Saturday, September 3, 2011

For the First Time

Many nights I stay up late after everyone else has fallen asleep.  After I put the kids to bed and I am sure they are all fast asleep.  After K and I have said our good nights, I stay up.  Sometimes I watch TV, or surf the net, or maybe even download a little porn.  One thing I like about staying up later is how quiet the house is.  There is so much action here all the time, it can be draining.  The quiet rejuvenates me.

As much as I enjoy the quiet, I always knew my family was here.  They were right there in the house.  If they needed me, I could be there in an instant.  If I needed them, they would be there for me too.

Tonight, after a busy day of moving, I am up late and the house is quiet.  Tonight, however, it is different.  Tonight it's quiet because I am all alone.  There are no kids sleeping in their beds down the hall.  K is not in her room across the hall, snoring gently.  I am alone in the house.

Actually, as I think about it, this is the first time in my life I have lived alone.  There was one semester in college when I had a single room, but in a dorm, are you ever really alone.  Now I am alone.  There is no one I can say, "are you ready to go home?" to.  No one thinks of my house as home anymore, except me.

As depressing as this sounds, I know absolutely what I am doing is the right thing.  I know it is best for K to be with a straight man.  I know it is best for me to live my life as I am, not as I have pretended to be.  I know, in time, I will get used to being alone.  I also am working hard to make opportunities to meet people so that will help ... eventually.

For now, moving my kids out of my house was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and tonight, I feel pretty shitty about it.


Buddy Bear said...

I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Everyone may has this kind of alone feeling sometimes. Best wishes for you!

jlo said...

Just remember that even though they are not in the same house as you, they still need you. Also remember that we are thinking of you, and I hope things get easier. LOVE AND HUGS

Anonymous said...

At least you have the comfort of knowing you’re doing the right thing. You will get used to living alone and even like it. But also, your kids will be there. They’ll come and sleep over. They’ll want to be with you. And you and K will be forever connected through them. I hope it becomes easier soon. Prayers. ciel

Anonymous said...

I want to add my support. I have not even told my wife yet and all this is in front of me, but I am sure you've made the right decision and that things will improve from here even if slowly.

akosiryan said...

I know how hard to be alone, just be strong dude. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are going through your pain, and glad you are seeking what you are. Please give Wild at Heart Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul a read during your alone time. We are not about our sexuality, we are about being men, in both of what we seek, and where we are alone.