I was thinking today about how I live in two worlds. I live most of my time in the straight world where I spend most of my time. The I spend some time in the gay world, like when I am with T.
Then I thought some more. I am not really living in either world. I am living on the fringe, some weird, self imposed neutral zone. When I take a little stock, it turns out I have very few friends. I have some old friends but none of them know who I really am, and all of them live far away from me. K & T are my only friends that know who I am. I have no straight friends and I have no real interest in getting any.
Why should I put forth any effort making friends I cannot be myself with. I besides, where would I meet these friends? School functions? The church where K works?
I would like to have more gay friends. I have 2 and I don't think one counts, since he rarely talks to me. The other is T. He is more than a friend, but friends just the same. What is the point in trying to make gay friends when I am not really out? Where will I meet them. Craigslist? Some gay event? When what will I do when I meet them. Hang out in gay bars and hope I don't get caught? What happens if I meet someone I really like? Or they like me?
At the same time, K and I talked briefly today before she went to work. She thinks I need to decide which world I want to live in. Of course she is right, but is it really a question on "want"? I suppose I can pretend to be straight for another 40 years, until I die, but can I be happy? Just thinking about that makes my stomach all tight, so I am guessing the answer to that is no. What is the alternative, living openly as a gay man. Leaving my family and diving head first into, what looks now like, a giant black hole.
I know 3 types of gay people.
I know a few in long term, committed relationships and they seem VERY happy. One as long as 23 years.
I know one who divorced his wife and became a pathetic slut. He is a mess. While he says he wants one man to be his partner, I think is behavior pattern make that unlikely
The I there is the single, lonely gay guy who longs for a partner and a family, but can't seem to find the right man. He dates endlessly, never finding what he is looking for.
I want to be the first one. I do not have the capacity to be the second one (I tried that and found it empty). I am afraid I will end up the third one. It's is better to be lonely and live honestly, or hold my family together and live a lie.