Is the fire burning away facade that I have put to the world for the past 41 years so I can finally be myself?
One of these is true. I have also considered that both are true. It could be possible that some of those hopes and dreams were based on a false premise. Based on the premise that I even though I am attracted to men and have the feelings I have when I am with a man I love, I determined a long time ago I was not like the gay guys I saw around me. I desperately wanted to be normal, like everyone else.
I knew gay people were laughed at, at best, beat up or killed at worst. And they were all going to get AIDS. At the time I thought of it like any other bad behavior. No different than when I decided I was not going to smoke pot.
I knew I thought men were hot and sexy, but I wanted no part of the life the "gay lifestyle" so I determined I was just not going to be gay and I was going to live a normal life.
And I did for a long time.
Now I find myself standing in the fire trying to decide if my life is over or just beginning.