About 2 months ago I when to look at a house where there was a room for rent. When I told her about it she asked, "How does is feel in your belly?" (She is a very "California" kind of therapist.) The truth is, it felt tight and my body was telling me I was freaked out. I looked around for a minute and got out as fast as I could. (It did not help that the guy was kind of creepy.)
She is encouraging me to move out (like many of my blogger friends) and let K move on. Why don't I do it?
I like my family. I love my family. I love my kids. I love K. I like to think those are the primary reasons. What are the others? I'm scared to leave everything I know. I am not sure how to establish myself in a world that I know very little about and I have conditioned myself is not for me.
My youngest son was sick today and stayed home from school. I came home a lunch to sit with him so K could go to her therapist, alone. When she got back it seems they spent a lot of time talking about the reasons why I have not left and why she has not kicked me out. She still loves me and is hoping I will come to my senses. There is also the point that I have been honest with her from the beginning and I have not been sneaking around, cheating on her.
Because we still love, and like, each other, we have many options. She did say again, that if I decided that I had to leave, that yes, it would suck for a while, she was sure that everything would be OK in the end. I am not sure I share her optimism. I want to, but I am not sure I do.
In the end I have to stop living on the fence. I have to stop living in the neutral zone. I need to either live my life as a straight family man, or as a gay man with an ex-wife and kids. Where I am now I can see both worlds. I can have limited interaction with both, but cannot be a full participant in either.
It's a very lonely place to be and for a long time now, I have been frozen in place.