Many nights I stay up late after everyone else has fallen asleep. After I put the kids to bed and I am sure they are all fast asleep. After K and I have said our good nights, I stay up. Sometimes I watch TV, or surf the net, or maybe even download a little porn. One thing I like about staying up later is how quiet the house is. There is so much action here all the time, it can be draining. The quiet rejuvenates me.
As much as I enjoy the quiet, I always knew my family was here. They were right there in the house. If they needed me, I could be there in an instant. If I needed them, they would be there for me too.
Tonight, after a busy day of moving, I am up late and the house is quiet. Tonight, however, it is different. Tonight it's quiet because I am all alone. There are no kids sleeping in their beds down the hall. K is not in her room across the hall, snoring gently. I am alone in the house.
Actually, as I think about it, this is the first time in my life I have lived alone. There was one semester in college when I had a single room, but in a dorm, are you ever really alone. Now I am alone. There is no one I can say, "are you ready to go home?" to. No one thinks of my house as home anymore, except me.
As depressing as this sounds, I know absolutely what I am doing is the right thing. I know it is best for K to be with a straight man. I know it is best for me to live my life as I am, not as I have pretended to be. I know, in time, I will get used to being alone. I also am working hard to make opportunities to meet people so that will help ... eventually.
For now, moving my kids out of my house was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and tonight, I feel pretty shitty about it.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet. I believe, in good faith, that they are either public domain, or my non-commercial use falls under fair use guidelines. If, however, you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it, please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible