Saturday, January 28, 2012

No Asians!

I got my copy of "OUT" magazine today and on page 37 was a story about people who put "No Asians" in their Grindr profiles.

I thought it was interesting in light of my post from earlier in the week.

Here is a link

Waiting on my Love

K is leaving on her cruise early tomorrow morning and I will be spending most all of next week at her house with the kids.  Since it will be hard for me to get away next week, I made arrangements to see T tonight.  He is coming to my house.  He is coming a little later than I would have liked, but there is something different about today.

He's going to spend the night!!

I am so excited I can't even think straight. (or gay, LOL!!)

Friday, January 27, 2012

More Bits of Transition

I write less and less about the transition from married life to semi-single life, but today, I was reminded about one more thing. 

Ever since it first aired 10 years ago, K and I have been faithful watchers of the Amazing Race.  It was one of the very few reality shows we watched together.  I like it because it is (usually) regular people doing extraordinarily things, but not ridiculous things.  It is more like a real competition where the teams work together and there is very little scheming or other slimy dealing for advantage.  The few times when there is, invariably "Race karma" spanks the slimy team.

Anyway, K and I have always watched it together.  When our schedules did not match up, I would DVR it, sometimes several weeks worth and then we would find the time to sit down and watch.

This past season, the one that started in September, it was different.  The biggest change was that her and I no longer live in the same house.  But we each DVRed the race.  We watched the first 2 episodes together, but that was it.  The season ended and neither of us have watched it.  We have not been able to find the time together, and now it's like 8 or 9 hours of show to watch.  

But I waited.  I thought it was something I should continue to do with my best friend.  Maintain a long standing tradition. 

This week CBS announced the racers for the next season starting in mid-February.  So, today I fired up the DVR and I started watching the episodes I have saved.  I watch alone.  It was a little sad, as it is another part of my old life that is going away.

Another reminder things are changing.  

I wonder if T will watch the next season with me?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

College Boy Looking to Play - 22 - City Near You

Does anyone want to play with me? I can host or travel.   U be clean, in shape and DDF. Age and race are not that important.  Send stats and pic in first e-mail for a response. 

A week or so ago, my blogger friend in the MidWest had written a few blog entries (that I think he has since removed) about a perceived bias against gay Asian men.  He said there are people out there who have "no Asians" in their profiles.  T told me he has seen the same thing.  I have not seen it and as a gay man attracted to Asian men I can't imagine why anyone would want to rule out a whole group of people.

So between studying sessions, I set up an experiment.  On two separate days, at about 1:00 in the afternoon, I posted identical ads on Craigslist.  The only difference was the picture, which I found on  I found 2 naked guys (see above) who had about the same age, build, skin tone and ... er... endowment. (not blocked out in the actual post) I also intentionally picked photos that were on the grainy side.   I posted each listing for one hour only and then I took it down.  I did not respond to any of the e-mail I recieved.

(Morality note:  I did have a brief internal conflict about using nude pictures of people I don't know and including their faces.  I could not block out the face or no one would know the Asian guy was Asian.  In the end, I decided these guys posted their own nude pictures on the Internet where anyone could get to them so they were aware the images might get misappropriated.)

So, what did I learn?

The Asian "guy" got 10 responses.  Half were from older men (35 or older) with the oldest being 52.  The youngest was 19.  Three of the responders were black, one Hispanic and the rest white.  The 3 black guys were all younger.  Of the 10, only 3 sent photos as requested and only one of them was a face pic.  No one wrote very much in their replies, but the ones from younger guys seemed to suggest they wanted to play together as equals, while the replies from older guys suggested they wanted to dominate the Asian kid.  Most assumed the Asian was a bottom or submissive.

The white "guy", got 23 replies.  14 of the 23 send pictures and the ones who did, on average send 2 or 3 pictures.  Of the 14, 10 sent face pictures.  The age spread was 19 to 43 for the white kids.  All but 4 were under 30.  One of the older replies suggested  he would take a dominate role, the others were more contrite. "Would you let an 36 year old suck you off?" one guy asked.  Almost begging.  The younger replies for the white kid were more like the the ones for the Asian kid.  They had "Let's play together" feel.  The white kid got 3 replies from blacks, 2 from Hispanics and the rest were white.  No Asians responded to either ad.

