Saturday, June 12, 2010

Back When I Was Straight.

Back when I was straight, my life was simple.

Yes, there was stress sometimes, but it was normal stress. Things like money, kids stuff, work and family.  You know, all the normal things that people deal with all the time.  But at the end of each day, when I got into bed, I knew that things were OK.  The people who love me were there, and would be there tomorrow when I got up.  Because my stress was like everyone else's, I could talk to be about it and listen to their stress.  When you can compare stress and share it, it makes it more manageable.

Of course, it was not really normal. There was all kinds of stress that only I had to deal with.  I had to deal with it alone.  I had no friends or family I could share it with.  I could not talk about it with K at that time.  I was straight on the outside and gay on the inside.  As many people in my situation, that causes it's own special kind of stress.

Many nights after K would go to sleep, I would quietly get out of bed, go the my porn stash on the computer and ... well  ... I would have a private moment.  I got caught a couple of times and I know she was not thrilled with the idea of me ... having a moment ... while looking a pictures of men when there was a perfectly good woman (and perfectly willing) upstairs who would take care of my needs.   Looking back it is hard to imagine how I maintained the straight (or more accurately bi) delusion as long as I did.

Now that I am out (partly out anyway) I have different stressors, in addition to the old ones.  And at the end of the day, I am sleeping alone.  I know the people who love me still love me.  I know there will be somewhere in the morning, but they will all not be right there with me.  I guess I am getting used to that idea.  Now I have to coordinate schedules for everything.  If I want to see T, and I am averaging only a little better than once a week, I have to coordinate my schedule with his, then mine, then K's.  When coordinating with K that also means coordinating with AJ and by extension, his daughter, and I don't even know them.

I don't want to give the impression that this stress is out of control or it is something I cannot handle.  It's not and I can.  It's just of those things I am thinking about.  Now that my life has moved out of perpetual crisis mode, I have the time to look back at how things have changed over the past 2 years.  

In many areas of my life, nothing has changed, in fact it is surprising how little they have changed.  My relationship with my family (parents & sister) is basically the same, in face we may be a bit closer than before.  My relationship with my kids in unchanged.  They know K and I will eventually divorce and they seem to be OK, probably because I am still living here in the house.  He have not gone over the gay thing, so things may change then, but I will worry about that later.  

Other things have changed drastically.  I am in love with a man.  And not just any man.  I'm in love with T.  (I hope he doesn't mind that I posted his picture here.)  I fell in love with him 2 years ago, but I did not allow myself to embrace that feeling at first.  I denied I was feeling it.  I resisted feeling it. I did feel it.  Now I don't have to resist it anymore.  I can embrace that love and love him openly now.  Not that I am shouting it around like I'm Tom Cruise, but I am now able to feel the feelings within myself and even tall a few others about it.

My relationship to my gay self has changed too.  I am now openly and, more importantly, comfortably gay.  I am still not out to most people yet, but in my head there is no longer any question about who I am.  I am gay and that's OK.  I still struggle with past choices and what is means to me and other around me that I am gay after living the straight lie for so long, but I no longer struggle with wether I am gay or not

My relationship with K is a mixed bag.  On many levels, much about it is the same.  We are still partners in parenting and we are sill connected on the more practical matters of living together.  We are still best friends.  She tells me about and discusses most every aspect of her life.  She tells me about how her relationship with AJ is progressing.  I know they are having their own ... private moments ... but she does not tell me the details (and I really don't want them) aside from knowing he is an unselfish lover that make her feel like she wants to feel.  I am REALLY glad she has found that in him.  I know it was very frustrating for her.

Other things with K have changed a lot.  For one thing we are no longer having ... private moments.  We are no longer sleeping together, meaning we now have separate beds in separate parts of the house.  This is creating a level of separation that I am not really used to.  It is getting better.  Even thought we stopped having sex a long time ago, I was nice to not have to sleep alone.  I am slowly getting used to it and eventually it will be OK.


T. said...

LOL...I wish I have a body like that. :)Or are you indirectly telling me to exercise? LOL.

jim said...

I don't love you less because you don't have a body like that. But if you did, I would love you more.

Hee Hee.