One of the things I am trying to get K to understand is that I have reached a place where I don't really know who I am. I have pretended for close to 30 years to be someone totally different from who I really am, I know longer know that person. Each day I look in the mirror the face looking back at me look less and less familiar. More like a stranger.
I have said before that I envy straight people. They do not have to pretend. The feel what they are supposed to feel. Everyone around them reinforces that feeling and they know they are (for lack of a letter term) feeling correctly. How nice must that be. For a lot of years that is exactly what I have done.
I need her to understand that this is not just be getting tired of her. It is me being honest for the first time in my life with her, with myself and with the world about who I really am. I think she will still be hurt and angry, but I also this that if she can reason it out and understand this in not about blow jobs and more about shedding the false identity I have created for myself, I think it might be easier.
I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I think that it's important that she understand, to the extent possible, how I have gotten us to the point in the road. I think if she can clearly understand it will be easier for us to decide together the right course of action. The right time to separate, while still being supportive of each other.
Wish me luck.