Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why Doesn't He Just Leave?

The therapist I have been seeing for just over a year now is always asking me what my body is telling me. "Listen to your body. How does it feel in your belly?" she would say.

About 2 months ago I when to look at a house where there was a room for rent. When I told her about it she asked, "How does is feel in your belly?" (She is a very "California" kind of therapist.) The truth is, it felt tight and my body was telling me I was freaked out. I looked around for a minute and got out as fast as I could. (It did not help that the guy was kind of creepy.)

She is encouraging me to move out (like many of my blogger friends) and let K move on. Why don't I do it?

I like my family. I love my family. I love my kids. I love K. I like to think those are the primary reasons. What are the others? I'm scared to leave everything I know. I am not sure how to establish myself in a world that I know very little about and I have conditioned myself is not for me.

My youngest son was sick today and stayed home from school. I came home a lunch to sit with him so K could go to her therapist, alone. When she got back it seems they spent a lot of time talking about the reasons why I have not left and why she has not kicked me out. She still loves me and is hoping I will come to my senses. There is also the point that I have been honest with her from the beginning and I have not been sneaking around, cheating on her.

Because we still love, and like, each other, we have many options. She did say again, that if I decided that I had to leave, that yes, it would suck for a while, she was sure that everything would be OK in the end. I am not sure I share her optimism. I want to, but I am not sure I do.

In the end I have to stop living on the fence. I have to stop living in the neutral zone. I need to either live my life as a straight family man, or as a gay man with an ex-wife and kids. Where I am now I can see both worlds. I can have limited interaction with both, but cannot be a full participant in either.

It's a very lonely place to be and for a long time now, I have been frozen in place.


Nik_TheGreek said...

Some things you have to decide and do on your own... I'm sorry for that


manxxman said...

How many "frozen" gay married men are there out many to count. At least you have acknowledged this.....which you need to do before you can go forward. And forward is where you will end up going because continuing to "live the lie" is no longer an option.

K will always be a part of your life in some form or fashion.....yes it will be different....hey it has to be, but look at it this way, the difference might be a great deal better then the reality you have now.

By all means do this in your own time.....but you know in your heart of hearts where you need to travel.....

Tom said...

It's all good my friend... But, as they say... "Sometimes you got to shit, or get off the pot"...

I don't envy you... Oh wait... I was you!!!

Do what your "California" doc suggests, but do it in your own way, and in your own time. Just don't hurt those around you (like I did) for waiting too long...


RB said...

If she wanted you gone you'd be gone. Hang tight, save your money, wait until you're really ready.