Another thing I noticed, but am not sure if it is significant, no one replied to both ads.  The ads were probably up for too short a time to glean much info from that particular statistic.

I don't know if you can extrapolate that there is a racial bias against Asian men in the gay community or not, but there seems to be a correlation with perceptions both T and my Midwest blogger friend have felt.  If it is truly there, this would suggest it is limited to the older gays.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Second Asian Boyfriend and Gay Symbols

It was 2001 when I met Peter Le for the first time.  By "met" I mean I bought a Playgirl magazine and he was in it.  He was not the centerfold, in fact there were only a few pictures of him.  He was in there as part of "Men on Campus" series the magazine does every year.  (At least they used to.)  

Anyway, aside from being a hot Asian man, he has a very unique tattoo.  I like tattoos and this one really caught my attention.  I thought it was a cool design, in fact, it even looked like one I might like to have one day. 

So fast-forward several years later.  I am a married "bisexual" man and I sometimes (or is it often?) look through the internet for hot men.  One day I stumble up this.

It's got to be the same guy.  Older, more buff, and the bleach blond was gone, but the same guy.  I remember that tattoo.  I pulled up my digital copies of Playgirl and there he is.  My friend Peter, all grown up.

Eventually I discovered he has a website.  An adult website.  With an lot more pictures of him.  They are actually tastefully done and they look nice.  The site is mostly just him by himself.  As far as I know, there is no actual sex on the site.  Just solo performances.  Is that still porn?

But this is not a story about an Asian bodybuilder with a nude site.  It's about me.

You see, in addition to his paid site, he has a personal training fitness site, a blog and an online store.  In his store he sells mostly clothing items.  Many of them items he wore in various photo shoots.  These seem to sell for a lot  Well he is asking a lot, who knows if they actually sell.   He also has other things.  Hats, t-shirts, jackets, etc.  Most are pretty pricey and all of them have his branding of some kind.

Some of the shirts, are printed with a sketch of his topless, muscled body.  While it looks good in photos, I can't imagine wearing a t-shirt with a huge picture like that.  I mean that is SOOOO gay.

But there are a few things that are more subtle.  Like this:

The hat looks nice.  Recognize the logo?  Yeah, it's his tattoo.  I think that's pretty cool.

I bought one.

It came in the mail this past Saturday and I wore it most of the day yesterday.  Even out to lunch with K, AJ, and the kids.  I don't usually wear baseball hats, but it made me feel good to wear this one.

Why did wearing this hat with the imprint of a porn star's tattoo?  I was thinking it was my first time out in public wearing an identifiable gay symbol.  It's not like a rainbow, but most of this subscribers are gay men and if any of them saw me with it on, they would know I am gay.  It was a little exciting.  I felt like I was coming out more as a gay man in public.  

It's a little like people who put the HRC logo sticker on their car.

 I think the general public does not know what the symbol stands for.  But I also think most gay people do.  By putting it on your car you are saying in a subtle way, you are gay and you want other gay people to know it.

That was me in my hat today.  I looked at people who looked at me today.  Had anyone noticed?  I was looking for signs of recognition on people's faces.  I didn't see any.

I also know that this tattoo is not as well know as the HRC logo.  I have no idea how many people subscribe to his website.  Probably not too many.  In that regard, it also made it more safe.  If anyone asked, I could just say I liked the design and I bought it from some website.  I was putting my gayness on display, but in a safe way.  Even a deniable way.

For now, there is a novelty to it, and I think I will wear it for a while.   Tonight is gay bowling.  I wonder if anyone there will recognize it.  There must be some other rice queens there, right?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'ts F---ed Up, But It Seems To Works For Us.

Friday night and all day Saturday I spent with the kids at K's house.  She, AJ and his daughter were all at a tournament 3 hours away.  We had a good weekend, though I did not get a lot of school work done.

Today, K had to go into work early and I needed to sleep.  The kids were at her house with AJ and I was home.  We (Me, AJ, my kids and his daughter) met K at work where we then went out to lunch to celebrate my oldest son's birthday.  He just turned 16.

