Friday, September 9, 2011

Forget I Said It

I am thinking about going back and deleting big chunks of my blog.  I think have been delusional.  I think I was bought into my own fantasy.

It was all bullshit.

I am seriously thinking it would have been better to remain in the closet.  Especially considering I had a really good marriage.  Things were not perfect, but it was not really that bad.  I had my family with me.

Now that I am busting out into homo-land, I am finding that I am fully unprepared for the pain that is in involved is separating form my kids.  Just as I was starting to think that things might be getting better, I had a really bad day.

The kids were supposed to have a sleep over tonight.  Both little kids had baseball / softball and my middle son had a school dance.   K was having a date night with AJ, so I had to go the ball field and shuttle back and forth to the dance (which I didn't mind doing).  By the time I got done with all of that it was getting late.  The little kids were watching a movie.  The older kids when up to their room. 

No one seemed very interested in going to my house a 10:00 to sleep on the floor.

K got back from her date night and I had had all I could handle.  I quickly said good night and left her house before the tears started flowing.  It was hard to drive home.  It had been a long time since I had been sobbing like this.

I remember that a long time K told me there is a price for everything.  There is a price to staying in the closet and playing the straight life.  There is a price to coming out and upending your family.  Today I have learned the full cost of coming out.

It seems over the past year I have been lulled into a false sense of security.  I was bamboozled into thinking that I could let my family move into another man's house and I would be OK with it.  I was so taken in by my own press, that even encouraged other men to come out to their wives.

I was wrong.

This sucks.  I may not have been compleatly happy in the closet, but the pain was not like this.


TwoLives said...

I'm sorry about your pain. Really, I am.

Yesterday was a good day. Today was a bad day. There will be more of each.

The thing to remember is that these are your kids and that will never change. Plus you have big advantages - they're close by, you know that they love you. And forget about AJ. He will NEVER replace you. Want to bet how many times he'll be told, "You're not my dad!" MANY.

You know you can't take it all back. And if you stayed it wouldn't have been fair to K ("I feel like a piece of furniture") and it wouldn't have been fair to you {"T is the man I love.")

This is an adjustment period. A new "normal" will eventually develop. You have to be as patient and as strong as possible when these bad days happen.

What are the kids doing tomorrow night? Maybe they can sleep over then or on Sunday? I'm sure they miss you.

Anonymous said...

The human mind is a complex thing. Bonds like those between a father and his children are one the brains most powerful. Your emotions are telling you to protect that bond, but you also know that to be happy ultimately need to be who you are.

Because of that the bonds with the kids need to be stretched a bit, but they will never break. Your brain simply won't allow that to happen. It will force you to find a way to make this all work, and you will.

Stay strong. You have done the right thing. Time heals all. Everything will work out.

Anonymous said...

It is a bad day but they get better. Focuse on the kids and you will feel beter.


T said...

Next time, take them home earlier and watch TV there. It's not true that they're not interested to be with you. It's because you're there with them most of the time already. You have to have better planning. If you want them to sleep over, plan better. In my opinion, if your kids are suddenly now mindful to your sensitivity, then they are emotionally disturbed by all this to some degree. That fact that they act normally as they have been means that they are comfortable and assured that you are and will always be there for them. So, that's a wonderful thing. You are already spending more quality time with them than before. Your bond would be even more strengthened. You cannot changed what's done. Make better what you have now. Plan. Plan another sleep over. Discuss with them what they would like to do that night, for example, making morse, watching a movie at YOUR house, and take them to your house before they get tired. You are one of the best Dad I've known. It's extremely difficult for you now. I know you don't think I understand, but I do. Think positively. You are not forgotten. A lot of people love you, and you know it. Now, stop crying and go plan another activity with your kids!

Anonymous said...

You tell him, T!

Jim: You have the luckiest kids in the world. Could a dad love his children any more than you love yours? I do not think so.

And when they are grown, they will have a father who accepts them as they are, who loves them unconditionally.

They need the real you now. How lucky they are to have you. And they will need the real you in the future.

Hell, we all needed and still need a dad like you, Jim.

So hang on in these tough times. And remember: It's not just going to get better. It is going to get GREAT!

~ Plan, plan, plan!!! ~

Dan in PA

jlo said...

I know that none of us in blogworld know you as well as T does. But I agree with everything he said. You are a good dad, and the fact that your kids are acting normally means that you have been raising them right. I think that T was right plan another sleep over, I know how it is with kids having a million things to do and time gets away from you. I know this is something that you have heard before but IT WILL GET BETTER. LOVE AND HUGS

RB said...

You need to work on making your house into a home for the kids. Why didn't you make dinner and let them watch TV at your house? Of course they are not going to want to leave a comfortable bed at past 10pm to go sleep on a hard floor somewhere.

If you had settled them in at your house at 7pm, they probably would have stayed the night. I would work on making your house as comfortable for them as possible.

K and AJ let you watch the kids at their house?? That's amazing. That wouldn't happen in many divorce situations. I've never been in my ex-wife's house, and I would never allow her in mine.

It could be a whole lot worse dude.

Paul said...

Yeah, it could be a lot worse. I have only met or spoken with my wife once in the almost two years since we separated. Same with my son. And I'm dreading our daughter's wedding next month. It should be a happy event and she is doing her best to stay close with both parents but it is rough on her.

Just be glad you are not putting your kids in that kind of situation.

Anonymous said...

Please don't go back and delete things. It's not just to communicate with people on the internet, the record will serve you as well. It will be good for you to look back and realize you got past this. Regrets are normal when you make a huge change and it's easy to second guess ourselves.

I would like to point out that you're not doing this divorce by yourself. Maybe the marriage wasn't that bad, but you've pointed out yourself that K deserves to have a guy who enthusiastic about having sex with a woman. Even if you could go back, she probably wouldn't. And you were tormented by not being able to be who you really are. You have taught your kids a huge and priceless lesson by showing them the courage to be yourself. In the future it will do them good.

You sound like a wonderful father. It's true what you said that your unhappiness is not their problem and I honour you for that. But what a good job you did raising an empathetic kid who called to see if you were okay.

TwoLives is SO RIGHT about AJ hearing you're not my dad. It's scary to have your kids live with another man, who is a nice guy, and worry that he will steal their love. It won't happen. My father was mentally ill, a drunk and left when I was 6. I never saw him again. My mother remarried a very nice man but damn, if he even hinted that we do something other than what we were doing: You're not my dad!

Your kids may come to love AJ, but it just means they will feel more love. They won't steal from your jar of love to put it in his. And even if they learn to respect and like him, he will never be their father.

Aim at the new normal. It'll be rocky for a while. It'll get better. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

I feel your it daily. Wish I could say it will get better, I think it will, but there are times...