Saturday, December 12, 2009

In the Blur

So I have had some stuff happen this week, some positive, some I'm not to sure about.

After our "You lied" talk, K met with her shrink and they talked about all the possibilities for us. They talked them all out. Everything from me leaving and never returning to me staying, pretending I'm straight and living forever as a married couple. K and I talked about that same later in the day. She told me, as she has before, if I walked away from her (as a husband) tomorrow, it would suck, really bad, for a while, but she knew in her gut that everyone would be OK in the end. I thought that was positive.

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K removed the "married" status from her Facebook page. She also removed the paragraph about her being "married to her soulmate" in her profile. Of course when changed like this occur, a notification is send to all her friends. We have 20 friends in common (mostly her family and my family) so they have all seen it. Including my mother, who called my sister who called me tonight to see what was going on. They know about my situation, but I think there were as surprised to see that K has made that chance so publicly.

She did not tell me before she did it, I found out like everyone else. At first I was not thrilled, but then the more I thought about it, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it is more movement in the right direction. the direction that will get us out of this rut and on the path to a better situation.

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K has a profile on a online dating site. She is talking to someone who she says seems nice. I also think this is progress. While it will be difficult for me to see her move on, I know that she needs to (and deserves to) and I think she will be a lot happier if she can find someone (a straight someone) that will lover her the way she wants, needs and deserves to be loved. It is WAY too soon to know if this guy is the one (she has not met him in person yet) but that is not really important. The important thing is that she has cracked the door open in a way that she was not willing to before.

She told the guy that I still live here and I am gay. It did not scare him off. (at least not yet) Another good sign. On of the things she worried about was that he now has so much baggage that she would not be able to attract a good (straight) man who will love her.

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With all this movement on her part I am starting to realize that I am the one that is stuck. I am so fearful of the great gay unknown that I am not really moving at all. I am sort of adrift. My shrink point that out to me last week. She says I am like a rudderless ship, waiting for K to kick me out of the house. Waiting for life to happen to me.

I guess I have been like that for a long time. How do you break out of that pattern. How do you fix that and make it better. At 41 years old, I think I am starting to realize that if I am not careful my whole life will pass me by and I will be either be stuck or adrift for most of it. As I am quickly reaching the point in my life when there are more days behind me than in front, I need to figure out how to move. Maybe that will be easier for me now that I can see that K will OK and we will still be friends. Even after we are no longer married.

4 comments:

Bigg said...

I remember the fear of the "great gay unknown" all too well. You have so much to gain by overcoming it - I know I did. I am happier now than I have ever been.

Bear Me Out said...

I thought that I could NEVER do it. I thought that I would never tell the truth, or make the break.

Two plus years out of the house, I still am amazed that I ever did it, that I had the courage.

It will be painful. There will be mourning to do. But it has been the best thing. Like Bigg says, I too am happier than ever, even with the struggles I still have.

manxxman said...

They are entirely correct......but I would warn about the word "happy"....it's so very difficult, my shrink told me I would be "happier" if I could settle for content.....and he was oh so right.

Michael-in-Norfolk said...

The "great gay unknown" can be utterly terrifying. On the one hand, you know where you are currently is not working - and likely will never work again. Yet at the same time, it is familiar. Moving out and accepting yourself as gay is all uncharted territory. I've been there myself. However, you do get past it in time. Hang in there.