I know she was joking, for a lot of reasons, including she is very worried that the children will blame her for for our separation. Putting that to the side I told her very plainly that the things I am afraid of are not things that can be influenced by lawyers and judges.
I suppose aside to granting some sort of restraining order, where I cannot see my kids there is nothing a judge could do to hurt me. I don't worry about that either. I suppose it could happen, but I could get hit by a meteor too.
I am not worried about money. I told her I can pretty much guarantee that she will get more money from me by relying on my sense of responsibility and guilt than she will get from any court. I have already figured out the minimum I need to survive once I move out. K and the kids will get the rest.
I worry about hearts and minds. Maintaining my deep friendship with her is the most important thing to me. I know it is it difficult to explain. It have been hard for me to explain to to K. I think the best way I can think to explain it to compare it to twins that are very close. You know what I'm talking about. You have seen these twins when are close and do everything together. That's how I feel about K. While I am at a place were I need to be out of the closet, I need to be who I am. I don't know if I can live without K in my life.
I know someone is going tell me that I need to get over that, but I don't think I will be able to. I don't think I can move my head that far.
I'll bet most men when they decide to get a divorce are not really concerned with the ex. They go to the lawyer. The fill out some paperwork. They go to court and they are free. How the ex feels it really of no consequence. Yes, I know I am WAY over-simplifying the situation of others, but this is how I feel. I cannot just walk away to go find my Mr. Right. I just can't. I need to find another way.
K and I have gotten through a lot of shit in the past 18 years and we have always done it the same way, together. Oddly enough, I am convinced we can even separate "together" and support each other in our new lives. Am I just dreaming? Maybe.