After lunch K returned to work and I went with AJ and the kids back to his house.  The kids were all doing their thing and I asked AJ to if he would keep an eye on them while I did a few errands.

I went back to my house, packed a bag and then headed to the gym.  I needed a little me time.  After an OK workout, I headed for the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk.  As I was leaving my phone rang.  I see it's AJ calling.

Me: Hello?
AJ:  Hey.  This is AJ.
Me:  Right.  What's up?
AJ:  I was wondering what you wanted to do for dinner.  You know... for the kids.
Me:  Well, I was planning on leftovers.  There is some pizza left from the other night and the stuff we brought home from the restaurant this afternoon.  I picked up milk, did you want me to grab something else?
AJ:  No, that should be OK.  Why don't you just come on back.
Me:  OK.  I'm on  my way.

As I hung up, I reflected on just how odd that conversation was.  Even now, several hours later, I think it was fucked up.  I wrote out the whole conversation, just as it happened.  Based on that, would you think I was talking to my ex-wife's new husband?  

Whenever AJ, thinks about the situation we have with me, K, him, and the kids he says the same thing.  "It's fucked up, but it seems to work for us."

So far so good.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sleep? Where Are You?

It's almost 3:00am and I am not sleeping.  I am not sure why exactly, but I have been under a lot of stress.

When K feels stress, everyone knows about it.  She is irritable and generally not fun to be around.  When I get stressed I generally do one of 3 things.  I panic and make rash decisions that I will regret later.  I overuse my sense of humor in a self deprecating way. Or, I ignore it and hide it from those around me.  Many times I use a combination of these things, depending on who I am with.

Ever since I lost my job back in September, I have be stressed out about it.  I have written about it here before. I try no to burden others with that stress, especially my kids. It's not their problem and I don't want to make it their problem.  I just want them to be kids.  I don't bother K with it much, because she has her own problems.  She is also one of those people who thinks her problems are much bigger and more important than everyone else's.

I'm afraid T get's the brunt of my whining.  He listens politely and sometimes offers advice.  The truth is, there is not much he can do for me except listen anyway.   

I had a really good interview lined up with a good company.  It was for this afternoon.  Yesterday they called to cancel it.  Not postpone.  Cancel.  They hired someone internally.  They told me I was the "top  external candidate", like that was supposed to make me feel better.  At the end of the day, I am still unemployed and someone else isn't.  Good for them, shit for me.  They said there might be something else being posted in the next couple of weeks and I should definitely apply for it.  Whatever.

Then I found that the unemployment program I thought was going to carry me for the next 2 years while I am in school, is not.  For reason's I am not going to go into, I am probably not eligible.   I'm going to apply anyway, but I think my odds are slim.

So, is it any wonder I am stressed out?  On top of that, K and AJ are leaving in 2 weeks for their honeymoon cruise.  Guess who gets to watch the kids?  Mine and AJ's.  Yup, me.

I wish I was going on my honeymoon cruise.

Maybe I can go to sleep and dream about that.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Who Knew??

As is happens, you can put too much cheese in an omelet.  The kids asked for breakfast for diner tonight.  They mostly ate waffles.  I made an omelet for myself.  I sprinkled in some chopped up maple pork sausage and several slices of American cheese.   I normally would use a blend of sharp cheddar and monterey jack cheese, but I am at K's house this weekend and I used what she had.  I put in too many slices and it pretty much ruined the omelet.  It's too bad too, since it was cooked perfectly.

Why am I at K's?  Well, her winter volleyball season started last weekend.  From now until April, she will be gone to a tournament every Saturday.  A couple of them will be over night.  The one this weekend is in Myrtle Beach.  She left yesterday and will not return until Monday.  K coaches 2 teams and one of them had AJ's daughter on the team so AJ and his daughter are with K.  I am staying at her house with my kids.

I would have had them stay at my house except for 2 things.  I don't think I want to subject my new roommates to the chaos that is my kids.  (They are a young couple and may be scared off from ever having kids.)  Also there are 2 dogs at K's house that have to be looked after so it's just easier for me to come here.  

Because of K's trip, I cannot go see T tonight like I often do on Saturday nights.  I talked to him about 30 min ago, and he is so tired from his day at work, he cannot come see me tonight either.  I miss him a lot.

