Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Long Distance Love, But Not Too Long

T and I have a strange relationship.  Well, in fairness, it may not really be all that strange, but it's strange to me.  Keeping in mind that I have been living with K for over 17 years, my relationship with T looks very different. 

It's like a long distance relationship.  By far, the majority of our communication is over the phone or text.  We text A LOT.  I'm not complaining, I like that.  It's cool that we can reach each other almost anytime.  Like times during the day when we are working.  There is no time for a phone conversation, but we often have a long text conversation that last all day.  Occasionally we chat with Yahoo messenger for a few hours at night, while I am watching my kids at the same time.

We each go to bed each night in our own beds in our own houses in our own corner of the world.  When I reach out at night wanting to hold him, he might as well be a million miles away.  I don't like that I have to say good night to the phone at night.  Holding my Blackberry is not nearly as nice as holding him.

On the other hand, he is not long distance.  He lives just over an hour from me.  I like to drive, so that is an easy distance for me.  For the past few months I have seen him at least once a week.  If he was really long distance, I would not have that, but I do.  I get to hold him and feel his skin on my skin.  We get to talk in person. I get to see his facial expressions when we talk.  I get to see the love in his eyes.

Because of his schedule and the demands of my kids it is usually not practical for us to get together during the week.  Once in a while maybe.  He does not work on Thursday, and sometimes he can meet me for lunch.  While nice, I only get a short time for lunch so our time is rushed.

For a long time, I have been used to being with my partner.  Day in and day out.  Part of everything she did.  I know some people might find that suffocating, I found it to be very comforting.  It was not that I couldn't do things I wanted to do, I just chose not to.  Everything I needed was at home.  

Now I don't have that.  Even if T was available for me to move in with him tomorrow I couldn't.  K and I promised the kids even though we were separating nothing was going to change for them.  We would continue to live with them, just like before.  That plan may change later on, but probably not in the next few years.

I believe in my heart eventually T and I will call the same place home.  We will curly up in bed together every night and hold each other as we sleep.  We will be physically together.  I know that day will come.  I know I am not ready today for that day.  He is not ready either.  But one day we will be.

For now I am happy.  I am glad that I have a man who is in love with me.  I am glad I am in love with him.  It is difficult to be separated from him, but I know I will see him again soon.  I know that even when we are apart, he is thinking about me and I am thinking about him ... and us.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The man I am in love with is also an hour away from me. We do get to see each other on some weekends. Neither one of us has children but parents to work with. I am looking forward to the day when I can lay down with him each nite as you are with T. Sounds like we both have something very much to look forward to.