he was worried about me. He did not know if I was awake, pacing my floors or sound asleep with my new medicine. He didn't want to text me to find out for fear of waking me up. So he just wondered. That got me to thinking about our relationship and how it is different from what I had with K. While I think he is a better fit for me (because he is a man) and I have fallen deeply in love with him, there is still a piece that is likely to be missing for a very long time. He and I are not physically together.
K never would have had to wonder if I was sleeping or not. She would have been able to just look over and see. If I needed help, I would have been able to get it, but just asking or yelling or something else if I could not yell. Or even if I just need a reassuring hug. In my current situation I will not be able to get it. I just have to remember that there is a man in the distance who loves me and take as much comfort from that as I can.
It was not until I read that passage in his blog, that I thought, while this has always been an issue for me, in the past 6 or 8 months I have not really thought about it. I have come to accept that our situations will lead us to be separate for a while, maybe a long while. Now to be fair, it is not all his issue. I am not in a place where I am prepared to go very far from my kids. Even if he opened up a place in his home for me tomorrow, or maybe even next year, I would not be able to go.
My choices here are get used to being alone a lot of the time or find a new boyfriend. I don't want to find a new boyfriend. When I attempted to do that last last spring, I learned that my feelings for T are incredibly strong and I did not really want anyone else. (I may have more to say about that another day.) I will have to do my best to get used to my current situation, since there is nothing I can do about it. T is unable or unwilling to adjust his situation and since I want him, I have to live with it. I have written about this before, more than once.
While having a full time partner does go to the core of what I want in life, also realize that nothing is perfect and maybe I can't have everything I want.
As I look over the landscape of gay men that I know, either in the real world or through their blogs, I can see mixed results.
There are 6 couples that I know in real life who have been together a long time. The longest is 26 years, the shortest is 5 years and the average is 12 years. These are 4 male couples and 2 lesbian couples. In addition there are a several blogs I am aware of where the authors have solid partnerships. (I have to confess I don't read many of them often, because I have a hard time relating to that that must be like.) Ultimately, this is what I desperately want for myself. I don't need it today, but I feel like I need it sooner or later.
I know of several gay men who almost aimlessly float from one dating situation to another. Never lasing a long time, sometimes a short a 2 or 3 dates. These men are not happy and long to have someone to love and love them back in return. This is not appealing to me at all. While I'm sure these men may say they value their freedom, I would gladly give up much of that freedom for for the stability of a strong, loving partnership.
So if I cannot have everything I want, maybe I can be glad have most of it and learn to live without the things I'm missing.