I have a pile to school work on today.  I have been reading about viruses most of the day.  Not so easy to do when you are the only adult in a house with 4 kids.  I am getting tired now.  I did not sleep well last night (I was sleeping in K's bed) and it's starting to take a toll for the day.

So here I am all by myself.  The kids are doing their own thing right now.  I found some Malibu K had brought back from her cruise last year.  She also has some orange/pineapple juice.  That sounded pretty yummy so I mixed one up.  And another...

I really like it.  It is sweet, fruity, a little alcohol taste, but not too much.  As I scanned Google looking for the pictures to add into this post, I searched for "malibu rum man"  I was hoping to find a picture of a buff, shirtless guy with a bottle or maybe a shirtless bartender.  I found a few nice pictures of shirtless bartenders, but I decided that since I was drinking alone, the bar part scene was not the right image.  

I did, however, find several images to suggest the Malibu is a .... well... less than macho adult beverage.  I say, screw it.  I like it and I'm going to drink it.  I don't care if it is a gay drink.

I just wish there was a special someone here to share it with me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Asian Boyfriend?

I started school yesterday.  All my classes came online and I quickly realized that after 20 years of not being in school, my science heavy schedule was too much.  I dropped one class this afternoon.  Don't worry, I still have 3 heavy duty science classes left.  

Tuesday night I usually drive to T's house.  I often meet him at the office and I drive him home.  I usually eat dinner with his family and then we hang out in his room.  He does his homework and I hang out with him.  Tonight I am home with another Asian.  I don't know this guys name, but my Chemistry book get's me access to a website with video lectures and he is the star of the show.

So tonight, I will not be with my beloved, but hanging out with another Asian for the evening.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Deathbed Regrets

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to an article written by a nurse who works with people in their final weeks of life.  She said there are 5 common regrets that people have.  The article is here.

1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life that others expected of me.
2.  I wish I didn't work so hard.
3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5.  I wish I'd let myself me happier.

As I read through this list I realized as a gay man coming out of the closet late in life, there is a special significance for me here.  With the exception of number 2, I have all of theses.  I fear that T and his sister D, will have all of them including #2.

Disclaimer:  Before I go too much into this I want to be clear.  The goal of this post is not to complain, whine or anything else.  While I am not entirely happy with where my life is, I am happy with the direction it is moving.  I know it will get where I want it to go.

When I look forward on my life, I am not afraid of getting old and dying.  But I am very afraid of having a long list of regrets on my deathbed.  I know I have been given this one life by God for me to live as best I can.  

For a long time when I was married to K, I thought about who I am and where I was in life.  My straight life was not so bad.  I was living the normal life that everyone expected me to have.  In fact, it was the normal life that I expected.  Except, it was a lie.  It was not the true me.  It was a fabrication I created based on what I saw other straight people do.

I think one of the things that pushed me out of the closet was the fear of regrets.  That I would live my whole life and die without anyone knowing who I really am.  K knew that I was attracted to guys, but I never told anyone else.  I never told my mother, or anyone else in my family.  I even knew that my sister is gay friendly, but I never told her either.  

After I met T, but while K and I were still trying to "work it out" I wondered if I was going to live my whole life without the love of a man?  While I enjoyed K's companionship, was that enough?  And while I did not think about it at the time, would being roommate with a gay man be enough for K?  (It turned out it was not.)  

I think even at that time, I knew the answer.

I knew that I had to be who I am.  I knew I was not going to be able to live in the closet anymore.  I wanted to come out so fucking badly.  I wanted people to know who I am!!!

But for a long time I could not.  I could not even tell myself who I was.  Even after I met T and fell in love with him, I could not admit my myself I was gay.  

Part of the reason that I lost contact with my friends and could not make new ones, was I could not tell them who I really am.  I could not tell them I am gay.  I remember when K was telling about this cool new thing called Facebook.  She wanted me to join.  I though it sounded cool, but why would I want to join this networking thing if I could not be who I really am?  If I could not tell the truth?  What was the point of connecting with people to lie to them?

I let a lot of my old friend slip away.  I did not create new friends.  

