Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

"Either you lied to me, to yourself, or both." That's what K said to me this afternoon. She was referring to the promises I made to her 16 years ago when I said I could be her husband and do (and feel) all the things that a husband is supposed to for his wife.

The answer, of course, is both. It's actually more than that, I lied to everyone I have come into contact with over the past 25 years. The fact that I did it with good intentions is beside the point. I still lied.

K told me today that she cannot imagine her life without me. In fact, I cannot imagine my life without her either. The problem, I know in my heart that my life is wrong now. As much as I want to be the man she needs me to me, that I promised to be, I am not that man. I'm gay.

It started as a teen when I refused to be gay. On that day I started the lie. From that moment forward I lied to everyone. My friends, my family, my wife, and most of all myself. For all these years I created a reality for myself (and everyone else) that I was something I wanted to be, but something I wasn't

Now I am in a place where K (and by extension the kids) were subjected to that lie and now they are going to pay the price. I am heartbroken about that.


manxxman said...

I can understand and even sympathize with you over the "lie".....but what the hell does society expect from young gay men when it tells them they are not "normal" if they are gay.....they do what you did, what I did, what countless numbers of men did.......they LIED.

Well it's time for everyone to get over themselves and get on with getting on. In her heart K knows you can't be that person anymore that you pretended to be.....and you can't, unless of course you want to go crazy.

Began the process of loving yourself for who you are.....it will make it easier for K to also.

jim said...

Sounds easy enough with you say it.

RB said...

I don't think liar is the right word.

Don't you think that you know a lot more about life now at age 41 than you did at 18? It probably just took time to figure things out. I doubt that you knew for sure you were homosexual at age 18 and consciously made the decision to hide it all these years. You figured it out over time.

Hindsight is 20/20.

manxxman said...

RB......I knew I was gay long before I was 18.....a lot of us did, but come out.....come on....that was impossible.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you've got this one life to live, you need to get on with it. Don't be like me and wait until you in your late 50's to move forward. My only regret is that I didn't do it a lot earlier.....the fear was so disabling I though I'd choke on it......in reality once I stepped through the fear my life improved immeasurably.....