Sunday, December 6, 2009

Things I am Really Afraid of.

K and I were talking the other day, sort of joking around when I told her she should be nicer to me. I could go a "crazy gay" at any minute. She told me I was the one that needed to be nice to her. "I know where all the bodies are buried. All I need is a scum-bag lawyer to take you to the cleaners."

I know she was joking, for a lot of reasons, including she is very worried that the children will blame her for for our separation. Putting that to the side I told her very plainly that the things I am afraid of are not things that can be influenced by lawyers and judges.

I suppose aside to granting some sort of restraining order, where I cannot see my kids there is nothing a judge could do to hurt me. I don't worry about that either. I suppose it could happen, but I could get hit by a meteor too.

I am not worried about money. I told her I can pretty much guarantee that she will get more money from me by relying on my sense of responsibility and guilt than she will get from any court. I have already figured out the minimum I need to survive once I move out. K and the kids will get the rest.

I worry about hearts and minds. Maintaining my deep friendship with her is the most important thing to me. I know it is it difficult to explain. It have been hard for me to explain to to K. I think the best way I can think to explain it to compare it to twins that are very close. You know what I'm talking about. You have seen these twins when are close and do everything together. That's how I feel about K. While I am at a place were I need to be out of the closet, I need to be who I am. I don't know if I can live without K in my life.

I know someone is going tell me that I need to get over that, but I don't think I will be able to. I don't think I can move my head that far.

I'll bet most men when they decide to get a divorce are not really concerned with the ex. They go to the lawyer. The fill out some paperwork. They go to court and they are free. How the ex feels it really of no consequence. Yes, I know I am WAY over-simplifying the situation of others, but this is how I feel. I cannot just walk away to go find my Mr. Right. I just can't. I need to find another way.

K and I have gotten through a lot of shit in the past 18 years and we have always done it the same way, together. Oddly enough, I am convinced we can even separate "together" and support each other in our new lives. Am I just dreaming? Maybe.

5 comments:

RB said...

She's right....she could destroy you if she wanted. You'll give her more money than any court? You might be surprised about that.

You may want to lock up this deal quickly. All you need is for her to start talking to girlfriends, etc....become bitter and really cause problems.

jim said...

I appreciate your concern, but I'm just not worried about it. She's talked to all her friends, her family, everyone for over 18 months. If she was going to try to go crazy, it would have happened by now. Even if it was possible for her to "destroy" me, it's really not who she is.

Java said...

Hi Jim, I just read Michael-in-Norfolk's post about your situation. This is my first visit to your blog, so of course I don't know anything about your relationship with your wife, what you've told her, what she's done, etc.

I know a few gay men who have been married then come out later in life. Some of them are on excellent terms with their ex-wives.

How long has your wife known you are gay? Just from reading this post and the one you posted Friday, I get the impression that she is a very reasonable woman. It's obvious that you love her very much. I like your twins analogy. I hope the two of you can remain friends. Does she know anyone else in her situation? Anyone whose husband divorced her because he's gay? Or for that matter, anyone who is straight but supportive of homosexuality?

Good luck!

Bigg said...

I will wish you all the best of luck, and try to hang onto your concern for your ex - it will make things smoother down the road.

AWILTAGM said...

I love you right now. You have brought such a sense of peice to my life I can even explain it. First of all I feel the same way about my husband as you do K. The connection, I beleive he feels the same way. I know he feels the same way you do about the financials, moving out and still being close friends. Is this working out for you guys? Again thank you for your inspiration!