Now things are different.  Now there is a dawn breaking in my life.  There is light where there was darkness.

I think the reason  this article was so moving to me is not only for me, but for others.  There are countless gay people who are not living the life that God had intended for them.  They are hiding.  They are in their own darkness.  They are held there by fear.  If they do not find the courage to be true to themselves, they will live their lives and eventually be at their deathbed regretting.

I am grateful K is supportive of me and T has been my rock while I moved from the darkness into the light.  For all the pain and suffering I endured (much of it in my head) it was worth it.

I am who I am supposed to be.  I will live my life openly and honestly as the man I am.  A gay man. A father.  An ex-husband and best friend.  One day, a husband to the man I am in love with.  

Saturday, January 7, 2012


I am getting used to the idea that strangers are living in my house.  I have not been really able to get to know them.  They spend a lot of time up in their room  and I am not home a lot.

I did make it a point to go up and tell them they should feel free to use the whole house.  I wanted them to feel comfortable.  They thanked me politely and stayed in their room.

I make it a point not to hang out in my room.  I set my laptop on the kitchen table and I do most of my work there.  I like to use my bedroom only for sleep and sex (sadly mostly sleeping).  Since I had that trouble sleeping last year, I have been careful about working or even watching too much TV in my room.

Anyway, they are both nice.  They are very good about cleaning up after they use the kitchen and cleaning up after their dog.  They paid the rent in cash.  If I have to have roommates, I would not mind if these people stayed around a while.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I am very stressed out these days.  I worry about money.  I have not been a student in a long time so going back to school stresses me out, especially since it is critical I get really good grades.  I worry about how I will support myself if I cannot get a job.  I worry about my health or a car accident since I am currently have no health insurance.  I am stressed about having to rely on roommates to pay my mortgage.  Being lonely stresses me out, when I cannot see T as much as I would like.  

I just have a lot of stress and there are times when I just cannot take it anymore.

Because the classes I am taking are all online, and I have never taken an online class before, I attended an in-person orientation session at school.  The school is close to T's office so I planed to meet him there when I was done and so we could spend the evening together.  

After the (very boring) session, I got over to T's office, about 15 minutes.  I could see he still had patients to see, so I stayed in my car, listening to NPR and surfing the web on my BlackBerry.  I was out there for more than an hour, but I really didn't mind.  He is worth waiting for and the quiet time helped lower my blood pressure.

When we was finally done, we went to his house where I had dinner with his family.  Then we went up to his room.  He brings home work so I sat with him while he did the stuff that was critical for tomorrow.  While he was working (sitting cross legged on his bed) I put my head on his lap and closed my eyes.  We talked some.  He did some work.  We talked some more.  I was in my happy place, right there in his lap.

After a while he put his work aside and he laid back on the bed.  I laid my head on his chest.  He played with the diamond stud in my left ear (he has never done that before and it was an unusual feeling, that I liked a lot) while watching TV.   With my head on this chest, I could hear his heart beat.  It was loud, but soothing.  I know that I drifted to sleep for a short time.  

I could not help it.  In that moment, I was so at ease.  I was so calm.  All of my stress had melted away into the sound of his heart.  It was just like magic.  

Split The Differance

At the beginning of the week I asked for feedback on the options of taking a job or going back to school.  I appreciate all the feedback I got.  I was helpful as I thought it out.

On Tuesday I had my phone interview with the recruiter.  He told me at the beginning it would be a 15 to 20 min conversation to get some basic information.  We ended up talking for 30 min.  I think that's a good sign.  He also told me he thought they could get me very close to the salary I was making at my old job because of my considerable experience, even though it was a lesser position.  He also told me they would be in touch towards the end of next week if they wanted to schedule an in-person interview.

That was Tuesday.

He called on Thursday morning (at 8:20am) and asked me to come in on Tuesday next week.  That was fast, I thought.  Must also be a good sign.

I have a good feeling about this job, and if it pays well, I don't think I can turn it down to go to school full time.  On the other hand, if they make me an offer, I don't think I have to abandon the school idea either.   I think if they make me an offer I will drop 2 of the 4 classes I'm signed up for now, and take the other 2.  They are all online so it should be no problem.

