As I write this, I am sitting in K's kitchen with her and AJ. She is working homework from her nursing school. AJ is reviewing a presentation for his job. I am writing this with my Blackberry Playbook tablet. I just finished putting my kids to bed and K has a meatloaf in the oven. I'm hanging out to eat and then I will go home.
Today I cleaned out the master bedroom at my house, where K used to sleep, and I moved my bed in there. While I was working most of my kids were at my house. My younger 2 were downstairs watching TV and the older one was cleaning out his old room. None of them were actually in the room with me or helping me, but I was so happy they were in the house. I even sent T a text telling him how it made me happy.
(editors note: I stopped writing at K's house and when home to finish.)
I know there are some, maybe many, gay men who simply walk away from their families. They abandon their wives. They walk away from their kids. How the hell do they do that? I have been in my house for 2 nights (tonight will be 3 nights) without my kids and it's driving me crazy. In fact, I am starting to think being a single dad would be preferable.
All that said, I think I feel better today. Having the kids at my house today helped a lot. As I was putting the younger two kids to bed, I ask both of them if they had a good day. Both hugged and told be that had. I was afraid they might say being at my house was boring, but they didn't. All that made me feel a lot better.
In my core, I really am a family man. Lately I have been thinking about the cruelness of God for having made me gay. It has been a long time since I have wished for the "straight pill" that would turn me into a regular guy. A regular husband and a regular father. Oh well, life's a bitch, ain't it?
While my house is even quieter tonight (the dog went to K's house night) I do not feel quite as bad tonight as I have, though I still have a long way to go.
2 hours ago