She (my therapist) has stopped telling me that that because I told her I don't believe her.
Maybe I should re-think that. Maybe I should make a clean break. Just tell K I no longer love her and move out. Of course I do love her, but maybe I need to keep that to myself so she will give up hope and move on.
Maybe I need to tell her she married a gay guy and I need to be who I am. I'm sorry that hurts her and it's really not my problem. It's hers. Yes the pain will be great, but maybe it like ripping off a bandage. While the might be more intense if you rip it off quickly, it does not last a long.
Maybe I need to ignore her pain and the pain of the children when I leave. Maybe I need to just do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else. No matter how hard I try I cannot stop being gay, so unless I want to waste the rest of my life in the closet, I probably need to just move on. It will be better for everyone.
I have to stop dancing around the tree. Stop living on the fence. I have been hoping that K and I will come to the same conclusion that it really is best for everyone if I move on and it looks like that just is not going to happen. Maybe it's time to cut bait and walk away.
The problem is, I was not brought up to be insensitive to others, especially the ones I love the most. Things seem to me to be so difficult and hopeless that it;s may just be better to pretend and at least some of the people I love will be happy, or at least not as unhappy as they will be if I just leave. Maybe causing all that hurt is not as important to me having the man of my dreams.
Who says I can't live my whole life on the fence? I have been doing it since I was 12. What's another 40 years?