I think being gay sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.
Oddly enough, K and I want the same thing. She wants our family back. She wants us not to be broken anymore. She wants us to be a family, a real family again. United forever. Standing together, till death do us part.
She wants us to recommit ourselves to each other. She said if I thought her "parameters" were doable, she would recommit to me tomorrow. (No, I don't know what those parameters are, but I assume at least one of them involves no intimate contact with anyone else (male or female) which is not unreasonable.)
I want that badly. I would do almost anything to get it. If I thought for one second that gay conversion therapy would work, I would be standing in line, praying to be cured tomorrow. I really would.
I want my family back. I liked it better when I was in denial about who I am. It was a lot better then. I was a lot better when I could think of myself as a straight ally of gay people. While I was a supporter of gay people and their rights, I was sure I was not really one of them. Even when I was "experimenting" with guys, I left those encounters convinced I was straight, just just a little homosexual desire. In fact some of those encounters were with guys who were just as straight as me. sigh.
I was sure about my family relationships. I was sure K and I would be together forever. When K would tell me about her best friend and her boneheaded husband, we would look at each other and reassure each other that, that would be us.
But the truth is I am gay. I am living in that uncomfortable space between gay and straight. K wants to be out of limbo and have certainty back in her life, in our life. But now that I know who I am, will I just be going through the motions? Will I really be the husband she wants, needs and deserves? Will it all be just a lie again? I think it will, but what is my happiness worth? It is worth more than hers? The kids?
Maybe the truth that while I am gay and she is straight, we have a lot better relationship together than a lot of straight couples we know. K's sister for example. Her and her husband are on the brink of open warfare in their house. With all our troubles, we are no where near that. Maybe that is a relationship I can build on. Maybe a little thing like she is not a man it not such a big deal. Maybe I should take the good things I have a count myself lucky. After all she knows I am gay and she accepts me, she loves me, and she still wants to be with me. How many gay married can say that about their wives?
Can I recommit to her? Promise to be the best husband I can to her? Stand with her into old age and beyond?
I hate being gay.