Sunday, June 6, 2010

Loved & Lonely

I am loved and that is wonderful.  It is like magic sometimes.  When T and I are together, even if we are not talking or even doing anything, his mere presence fills a void in my heart.  I know that I fill a void in his too.

I get to spend a few house with him every week, which is a marked increase from before.  At that time I was luck to see him every other week.  I think as summer approaches and the kids have few activities I will be able to see him more.  He is also bust with his new house.  He is setting up the inside just like he wants which is taking some time.  He also has elaborate landscaping, trees, flowers, plants, along with his coy pond.  All that take a while to set up and get the way he likes it.  

So between the 2 of us, time is limited.  As an added complication, he lives a hour away, so any time I have to devote to him is already 2 hours less if you factor in travel time.  It's worth it.  Each time I see him, for the first time, he smiles at me.  That smile melts my heart all over again, and that is before we even get in the car together.

I am in a good place generally, but in to every good place a little boo hoo-ing must fall.  Today is my day for that.

I feel lonely.  Now that K has come to accept that I am gay and we are no longer going to stay married, she pulling away form me.  Yes, I know, what did I expect.  She a AJ are really getting along well, that is good too.  I really is, for both of us.

I have a boyfriend who loves me.  We cannot spend nearly as much time together as either of us want.  I know he wants me to be with him more.  He knows that I want to be with him more.  In theory, you might think that would make me feel better.  And on most days, I think it would.  But not today.  Today I think it is making me feel worse.

There have been a few times over the past week and this weekend when I have really just wanted to be held.  In the past I would snuggle up with K and that contact would make me feel better.  

Of course that does not work today for several reasons.  For starters I now know I do not have those feelings for K.  I am pretty sure that her holding me tonight would not have the effect I am hoping for.  There are only one pair of arms that will make me feel less lonely today.  They are an hour drive away.

I know that I am OK.  I know this is temporary and it will pass.  I knew this was something I would have to deal with if T was to me the love with the spark I was looking for.  

It is a bump in the road and it will pass.  Unfortunately, this road I am on full of, yet to be discovered, potholes.

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