I started it reluctantly. My shrink talked me into it and I am really glad she did. I'll have to let her know next time I see her.
I have been wallowing in my own self pity over the past few days. I am growing tired of the limbo I am in. I don't seem to have the courage to leave, but I know that staying will only is not the right thing either. I know that it will only prolong the suffering for all of us. Well ... for me and K anyway. I think the kids would much prefer I stay where I am.
K's therapist told her something that has been bugging me. When K told her that I have been feeling down lately. She told her, "Not to get sucked into my drama." WHAT!!? For all my problems I am really pretty drama free. I know that K cannot fix my problems and she cannot make it better. But she can still listen and be supportive.
I feel so powerless and while I know that doing nothing is not the best thing to do, I also think that anything I do will make it worse. I have been thinking about T. How good it feels to be with him and how I long for his touch, to hear his voice in person (not just on the phone). I think about K. How nice it is to be around someone who knows me better than anyone else ever can. I think about the kids and how they need to have be around and how I love be with them.
K told me today, "It's my new reality since whether you live with me or not, you aren't going to be 'WITH' me." She really is the smartest person I know. I think it true of course. But does that help me see the right course of action? What should I do with that information? Or maybe I do nothing with it. I just file it away, knowing that K is making some progress in accepting our situation. I wonder how soon I will be making progress?