I am thinking about going back and deleting big chunks of my blog. I think have been delusional. I think I was bought into my own fantasy.
I am seriously thinking it would have been better to remain in the closet. Especially considering I had a really good marriage. Things were not perfect, but it was not really that bad. I had my family with me.
Now that I am busting out into homo-land, I am finding that I am fully unprepared for the pain that is in involved is separating form my kids. Just as I was starting to think that things might be getting better, I had a really bad day.
The kids were supposed to have a sleep over tonight. Both little kids had baseball / softball and my middle son had a school dance. K was having a date night with AJ, so I had to go the ball field and shuttle back and forth to the dance (which I didn't mind doing). By the time I got done with all of that it was getting late. The little kids were watching a movie. The older kids when up to their room.
No one seemed very interested in going to my house a 10:00 to sleep on the floor.
K got back from her date night and I had had all I could handle. I quickly said good night and left her house before the tears started flowing. It was hard to drive home. It had been a long time since I had been sobbing like this.
I remember that a long time K told me there is a price for everything. There is a price to staying in the closet and playing the straight life. There is a price to coming out and upending your family. Today I have learned the full cost of coming out.
It seems over the past year I have been lulled into a false sense of security. I was bamboozled into thinking that I could let my family move into another man's house and I would be OK with it. I was so taken in by my own press, that even encouraged other men to come out to their wives.
I was wrong.
This sucks. I may not have been compleatly happy in the closet, but the pain was not like this.