Saturday, October 31, 2009

Storm Front Growing

There was no school yesterday (Friday) and K was home with the kids all day. I could tell she was stressed out because she was baking when I got home from work. She was making a pumpkin cake and an apple pie. It's not good for my waist line, but she is a really good baker.

After the kids went to bed we talked a lot. She was very angry. She talked about how I was the one who has changed. How she planned to hold to her wedding vows and I was breaking them by leaving.

Another problem she has is her family. I'm not going to go into the details, but they have never been supportive of her. Her parents and her sister talk a good game about how "family" is important to them but they are unreliable. Sometimes they don't even call back when she calls. She has told a few of her close friends about our situation and they are not really much help to her. Its so far outside their experience they don't know how to help her aside from "why don't you through the bum out?"

She feels like since she has no supportive friends and her family is not supportive (or at least not reliable) she will go through this whole thing alone. With no support. To make matters worse, my family is very supportive of me and I think they will be supportive of her too, but right now she wants something that's hers. All this together makes her feel very alone.

In the end, she came back to the idea that we cannot change the past and only move forward. That was a little progress.

The storm is intensifying, but seems to be moving out to sea.

I know that she is not in the right place yet, but I wish she could see me the way I see her. As her very best friend. I really want to be supportive to her, but the truth is I can't help her because she sees me as the husband who has rejected her. Not as the best friend that has finally found out who he really is. I think this is the major source of my guilt.

Right now, being gay sucks. If I thought there was a chance that any of that ex-gay crap was anything other than crap, I would try it. But all those programs do is teach you how to lie. Lie to yourself and lie to others like a potential spouse.

1 comment:

manxxman said...

Unfortunately K is going through an "angry" stage. It's not uncommon, but at the same time there is little or nothing you can actually do. Everything she is expressing is true but she will need to work through this on her own. You can't talk it out, you're the reason for the anger, but not really and she will pass through this also.

I'm sorry for the pain both you and K are experiencing.....I'd suggest you put the "best friend" thing on a back burner. It will happen in time. Just let her be's ok.