As a rule, I don't think I'm needy. I do, however, place a high value on stability, and I don't like it when things are in flux. Now, things are in flux like crazy.
At work my department is going through a reorg that is taking WAY too long. My gay boss got demoted and now I have no boss. There are 2 new bosses, but my responsibilities are split between them. I know the job I currently have will be changing, but I don't know how much. It is possible I may be assigned completely different responsibilities. There is even a chance, though I think small, I could get laid off. Over the past few years of upheaval at home, it was comforting to know that work was stable. Now, not so much.
You know about the stuff that is in flux at home. I am starting to get used to being at home alone. I need to work on cleaning the house and making it a place that I actually want to come home to. The kids are adjusting to their new home and getting into the new routine. I know this all sounds like it is going well, and it is, but 15 years of constant parenthood is not so easy to let go of. The change is still very difficult for me.
For example, last night I went to visit T at his house. I knew it would be a short visit. I was actually in the car driving there and back, longer than I was with him. On the way back I stopped at Wally World, to pick up a few things. As I walked around with my basket, I thought about how I was only shopping for me. I did not need a whole gallon of milk. The smaller box of cereal is enough. The more I thought about the more alone I felt and the more depressed I got.
I know other men, gay and straight go through this. I know I will survive it, even though it really sucks now. I also know most men have a better support system. I have no friends aside from K and T. My family is very far away. I have no hobbies and I don't play a sport. If it was not for this blog, I am not sure I would have any outlet at all.
I am taking some steps. Bowling will help, at least I have a place to go every Monday night. Being with T helps a lot, but he is so busy it is difficult for us to find quality time together. I just have a hard time being alone.
T says I should be happy about the good things I have. He says I want everything, right away and that's not realistic. He is probably right (he always is), but I just can't help how I feel. I know this sounds whiny, but that's where I am right now.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
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