Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Pain Will End

So today was the day.

K and I finally met together with her therapist (let's call her "Pam"). She is more direct than mine. We talked about options and we talked about what we could life with. I explained my metaphor about living on the fence or between the fences. (read below if you missed it).

K said she would like to try recommitment, with some not unreasonable conditions. We talked some about commitment and our wedding vows. We talked about how I wanted to be straight, would give anything to be straight and be able to have my straight life. We talked about how maybe the happiness fo K and the kids was more important than mine. We talked able to be relatively happy being married to K for so long.

This is when the dawn started breaking and the clouds of confusion started to clear.

I did it before. Why was I so hesitant now? Because before I was under the self-created delusion that I was "bi-sexual" or at least not gay. Not that delusion is gone. I no longer believe it. It is no longer real. I can't go back that delusion. Then I would really be living a lie.

Then we talked about separating and what that would look like. That is not K's preferred direction but at this point she wants any direction. One thing that Pam said that really struck a cord with me. She said that separating would be difficult, very painful, but the pain would eventually end. If we tried to stay together, with me living on the fence and in pain from that, that pain would not have an end. There would be no healing, just an open sore on my otherwise good straight life. This was a lightbulb moment for me and maybe K too. I am not a good liar. If the pain I am in today was to be eternal, I don't think I could survive it.

So made the decision to separate. We don't know how long that will take, or what it will look like, but that is the direction we are moving. The 18 months of limbo is finally over.

There is a part of me that is terrified beyond belief. Like I am jumping off a cliff with no idea what is at the bottom, and no way to get back up. On the other hand, there is a feeling that a weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of relief.

I am finally on a road to a place where the pain will end.

5 comments:

Java said...

Wow. Congratulations on making a decision. I like what the therapist said about the pain. That makes a lot of sense.

Good luck. You are not completely alone in this jump, not really. There are others who have gone before (I see some of them in your blogroll) and many who are here to listen and sympathize.

Remember to breathe.

The Lion Queen said...

I imagine at last having made decisions that are so life-changing is a huge relief as well as terrifying. Hope it works out for you all.

Wishing you lots of luck and a big virtual hug.

http://idontunderstanditeither.blogspot.com/

manxxman said...

What you are doing is real.....you are who you are and that's a good thing......embrase it and move on.

K and the kids will be fine....you'll always, always be there for them......but from now on as a more real you.

Bear Me Out said...

I so understand what you're feeling. I so understand how difficult and painful it is. But the ongoing, 'eternal' misery is affecting more than you.

Yo will make it. You can still be an active parent. You can both make it work for yourselves and the kids. YES, it will hurt, but it will be better.

Bear Me Out said...

And, may the New Year bring greater peace. It's in the journey.

Shalom, friend.