Monday, December 21, 2009

Recommit?

I think being gay sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.

Oddly enough, K and I want the same thing. She wants our family back. She wants us not to be broken anymore. She wants us to be a family, a real family again. United forever. Standing together, till death do us part.

She wants us to recommit ourselves to each other. She said if I thought her "parameters" were doable, she would recommit to me tomorrow. (No, I don't know what those parameters are, but I assume at least one of them involves no intimate contact with anyone else (male or female) which is not unreasonable.)

I want that badly. I would do almost anything to get it. If I thought for one second that gay conversion therapy would work, I would be standing in line, praying to be cured tomorrow. I really would.

I want my family back. I liked it better when I was in denial about who I am. It was a lot better then. I was a lot better when I could think of myself as a straight ally of gay people. While I was a supporter of gay people and their rights, I was sure I was not really one of them. Even when I was "experimenting" with guys, I left those encounters convinced I was straight, just just a little homosexual desire. In fact some of those encounters were with guys who were just as straight as me. sigh.

I was sure about my family relationships. I was sure K and I would be together forever. When K would tell me about her best friend and her boneheaded husband, we would look at each other and reassure each other that, that would be us.

But the truth is I am gay. I am living in that uncomfortable space between gay and straight. K wants to be out of limbo and have certainty back in her life, in our life. But now that I know who I am, will I just be going through the motions? Will I really be the husband she wants, needs and deserves? Will it all be just a lie again? I think it will, but what is my happiness worth? It is worth more than hers? The kids?

Maybe the truth that while I am gay and she is straight, we have a lot better relationship together than a lot of straight couples we know. K's sister for example. Her and her husband are on the brink of open warfare in their house. With all our troubles, we are no where near that. Maybe that is a relationship I can build on. Maybe a little thing like she is not a man it not such a big deal. Maybe I should take the good things I have a count myself lucky. After all she knows I am gay and she accepts me, she loves me, and she still wants to be with me. How many gay married can say that about their wives?

Can I recommit to her? Promise to be the best husband I can to her? Stand with her into old age and beyond?

Maybe.

Damn.

I hate being gay.

3 comments:

Brent said...

I've had these exact same feelings. But I know I cannot ever go back. I was constantly fighting with myself for all those years. I thought I could control it, I thought it would go away...but it never did. At times I felt straight...but then those feelings would come back. I'd want to be with a man... It wasn't real with her, and she deserves a man that really wants to be with her and really find "straight sex" satisfying. And I deserve to be satisfied too.

Nik_TheGreek said...

I agree with Brent. I think that everybody more or less goes through the phase you are now. I've said to myself 'I hate being gay' and I've also wondered 'Why it had to happen to me?'. Unfortunately, you are going through now something that most people go through in younger age without all these responsibilities.
The thing that I can say to you is that you are not the only one and it WILL get better.
You should be happy to have that wonderful family and your children that love you and that you love. You can recommit to K, but in a different more honest way. You may not be her husband but still grow old together...

manxxman said...

You keep circling around the same tree, hoping it will be different when you get around it the next time. It's not different is it....no and no amount of "wishing" is going to change the situation. But you can only go forward as you let go of the past. It's not possible to sit on that fence your entire life......sorry.