K and I finally met together with her therapist (let's call her "Pam"). She is more direct than mine. We talked about options and we talked about what we could life with. I explained my metaphor about living on the fence or between the fences. (read below if you missed it).
K said she would like to try recommitment, with some not unreasonable conditions. We talked some about commitment and our wedding vows. We talked about how I wanted to be straight, would give anything to be straight and be able to have my straight life. We talked about how maybe the happiness fo K and the kids was more important than mine. We talked able to be relatively happy being married to K for so long.
This is when the dawn started breaking and the clouds of confusion started to clear.
I did it before. Why was I so hesitant now? Because before I was under the self-created delusion that I was "bi-sexual" or at least not gay. Not that delusion is gone. I no longer believe it. It is no longer real. I can't go back that delusion. Then I would really be living a lie.
Then we talked about separating and what that would look like. That is not K's preferred direction but at this point she wants any direction. One thing that Pam said that really struck a cord with me. She said that separating would be difficult, very painful, but the pain would eventually end. If we tried to stay together, with me living on the fence and in pain from that, that pain would not have an end. There would be no healing, just an open sore on my otherwise good straight life. This was a lightbulb moment for me and maybe K too. I am not a good liar. If the pain I am in today was to be eternal, I don't think I could survive it.
So made the decision to separate. We don't know how long that will take, or what it will look like, but that is the direction we are moving. The 18 months of limbo is finally over.
There is a part of me that is terrified beyond belief. Like I am jumping off a cliff with no idea what is at the bottom, and no way to get back up. On the other hand, there is a feeling that a weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of relief.
I am finally on a road to a place where the pain will end.