When I was in second grade the elementary school was going to bury a time capsule. All the kids in the school were to put a drawing of some sort in. The capsule was to be buried and dug up in the year 2000. At the time I was 7 or 8. I did some math a determined I would be 32 when the this was dug up.
32? That is so freaking old. I could not comprehend how old 32 to was. How far away that seemed.
So now I am 41 and I wish I knew when I was 32 the things I know today.
I went with K and the kids to church today. We all sit together like a "normal" family until about half way through the service when K takes all the kid to "Children's Church" as part of her job. The young kids do activities while the older kids and the adults stay and listen to the sermon. It was OK, but I spent a lot of time thinking about the people in the church.
I feel very out of place there. Everyone is really nice and they have been warm and welcoming. They all love K and they love the work she is doing. They are nice to me too. They tell me "It's nice to see you." and such. Every time I talk to one of them I think to myself, "Would they still be so nice to me if they knew who I really am?" Would they reject me? I also worry how they will react to K. Or the kids. When I finally come out all the way, will they still like K as much? They might like her more, lamenting how the homosexual ruined her life. Will they tell my kids that their daddy is going to hell? What will happen if I show up there with my family after my sexual orientation becomes known. Will I get stares and behind the back whispers? I really don't care about that for me, but I do care about it for my kids, and K.
At the same time, I really like the family atmosphere of this church. I was raised Roman Catholic and the church was very large. People did not know each other and it always felt like something you do on Sunday, because God required it. We did not talk to anyone, we did not participate in activities, I did not feel a sense of community. This church community is nice and it feels like a large extended family. It is similar the the feeling I got from the Fraternity in college (without all the drunken beer parties).
When I finally do come out, I may have to find an accepting church where I can feel comfortable. There are some in the area only, including a Baptist church that was kicked out of the Southern Baptists Convention for not kicking out their gay members.
On the way home from church we decided we would take the kids out to lunch. While trying to figure out where to go, K mentioned that some of the church people were going to IKEA for lunch. Apparently they have a restaurant there that is good and cheap. When I mentioned that maybe we should try it out, K said that since were were going to have to furnish 2 places we might end up at IKEA a lot. I have never been into one of these stores, but I have heard they sell a lot of cheap furniture. I'm going to need that.
The point of that story is that she did not say it with anger. It's not that is was void of emotion, but it was not anger. I think that is a little progress. There are a lot of blogs I have read where the gay husband just has to leave. He simply cannot stay where he is one more minute. He leaves and deals with whatever the consequences are.
I have it in my head, for better or worse, I need K's permission to leave, I need her to be OK with it. As unrealistic as it sounds, I would like her help picking out the place where I will live and maybe even help decorating. I need to have her in my life. I cannot, not have her as a close and positive force in my life.
Today I may have gotten a little (a very little) movement in that direction.