Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Causing Sadness and Destruction...

Until about last June I had been seeing a therapist. I stopped because I had it all worked out and things were just great. (yeah, right.) After my melt down last week I went back. I had another session today.

K knows I went back and last night she asked me if I had an appointment and I told her I did. We talked a little about what I will talk to her about. I told her (K) I was hoping she (the therapist) would help me think clearer.

I told K that the "gay thing" was not going to go away and asked how could we spend our lives together dealing with it forever. She told me that I already told her what I wanted. I didn't want to be married to her anymore. (don't remember saying that exactly, but guess that is where I am moving to)

When I asked her how she felt about that, she told that I was causing "sadness and destruction" and I should have thought about this 16 years ago. I was surprised about the first part, but the second part she had told me before. And while I don't really expect her to be joyful about the approaching end of our marriage, and I expected sadness (I feel it too) but I was surprised by "destruction". I suppose from her perspective it might look that way.

I also noticed that she said it very matter of factly. When I told her I did not like the being the bearer of sadness and destruction, she told me too bad. I was going to have to live with it and get over it. Again, I suppose she it right.

I thought about it a while before falling asleep. This morning I thought about it some more. It was probably her tone that gave me a little hope. She was not angry. Maybe we are coming to the realization (together) that our separation is the only way out of the limbo we have been living in for the past 18 months.

Until today, I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Now I see a little.


There is something else. T. I have been thinking about T a lot lately. I had come to the realization that we cannot be together now or in the future because of his relationship with his family. I have written about this before so I won't re-hash it today. Over the past several weeks I have been trying to create some space between T and I. I want to maintain his friendship, but I can't be his boyfriend.

The problem is, I am in love with him. I can't seem to get him out of my thoughts. What's more, he can't seem, to get me out of his. When we are together I am so comfortable. I am so at ease. Even if we only meet for an hour at lunch time, just seeing him smile at me, melts my heart.

I love K, deeply, strongly and, forever. When I am with T, in his arms I feel something completely different. It is difficult to explain in words, but I think some of you probably know what I am talking about.

If I love him and he loves me, I feel like I would be crazy to let him slip away. After all, with my youngest being only 5, I will have to spend a lot of time with my kids and supporting K, so maybe I will not be able to find another guy, who might demand more of my time than I can give. T is very supportive of my family and the time they need.

Something more to think about.


manxxman said...

You have gone over and over your relationship (or lack thereof) with T. If you can maintain a friendship that would probably be a good thing, but don't let him use you. Like having lunch and then being on the phone the entire time.....that's abuse.

Set some game rules, that if he can't accept.....will it defines what's not possible.

As for having a relationship while you have children......will you haven't had one so you don't know that it is possible......but it is. Is it easy, probably not, but it is possible and you need to start going forward in your life with the things which are possible for you.....not the impossible such as being married or having a b/f that needs to be invisable all the time.

Do what's possible and be content.

jim said...

Let's not go overboard. To be fair, being on the phone like that is out of character for him. I was just pissed about it that day and blogged about it. In any case, I doubt that really rises to the level of abuse. Inconsiderate, yes. Abusive, not even close.

Also I have to say that T has been honest and open with me from the beginning about his family situation. I when back and looked and he even mentioned it in his introductory e-mail to me. It my fault that I imagined a future for us that he had already told me was unlikely to happen. The fact that I do not like his decision is really more my problem than his.