Friday, December 4, 2009

Alone in a Mess

I have been told it will worse before it gets better. Maybe that started yesterday. I am trying hard to explain to K about me. She is hung up on the fact that I am the one leaving. I am the one that no longer wants her. I am trying to get her to understand why I have to be who I am.

One of the things I am trying to get K to understand is that I have reached a place where I don't really know who I am. I have pretended for close to 30 years to be someone totally different from who I really am, I know longer know that person. Each day I look in the mirror the face looking back at me look less and less familiar. More like a stranger.

I have said before that I envy straight people. They do not have to pretend. The feel what they are supposed to feel. Everyone around them reinforces that feeling and they know they are (for lack of a letter term) feeling correctly. How nice must that be. For a lot of years that is exactly what I have done.

I need her to understand that this is not just be getting tired of her. It is me being honest for the first time in my life with her, with myself and with the world about who I really am. I think she will still be hurt and angry, but I also this that if she can reason it out and understand this in not about blow jobs and more about shedding the false identity I have created for myself, I think it might be easier.

I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I think that it's important that she understand, to the extent possible, how I have gotten us to the point in the road. I think if she can clearly understand it will be easier for us to decide together the right course of action. The right time to separate, while still being supportive of each other.

Wish me luck.


manxxman said...

You don't have to convience K that you're gay..........or that you have always been gay........she knows.

Stop trying to make everything "right"......there is going to be some hurt as you move forward. But that hurt will go away......stop trying to defend yourself.....and understand that K needs to be able to be angry for won't last.

jim said...

I think I need to make things as "right" as I can.

johnmichael said...

I do wish you luck. And I offer you support, even if it's only virtual support!

Michael-in-Norfolk said...

Based on my own experience, you have to accept the likelihood that K will never understand. It sounds like you two have/had a better relationship than I did with my former wife. I truly believe that only another gay can fully understand where you are in your life and that going on as the same "actor on a stage" just will not work any longer.

Staright spouses for the most part do not grasp that it's not about them, that it's not their fault, and that there really is nothing that they can do but try to understand to the best of their ability. I had hoped that my former wife and I could remain friends but she destroyed that possibility. I hope you have better luck on that front.