Sunday, December 27, 2009

Life On The Fence

First, I hope everyone had a great Christmas (if you are into that sort of thing). Mine started out really good, but then when down hill. My daughter spiked a high fever on Christmas day. We called the pediatrician and since they are not open on Christmas, the nurse said to give her Advil and call back if she gets worse. I was not happy with that so I called T. I don't know if I have mentioned it before but T is a physician and he thought that my daughter's fever was too high and we should take her to an urgent care. We tried that but it too was closed and then we ended up in the Emergency Room.

So from 2:00 to almost 7:00 on Christmas afternoon, K, My daughter, my youngest son, and me sad in an exam room at the hospital ER. Oh yeah, lots of fun.

In the end, nothing life threatening is happening, but no one has slept much over the past 2 nights, since she is up a lot.

One another note I am trying to decide if my life is moving at all.

K told me that she is disappointed, but not angry, that when she offered me a chance to recommit to her and our marriage that I did not jump at the chance. We have not talked much more about that. Since I am home from work for the next week, we will have plenty of chances.

I also sent her a note. In it I tried to explain where I am and the decisions that I have to make. From her perspective it's simple. She told me, "I can't believe you want to give up all you have for a penis." Of course, it is not that simple.

I made my fence analogy. I am in a spot between the gay world and the straight world and part of what keeps me from interacting with the 2 is that I am in the closet to much of the world. I can't make straight friends because I cannot be myself since I would be hiding a secret and I cannot really make gay friends because I can't be totally open with them either. Because of this, I am so lonely much of the time I could just sit and cry much of the time.

On the other hand, there are things that make me less lonely, when my younger kids meet me at the door when I come home from work. When my older kids tell me something that is happening in their life. Even K will help chase the loneliness away. When she smiles or laughs, I sometimes forget the struggles in my mind, but only for a little while.

I will never be able to be part of the straight world the way she is, since I am not straight and I never will be. So my decision point is not really do I live in the gay or straight world. The decision is really, do I keep the live I have and continue to live on the fence for rest of my life, endure the personal loneliness in exchange for the benefits I get the being the with people I love or do I come completely out, find a man (T or someone else) who I can love & be loved, and try to be the best father and friend I can be?

I don;t know if this is progress or not, but it feels like it. I have narrowed my list of choices from 3 to 2. I have explained them to K and she just might get it.

If I leave our marriage and family, she has to understand that there is more to it than just a desire for me to play with a hard cock. It about much more than just physical sex.


Java said...

Sounds like progress to me. You are asking good questions, and that's a big part of the progress.

Is it necessary that K understands there's more to your needs than the desire for a hard cock? You're absolutely right, there is SO much more to it than that. It would be great if K could understand that, but is it absolutely necessary? Because as the situation stands now, she might not be able to. Should that stand in the way of your decision? Just a thought.

manxxman said...

It's about fitting in "naturally" in a partnership.......

The Lion Queen said...

I hope it all works out for you. I understand and relate to so much of what you say.

Good luck and happy new year!