Friday, October 9, 2009

I guess this is it.

So there was more talking with K last night.

We talked about the text she sent the other day. We talked about what would happen if I did not take action. She would not tell me, but she did say if I left the decision to her, I would not like the outcome and I would have no input in it.

I told her that I was tired of pretending. Pretending I am straight. Pretending I fit in at church and other places. Pretending I am normal. I am also tired of feeling isolated. All this pretending and K was starting to worry that I have never loved her and only pretended to for all these years. I have not pretended, and I still am not pretending. I do lover her. Very much, but right now I don't think that matters to her right now.

She is "irritated" with me. That is code for not quite angry, but a long way from happy.

When we talked about me moving out she indicated she would prefer I leave sooner rather than later. I was hoping to stick around at least until after New Years. She said no. I don't blame her.

I am hoping that she will let me still come to the house every day. I would like to come home after work, see the kids and maybe help with homework, have dinner, etc. She wondered if that would be confusing for the kids. Having me sleep elsewhere, but be at the house every day like everything is normal(ish). I see her point, but I do not want the kids to think I have abandoned them. I think it's important that they see that even thought their parents are not married, they still love them (the kids). I also want them to see that I continue to support her and she supports me. It might be too much to ask. It might not be realistic, but I really want to try.

I don't want the kids to think I have abandoned their mother. K stopped me right there.

"If it keeps you warm at night to believe that, go ahead. Make no mistake, you are absolutely abandoning me." Is she right? From a certain perspective, yes. 16 years ago I did vow to live with her as man and wife for life. I can't get around that. From that perspective she has me.

I also promised to take care of her. And I will continue to do just that. I will take care of her in every way I can. I will be there for her, which is why I may not find a real partner for myself. I will always feel like I need to take care of her and I will have a hard time telling her no on most anything. Especially if she remains best friends with me. If she turns hostile, then it might be easier, but I don't see her doing that. I just don't think that is who she is.

So now I have to find a place to live. Some place cheap. I am not looking forward to that. Even a little bit.

1 comment:

manxxman said...

Wow, this is a big one.....but I think I agree with K.

And a place of your own.....for your own life is the best thing you can do for both of you.

As for the long as they don't see you fighting or being constantly angry at each other, they will be fine. Confused, possibly, but that goes with the territory. They will survive.