Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My first 100 Posts

When a new president takes office the media looks at his first 100 days as some sort of benchmark. This is my 100th post on this blog and I can really say I have had a good time writing it and I am thrilled I have met some really nice people through it.

I started it reluctantly. My shrink talked me into it and I am really glad she did. I'll have to let her know next time I see her.

I have been wallowing in my own self pity over the past few days. I am growing tired of the limbo I am in. I don't seem to have the courage to leave, but I know that staying will only is not the right thing either. I know that it will only prolong the suffering for all of us. Well ... for me and K anyway. I think the kids would much prefer I stay where I am.

K's therapist told her something that has been bugging me. When K told her that I have been feeling down lately. She told her, "Not to get sucked into my drama." WHAT!!? For all my problems I am really pretty drama free. I know that K cannot fix my problems and she cannot make it better. But she can still listen and be supportive.

I feel so powerless and while I know that doing nothing is not the best thing to do, I also think that anything I do will make it worse. I have been thinking about T. How good it feels to be with him and how I long for his touch, to hear his voice in person (not just on the phone). I think about K. How nice it is to be around someone who knows me better than anyone else ever can. I think about the kids and how they need to have be around and how I love be with them.

K told me today, "It's my new reality since whether you live with me or not, you aren't going to be 'WITH' me." She really is the smartest person I know. I think it true of course. But does that help me see the right course of action? What should I do with that information? Or maybe I do nothing with it. I just file it away, knowing that K is making some progress in accepting our situation. I wonder how soon I will be making progress?


manxxman said...

The reality is that you are making progress right now.....even though it may not feel like it. And I sort of agree with K's therapist. She doesn't have to go through every one of your twists and turns, after all that's not helping you separate, which is probably what you need to be working on.

K will always be there, but give her a chance to be there for you in your new life, which includes you getting your own place.....

No time like the present.

Bear Me Out said...

The manxxman has wisdom. It will get worse before it gets better. There is no painless way through this.