Monday, September 5, 2011

Kids In My House Makes Me Happy

As I write this, I am sitting in K's kitchen with her and AJ.  She is working homework from her nursing school.  AJ is reviewing a presentation for his job.  I am writing this with my Blackberry Playbook tablet.  I just finished putting my kids to bed and K has a meatloaf in the oven.  I'm hanging out to eat and then I will go home.

Today I cleaned out the master bedroom at my house, where K used to sleep, and I moved my bed in there.  While I was working most of my kids were at my house.  My younger 2 were downstairs watching TV and the older one was cleaning out his old room.  None of them were actually in the room with me or helping me, but I was so happy they were in the house.  I even sent T a text telling him how it made me happy.

(editors note:  I stopped writing at K's house and when home to finish.)

I know there are some, maybe many, gay men who simply walk away from their families.  They abandon their wives.  They walk away from their kids.  How the hell do they do that?  I have been in my house for 2 nights (tonight will be 3 nights) without my kids and it's driving me crazy.  In fact, I am starting to think being a single dad would be preferable.

All that said, I think I feel better today.  Having the kids at my house today helped a lot.  As I was putting the younger two kids to bed, I ask both of them if they had a good day.  Both hugged and told be that had.  I was afraid they might say being at my house was boring, but they didn't.  All that made me feel a lot better.  

In my core, I really am a family man.  Lately I have been thinking about the cruelness of God for having made me gay.  It has been a long time since I have wished for the "straight pill" that would turn me into a regular guy.  A regular husband and a regular father.  Oh well, life's a bitch, ain't it? 

While my house is even quieter tonight (the dog went to K's house night) I do not feel quite as bad tonight as I have, though I still have a long way to go.


Nick, Fort Wayne said...

I remember my first night out of the house, away from the Wife & Kid (+ dog) & I though it was going to be such a relief - an much needed next step in the process, I'd planned a big night with my BF....Stupid me....I got to the bar waiting for my BF to finish working & I just imploded - the emotions where so overwelming & had to leave crying telling him why I was such a mess to go & curl up and let the pain out....but it got better each & every I saw my kids each day still - it eased and after a few weeks it quickly became normal.....such is life....Good Luck....your on the right path & your SO correct, about guys that stay to support their families - I can't imagine anything any other way...

Nick, Fort Wayne, IN

Anonymous said...

I am so relieved to hear that things got even slightly better. It’s still not the same and won’t be, but all of you will find a way to make it work. Who knows, maybe there will come days where K and AJ unload ALL the kids onto you so they can have some time. All of you are struggling to restructure and it’s only natural she’d want to make a new family, but having had a step parent, making new families has its own problems. There’s just an awful lot going on with all of you right now. I hope things will get better overall, although most likely you’ll have to take some steps back at times. I don’t know how people step away from their kids either, but no one who reads your blog could ever think you would do that. I’m sure your kids know you are always there for them and love them just as much. ciel

RB said...

This post brings back so many bad memories for me. I am very glad to hear this is going fairly well for you. When I got divorced I wasn't allowed to see my kids for one extra second -- unless she needed a babysitter. Once she prevented me from seeing them for a month -- until I went to court at a cost of $4000. I too stayed in the house and she left. I was so depressed...for probably 2 years. I just came home from work and crawled into bed.

I always made sure that I saw my kids...even though the exchange happened at the police station.

It took three years for everything to change.

I'm glad for you that this is going to be an amicable split.

jim said...

Thanks for your comment Rob. While this is difficult for me right now, it is important for me to remember that it could be a whole hell of a lot worse.