I'm trying hard not to get to worked up about this.  I have had good feelings before.  I have not even had the interview yet and I may not get an offer.  I do, however, interview pretty well so I am hopeful things will work out.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Who's Sleeping In My House?

This afternoon my roommates showed up.  I have rented a room in my house to this young couple that is moving to my town from England.  (They are originally from California, but were living in England)  They needed a place to stay while they look for something else and they wait for their stuff to cross the pond.

They arrived today.  I talked to them briefly this afternoon, before I had to leave.  When I got back they were up in their room and I have not heard much from them.  I know they split a pizza, because my house smelled like pizza when I go home.

This is the first time I have ever had to live with anyone who is not my family, since I was in college.  Of course, unlike when I was in school I am not sharing a bedroom, but they are still in the house.

Now, in the brief time I talked to them, they seemed really nice and I sure it will be OK.  They are staying about 2 month, maybe 3.

Another change that I am getting used to.  


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Who's Sleeping In My Bed??

I knew T was on his way to my house yesterday morning.  He had a ways to go, so I hopped on the treadmill for my morning workout. (It was day 2).  After the workout, I headed upstairs to take a shower.  I sent T a text letting him know I would be in the shower and reminding him of the code that unlockes the front door.   I intentionally took a longer shower than usual in the hopes that he would join me.  He did not.  Maybe he got caught in traffic, I thought.  

I turned off the shower, toweled off, and stepped out for the bathroom into the bed room.  What I found was the stuff dreams are made of.  T in the place I want him most... in my bed.

I will not bore you with the details of what happened next (maybe I will start a new blog for that...) but I was happy beyond measure that his skin was touching mine.

We then went out to lunch.  We are both committed to eating better this year, (he thinks he has about 7 pounds to lose).  We did make a healthy choice at lunch and we had a nice conversation.  Being with him there is just wonderful.  I wanted to lean over and kiss him often.  I didn't, but I wanted to.

After, we went back to my house where we spent more time together, before he had to leave.

On my post the other day about togetherness, Biki posted a comment, "... Not everyone is as lucky as you are to be loved, and you're loved for who you are. Not what you do for a living, or drive, or your 6 pack. No, T loves you, warts and all. Revel in it my dear, revel in it. You have more than you know."

Yesterday, I was reveling.  I know I complain a lot about how T and I are not together enough, but it is days like yesterday that I remember how truly lucky I am.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Responsibility, What's You Policy?

When I was a kid, my Dad worked a lot.  He worked a regular full time job for 35 years.  Frequently, he had side jobs too.  He is retired now, but was an electrician by trade.  I remember he used to string the electrical wiring in new construction houses.  Occasionally he would take me along, even thought I doubt I was much help.

We had a neighbor who was building and selling some kind of machine in his basement.  My dad went and wired all the control units for them.  

Another thing I remember was he attended college while he was working.  He earned an Associates degree at night.  I remember him taking a long time to get through that, but he did.

He also worked most every Saturday at his regular job so he could get overtime.  Except for a short time when he was recovering from a pretty serious motorcycle accident, my dad was always at work.  He never had a period of unemployment, and certainly not one that is over 3 months long like I am in right now.

Unless something unforeseen happens, on January 16, I will have been unemployed for 4 months.  That is a long time.  

Now I have told you before T is pushing me to go back to school, earn my masters degree and become a Physician Assistant.  It is a good, stable, high paying job in health care is just the thing I need to ensure a secure future for me and my family for the rest of my life.

The only catch is, and I have written about this before, is that I am 43 and a father of 4 minor children.  I have a house and bills that need to get paid.  School will take at least 3.5 years and I am not completely sure how I will support myself, let alone the kids, for all that time.  

Now I have continued to send out resumes (I have to to keep receiving unemployment benefits).  I have had several interviews but no job offers.  At this point I am thinking I really don't have any choice.  No one is beating my door down to hire me.  Every day I go without a job will make it that much harder to get a job.  So the clear and logical course of action is to go to school.  Trust in T and the Almighty, study hard and get is done for a virtual guaranteed payoff at the end. 

So, in the the long run, it really is the responsible thing to do.  Go to school, secure my future.

I am ready to start.   I even told T this afternoon I am really looking forward to the start of classes.

