Saturday, October 10, 2009

Fire. Cleansing or consuming?

Are my hopes and dreams being consumed by the fire?

Is the fire burning away facade that I have put to the world for the past 41 years so I can finally be myself?

One of these is true. I have also considered that both are true. It could be possible that some of those hopes and dreams were based on a false premise. Based on the premise that I even though I am attracted to men and have the feelings I have when I am with a man I love, I determined a long time ago I was not like the gay guys I saw around me. I desperately wanted to be normal, like everyone else.

I knew gay people were laughed at, at best, beat up or killed at worst. And they were all going to get AIDS. At the time I thought of it like any other bad behavior. No different than when I decided I was not going to smoke pot.

I knew I thought men were hot and sexy, but I wanted no part of the life the "gay lifestyle" so I determined I was just not going to be gay and I was going to live a normal life.

And I did for a long time.

Now I find myself standing in the fire trying to decide if my life is over or just beginning.

1 comment:

manxxman said...

Oh dear me...........I'm looking in a mirror with this blog. It's my life all over.....only you have worked it out sooner than I did. Also I made the same decision with pot, but for another reason.....I didn't trust that I could keep my mouth shut about being gay if I got high....therefore no pot for me.

Keep moving forward....