Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Maybe It's Not My Problem

My therapist has told me that no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness (or contentment) other than their own. K has confirmed that she feels that way too.

She (my therapist) has stopped telling me that that because I told her I don't believe her.

Maybe I should re-think that. Maybe I should make a clean break. Just tell K I no longer love her and move out. Of course I do love her, but maybe I need to keep that to myself so she will give up hope and move on.

Maybe I need to tell her she married a gay guy and I need to be who I am. I'm sorry that hurts her and it's really not my problem. It's hers. Yes the pain will be great, but maybe it like ripping off a bandage. While the might be more intense if you rip it off quickly, it does not last a long.

Maybe I need to ignore her pain and the pain of the children when I leave. Maybe I need to just do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else. No matter how hard I try I cannot stop being gay, so unless I want to waste the rest of my life in the closet, I probably need to just move on. It will be better for everyone.

I have to stop dancing around the tree. Stop living on the fence. I have been hoping that K and I will come to the same conclusion that it really is best for everyone if I move on and it looks like that just is not going to happen. Maybe it's time to cut bait and walk away.

The problem is, I was not brought up to be insensitive to others, especially the ones I love the most. Things seem to me to be so difficult and hopeless that it;s may just be better to pretend and at least some of the people I love will be happy, or at least not as unhappy as they will be if I just leave. Maybe causing all that hurt is not as important to me having the man of my dreams.

Who says I can't live my whole life on the fence? I have been doing it since I was 12. What's another 40 years?


Nik_TheGreek said...

You're talking about 40 years of you being miserable and depressed. You're risking reaching the age of 80 - 90 and regretting the life you've lived.

The children might be hurt that you left but they would definitely not want their father to be unhappy for the rest of his life. I truly believe that they know how you feel and will be OK with it as long as they’ll see you complete and happy.

I think you've reached a point that you cannot live in the closet any longer...

Java said...

You're right, you can't stop being gay. Gay is the natural order of things for you. And that's good.

You've said that you love K. Be honest with her. Don't tell her you don't love her, because you do. You just don't love her in the way that a straight man can. If and when you are ready, moving on is the best thing. If and when.

Can you continue to live your life on the fence? You're a lot wiser than you were when you were 12, or 25, or 35. You are becoming more aware of your nature and your needs. You have been fighting that nature all your life.

You have seen what happens to tree roots when a sidewalk is put too close to the tree. The sidewalk cannot change the natural growth of the tree, not completely and not for long. The roots break through, cracking the sidewalk. Working with nature is better than working against it.

Good luck!

manxxman said...

Of course K knows you love her.....now love her in a more appropriate way.....you know where you need to be.....get on with it.

Oh, by the way Merry Christmas.

The Lion Queen said...

Does coming out to K clear the burden or simply shift the burden from your shoulders on to hers?

I live in a similar situation to yours - I knew what I was before I got married but still chose this way of life. Learn to prioritise what you have and understand that being gay can only ever be at least second to what you already have. Learn to love and accept your situation rather than fighting it. That's just my opinion though. Merry Xmas!


Bear Me Out said...

You are getting the picture. We WANT other to be happy, but we cannot MAKE them happy.

You WANT things different, but you can no longer MAKE them different.

You'll make it. Be honest, but be real.