Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Glad You Found Yourself


That's what K told me last night. She said she was glad I found myself, but she added that it had a very high cost and hoped it was worth it.

I am paying a high cost, but I have only made a small down payment so far. I know that the really high payments are coming. When I finally move out. When I have to look the kids in the eye and tell them that I can't live there anymore. They have no idea any of this is coming and they will be shocked and confused. Probably devastated.

Since K and I don't fight, there have been no warning signs for them. From their perspective, this will be out of the blue.

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I have to find a way to re-build K's trust in me. About 18 or 20 months ago when I first realized I was falling in love with T, K overheard me talking to him and telling him, "I love you." Later she asked me if I told T that I love him and I lied and said no. There have been a few other things that I have not been completely honest about either.

I am a horrible liar and she now knows everything, but there is still a violation of her trust. For reasons I am not going to go into, she has serious trust issues. I worked very hard in the early years (yes, years not days) to earn her trust. Even thought I lied to her for what I thought at the time was a good reason, to spare her feelings from being hurt, it was still a lie. A betrayal.

The truth is I have been lying about who I am for the whole time I have known her. I have been lying to her and everyone I have ever met for past 40 years. I was even lying to myself for most of that time. This is not a new story. The blogoshpere is full of queers who "refused" to be gay. Like a lot of them, I did pretended to be straight, thinking that since I was normal in every other way, if I just act straight, I will become straight, like normal people. Add on top of that, a belief that being gay is just about having sex with other men. I did not realize until I met T what it is to be in love with a man. To feel emotional attachment for another man. A much more powerful pull than mere sex, and much, MUCH harder to ignore or pretend it's not there.

Because of this, she is not even sure that she will be able to continue to be my best friend, like I am hoping. Like before I will work hard to earn her trust back. I am gay and our relationship will never be the same, but I need to have her close in my life.

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I came down with a cold over the weekend I stopped at Wally-World for some drugs at lunch time today. I send K a text asking if she needed me to pick anything up for her. She texted back she was in the store (register #17). How cool!! I was there in 30 seconds just in time to put my drugs on the counter and get her to pay for them. (YIPPIE!!!) After we paid I walked her to her car. Then we had lunch together. It was a nice lunch, we talked mostly about the kids and school.

Then she pulled out furniture brochures. Apparently she had been doing some shopping during the morning. She had been looking at bedroom sets. It seems her intention is to give me the set we have now and she would buy a new set for herself. This is the first time she has talked about logistics of my moving. She did not seem angry, but was emphatic that she was not keeping our current furniture. I suppose from her perspective we bought that furniture for us (together) and if she was going to have to be on her own, this would be a fresh start. Or at least a symbol of one.

I guess I don't blame her.

2 comments:

manxxman said...

Hum.....trust issues, well of course she's going to have trust issues, you gave her every reason to have them. So did I, when I was married. This will only change once you move out and get your own place. Once you start living your own life those trust issues will go away. There will be no reason for her to doubt you and what your about, that is if you can from then on be honest with her.

She wants to trust you, but until you are living your own life and not the one you cobbled together with her it won't be there (the trust).

You're doing an amazing job of going forward. Keep up the good work.

Firnzy 86 said...
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