Monday, June 14, 2010

Unusual Situation? Yeah, I'll say.

I got an anonymous comment on my "Mulligan??" post from yesterday.  The comment came from a woman says she is in a similar situation that K and I are in.  Early 40's, 4 kids and best friends.  She says her husband is still coming to terms with his sexuality.  

I would very much like to talk with her, privately, about her situation.  I am not suggesting I have all (or any) answers for her, but just talking to someone who knows what you are going through, is helpful for anyone.  Also, I believe I would get something out of the exchange. Every time I talk to (or even hear about) someone who might have first hand experience with how my life has turned out, I feel a little less alone. 

K and I were just talking about something like this earlier today.  We were in the car going to pick up the kids from a day camp they are in for a couple of weeks.  We talked about last night when AJ came into the house for the first time, while I was there.

K bought herself ticket to a musical she really wanted to see and the show was last night.  She went with AJ and his daughter.  (She asked our older kids and they did not want to go.)  AJ came to pick K up, but first his daughter wanted K to do her hair.  So they had to come inside.

I been home when the daughter has been here before.  I know she is uncomfortable around me and I don't blame her.  She is 15 and for most of her life, her mother was very sick and about 18 months ago, passed away.  She is very much hoping this thing with AJ and K works out.  While she was here, I said something, and I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember she gave me a funny look.  I did not think much about it at the time.  AJ came in the house too and we exchanged a little small talk.  K quickly finished the hair and they were off.

What made me think of that was when we (K and I) talking about her feelings for AJ, I jokingly asked if she was sure he was straight.  She assured me he was and then said, "I think you creep him out a little."  

I paused a moment.  I was not sure if it is because I am gay, or because I am still married to K and we continue to life together in the same house.  It is probably a little of both.  He is a pretty conservative guy on most topics, but has a "live and let live" attitude about gays.  I suspect he does not personally know any gay people.

K pointed out that this situation is new for them.  (It's new for us too!!)  Both AJ and daughter know divorced couples.  Most of them can't stand each other, fight all the time and some have been very messy.  With K and I remaining close, it is a very unusual situation indeed.

I think it will be OK in the long run.  It was progress that AJ even came inside while I was there.  I also think it was an effort to make the bit of little small talk he did.  What is important, however, is he made the effort.  I think that is a really good sign.  I do not have any expectation that AJ and I will be friends, that would be nice, but maybe not realistic.  But I do expect that if K and him are going to be together long term, that we can be friendly.  I feel the same way about T.  I while it would be nice if they could be friends, I think that is too much to expect.  What they have to be, is friendly.  They have to be able to be together without being uncomfortable.  This is the only way that my Thanksgiving-with-the WHOLE-family fantasy will work.

I know this will take time.  It might even take even years, but I am sure it will happen.

Who would thought when I started this blog 11 months ago, I would have such an optimistic outlook.  It feels pretty good.


Cubby said...

Your post got me smiling. Blogging is like group therapy, don't you agree? I think blogging is doing good things for you and me both, and all of us.

jim said...

It is absolutely therapy!!

It has helped me a lot more than I thought I would.

jlo said...

I find that the more people that I have contact with that are in similar situations as I am, and that I talk with, the better I feel about myself. I can see how it would be an uncomfortable situation to have to make small talk with your girlfriends husband let alone her gay husband but it sounds like he is making the effort. I think like you said this is a good sign of things to come. LOVE AND HUGS

Cece said...

Hi - thanks for your thoughts and words. I emailed you privately last night. Thanks again.