Classes start on Monday and I am going to campus to buy my books on tomorrow morning.


I got a call from a large supermarket chain this afternoon.  They want to have a phone interview tomorrow for a job I applied for several weeks ago.  The job is a step below the job I had when I got laid off, but it's still a good job, paying pretty well, but less than what I was making before.  I am well qualified for this job, maybe even overqualified because of my 15 years of experience.

I feel like I have to interview for the job.  I feel like if I don't I will not be doing the responsible thing.  The problem is that if I am offered a job, I have to take it.  If I decline it, I will lose my unemployment benefits, without which, I cannot afford to go to school.  If I take the job, I would not be able to go to school at the same time.

I could make a good living at this job and because of the size of the company, I am sure I could regain the level I had before.  That sounds like a good thing... until I get laid off again.  T points out the question, what happens if I get laid off again?  I could be 50.  Too late to go back to school.  Maybe too old to get another job.  Then I'd really be up Shit Creek. 

Keeping in mind a job offer is by no means certain, what is the responsible thing to do?

Option A:  Take a job with a good company that will provide for my short term needs and may or may not be there for the long term.

Option B: Go to school.  It would be a significant financial hardship for me and my family for almost 4 years.  It would mean burning through my retirement saving and taking on a mountain of student loan debt.  When school is finished, however, I have a guaranteed  job.  A high demand, high paying, job.  Paying more than the job I was laid off from.  I would have enough money to repay the loans, replenish my retirement account and ensure a secure future.  Also as I got older, I could still make good money working part time or per diem.

T says I need to make a choice and stick to it.

What is the responsible choice?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Alone, But Not. Together, But Not

Tomorrow T is taking the day off for the New Year's Holiday.  He office has been closed since he left on Friday.  He is usually open on Saturday.  While his office was closed this weekend, he was not off.  He has a lot of back office type paperwork he needs to get done.  He made a lot of progress, but he is not finished.  Tomorrow, he is coming to see me.  He is leaving his work behind and he is coming to focus his attention on me and us.  

I am happy beyond words he is coming.  I am happy every time I see him, but I especially like it when he comes here.  Since I am living here alone, we get a lot of privacy and we can really get... close.  :-)

There is a lot of time that I am alone.  I spent a lot of the day with the kids today.  This afternoon, my two younger kids were here with me.  The older ones could not be torn away from their x-box.    So for most of the day I was not alone.  The kids were in bed early today, because school starts tomorrow for them.  I was back at my house before 9:00 tonight which is quite early for me.  It is now almost midnight and I have been home alone for 3 hours.  I don't like it.

At the same time, I have something that a lot of gay men would kill for.  I have a man who loves me unconditionally and I love him too.  So in that regard I am not alone.  But when I climb into my cold bed by myself each night, I am alone.

I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I'm not.  It's just that I have been reflecting on 2011 and my plans for 2012 and this is on my mind.  

On another note, I am finally going to get off my ass and get back into better shape.  Several years ago I lost 50 pounds and as of this morning I have put all that weight back on.  I am going to get serious about eating less, at lot less, and spending more time on my treadmill.  Today was my first day and I did really, avoiding may temptations.  I will keep you posted on my progress.

Hello 2012

K put this as her Facebook status as midnight approached.

"As 2011 draws to a close I am grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened this year...and am reminded that we only grow through change and that sometimes change is necessary to be where we are supposed to be. Goodbye 2011...hello 2012!"

All things considered 2011, not a great year for me.  It was certainly a year of change, but at this point I don't know if the changes will be good for me. 

*  I ended my marriage.
*  I lost my job and the search is not going well.
*  My kids moved out with K

On the other hand, there have been some good things.  

*  My kids seem to have adjusted to the changes pretty well.
*  I have strengthened my relationship with T and we are openly a couple.
*  I have committed to going back to school so I can have a better job for me and my family 
*  I finally joined a gay bowling league and have met some really nice people.

I think K is right when she says that change is necessary to be where we are supposed to be.  The truth is that there was no way I could have continued as I was.  Even though I hate change I have to change.

I do not like the interim step where I find myself today, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is, in fact, an interim step and there are brighter days ahead.