Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thinking About the Straight Spouse

I have been thinking about the right wing religious people who are opposed to homosexuality.  I have been thinking about the things they seem to want us, as gay men to do.

* Do not engage in gay sex or relationships.  
* Supress your same sex attractions.
* You chose to be gay and you can choose to be straight
Marry the right woman and you will be OK.

It is this last two points that have been bothering me lately.  Not so much because they are destructive to gay people, which they are, but they are destructive to the straight women we end up marrying.

I have been wondering if the Family Research Council and others like them even think about that.  My guess is they don't.  Once they "cure" the homo, and point them toward a woman, they think everyone will be OK.  But not only is the gay man in pain, but what happens to the woman and the children, if they have any?  What happens in the long run?  Nothing good.

Why do gay men marry straight women?  If you have been reading my blog or many of the ones I follow, for any length of time you know the answer.  We do it because we are in denial.  Why are we in denial?  Because we are made to feel that being gay is a bad thing.  It is so bad we must hide ourselves, or worse pretend to be someone we are not.

In the best of cases you have people like T, who realized himself that he is gay early on.  He did not attempt to date girls, but he was too scared to come out to anyone.  Men like him live most or all of their lives in lonely isolation.  They might seek out random gay sex.  They probably will not have any real relationships because they are afraid to be discovered.  This is a sad state, but at least the effect does not extend beyond the individual gay man.

Then there are others, like me.  We are much worse and the damage we cause is far reaching.  Those who have the feelings for other men, but are so scared or ashamed that they might be gay they "choose" not to be.  The decides that they will not be gay.  They may attempt to live a life that is like other men they know, or men they see on TV, but it is a lie.  Deep down they know that, but do not admit it, even to themselves.  They probably will meet a woman and develop some feelings for her.  She may fall in love with him and because he has never been in love, he assumes the feelings he in feeling are "in love" too.

They may get married and for a while the enjoyment of the close companionship feels a lot like love. They may have children. He sees his relationship appears to be a lot like other men and women he knows.  He must be OK, right? But he is not OK.  When he goes out, with or with out his wife he finds he is watching other men.  As he passes them at the grocery store he look at their faces, their bodies.  At the gym while working out, he is watching the other men.  All the time, watching, and praying he does not get caught.

What about the wife?  What about her?  Does anyone care about her?

Sooner or later the man is going to be discovered.  He will not be able to contain his feelings forever.  She will find out.  If she is lucky, he will tell her.  If she is not lucky, she will discover it herself, or be told by a friend who may not be supportive.  What happens to her?  She is probably older now?  What if she planned to be a housewife and mother for her career?  She may be in her 40's now and facing the prospect of starting her life over.  She has lost the husband she expected to have forever.  The plans for the future are shattered.  Her whole life is ruined because some priest told a gay man he should just find the right girl.

I wonder why that story is never told on the 700 club.  

I think if a lot more straight spouse came out and told their stories, they would be powerful advocates for letting gay people be who they are and not trying to force them (or shame them) into being something else.


Cubby said...

I hope you would consider sending this essay (or some derivative) to or local news media and to other outlets like the 700 Club. It goes a long way to explain why gay folks should not be shoved back into the closet.

manxxman said...

Hell......why would they give time to the spouses "they are just women" and they are suppose to "stay at home, pregnant and cooking dinner".

TwoLives said...

Jim, you make an excellent point. It would be something to have this topic featured on the 700 Club.

I don't have to deal with "right wing religious people" in every day life, so I could be way off about what I'm going to say, but...

It seems to me that such people are not self-aware. When they SAY they want gays to choose a Christian life, that's not exactly what they want. What they want is a society where everyone looks, thinks and acts exactly as they do. Right, wrong, happiness, salvation even, those things don't actually matter. It's all about outward appearances.

The reality of a gay man making a straight woman in a straight marraige miserable is completely irrelevant.

What matters is that they not see two men holding hands in a grocery store.

Anonymous said...

Do you know that the guy with gray hair in the 700 Club used to have a boyfriend before he had that TV show?

RB said...

Now that being gay is more acceptable maybe we will see less of gay men getting married.

jo said...

HI Jim, I found your blog a few weeks ago and am slowly making my way through it. You are giving me so much insight into why gay men would marry a woman and try to live a lie.
I found out my ex husband of 31 years was cheating on me for years with internet strangers he found on Craigslist and Squirt. We tried to make it work and be friends for the first little while, but he continued to make very bad choices and so now we only talk when we have to. My adult daughter does not talk to him at all and won't let him see his grandkids. It had nothing to do with him being gay, but with the years of lies, deception and betrayal.
I admire the way you and K have puu your family first and yet are still trying to live your separate lives (I'm only in 2010 lol). I have a lot of respect for you and the way you tried to take everyone's feelings into consideration. Unfotunately, that is not always the case when men come out at a later age and have a lot of catching up to do :)
Anyways, just wanted to say I am really enjoying your blog, it's helping me to understand my ex a little bit more and also has me wishing he had seen and read your blog before everything blew up in both our faces. Maybe he would have done some stuff differently and would still have his family.
Take care and I'll keep reading and catch up!