Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Do I Want Too Much?

As a rule, I don't think I'm needy.  I do, however, place a high value on stability, and I don't like it when things are in flux.  Now, things are in flux like crazy.

At work my department is going through a reorg that is taking WAY too long.  My gay boss got demoted and now I have no boss.  There are 2 new bosses, but my responsibilities are split between them. I know the job I currently have will be changing, but I don't know how much.  It is possible I may be assigned completely different responsibilities.  There is even a chance, though I think small, I could get laid off.  Over the past few years of upheaval at home, it was comforting to know that work was stable.  Now, not so much.

You know about the stuff that is in flux at home.  I am starting to get used to being at home alone.  I need to work on cleaning the house and making it a place that I actually want to come home to.  The kids are adjusting to their new home and getting into the new routine.  I know this all sounds like it is going well, and it is, but 15 years of constant parenthood is not so easy to let go of.  The change is still very difficult for me.

For example, last night I went to visit T at his house.  I knew it would be a short visit.  I was actually in the car driving there and back, longer than I was with him.  On the way back I stopped at Wally World, to pick up a few things.  As I walked around with my basket, I thought about how I was only shopping for me.  I did not need a whole gallon of milk.  The smaller box of cereal is enough.  The more I thought about the more alone I felt and the more depressed I got.

I know other men, gay and straight go through this.  I know I will survive it, even though it really sucks now.  I also know most men have a better support system.  I have no friends aside from K and T.  My family is very far away.  I have no hobbies and I don't play a sport. If it was not for this blog, I am not sure I would have any outlet at all.

I am taking some steps.  Bowling will help, at least I have a place to go every Monday night.  Being with T helps a lot, but he is so busy it is difficult for us to find quality time together.  I just have a hard time being alone.

T says I should be happy about the good things I have.  He says I want everything, right away and that's not realistic.  He is probably right (he always is), but I just can't help how I feel.  I know this sounds whiny, but that's where I am right now.


T said...

I'm sorry my life is so busy, now, Jim. I can't help it. I hope it will get better soon. I just don't have so much time to go out, but I always love having you hanging around with me while I work. I make you smile, don't I?
Mee loe Ju!

Buddy Bear said...

T sounds very wise; his advice always is sound. Remember, these are early days for your new arrangement... eventually, you and your children will develop new routines which will work for all of you.

TwoLives said...

As usual, I deeply empathize with what your experiencing. If I suddenly didn't have kids and a wife to worry about every, what a shock that would be. This is a big change. It's going to take some time to get your bearings.

On a positive note: not having to worry so much about them means you now have the time and opportunity to spoil yourself. You can indulge your every whim and no one is there to call you on it! Now is the time to do all the things you've always wanted to do but couldn't.

T said...

Jim wants to mow the lawn naked.

Biki said...

I know what you are going thru, been there, did that, hated it. I spent forever being on call for my 4 boys, and then one day boom, they were all grown up and gone. And looking around I found my self in the same place you are, friendless, and while I do have hobbies and whatnot, they are solitary hobbies, gaming, knitting, etc.

Its hard as hellz to build a new life for yourself, but you are strong and have T at your back. You can do this, you really can.