Sunday, October 11, 2009

Not quite sorted out.

I built a campfire last night. We sent the kids upstairs to watch a movie and K and I sat outside. The night was cool, but not quite crisp and the fire felt good.

We talked about how we are going to get through this mess. And you thought we had it all worked out. Not quite I guess.

She said says she does not want to revisit the past and how it all happened, but she still feels fucked over. And I'm doing the fucking (and not in the way she wants me to). She does not doubt that I love her and that I have "tremendous feelings for" her, but I do not love her the way a husband should love his wife. I told her that was true.

Then she went on. "So either you never in love with me, or your feelings have shifted."

This is a problem question for me. I'm not sure what the answer is. On the one hand I dod not feel like my love for her has changed. I feel like the intensity of my feeling for her and just the same as the day we said "I do." On the other hand, while I have always had a physical desire for men, I have not always had the longing I have now for the love (physical and emotional) of a man. So have I always felt this way? Does it matter?

Yes. It matters because K feels that if I was never in love with her, it means (to her) that I have been lying to her all these years. For now she chooses to believe that there has been a shift.

She also brought up our wedding vows. This is a powerful tool for her. She knows I that I take my promises to her very seriously. I know for some people marriages are disposable. For all the talk of the sanctity of marriage straight people yabber about, there are a lot of divorces. If I was not gay, there is no doubt that K and I would be together until one of us died. We have been through a lot together, and if it was not for this, we could go through a lot more.

At this point I am almost beaten. Maybe my needs don't matter. Maybe the responsibilities I have and the commitments I have made (to both K and the kids) are more important than getting my needs met. I am pretty sure I can meet the needs of the kids. But what about K? Can I meet her needs? Of course the answer is, no. I have not been able to meet them for a long time.

At the end, I think we know we need to move on, but neither of us are very happy about it.

It just sucks.

Then last night I had a dream. My worst nightmare, actually. I don't remember everything, but K was no longer my friend. She was no longer talking to me. It was awful. If that happened in real life, I don't know what I would do.


manxxman said...

I went through the same thing you are going through now. I never wanted to let my wife know that I always knew I was gay. I didn't want to have to tell her that although I've always "loved" her I was never able to " in sexually" her the way I should have.

I've always felt some shame about this, but having said this there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done about that now. We have had a successful divorce. Are we still close, yes, but it's different now. I have my "life" to live and get on with and so does she. K will go through periods when she will feel resentful of's part of the baggage you will carry (until you finally decide to just let it go.....which takes a bit of time). Start choosing your own priorities. The kids can be number one here.....and why not. K can have a position here also, but it needs to start becoming different. She will, at some point no longer be your wife, ouch that hurts to say......but you will get on and when you do it will be a great relief.

Sorry I got so wordy.

P.S. I've wanted to email you but don't have an address.

jim said...

Drop a note any time.

Will said...

Jim, I pulled two lines out of a previous post:

"Pretending to be normal"
You ARE normal. It is normal to be straight and it is normal to be gay, depending on who you are. You should never forget that there is nothing "wrong" with you, nothing "defective." Gay is a perfectly natural, if minority, state.

"I will be there for her, which is why I may not find a real partner for myself."
You can "be there" for her and still not rule out the possibility of a man in your life. In fact, you may be able to be a resource for her (and most certainly for your children) more effectively if you're secure in the love of a good man. I always quote what they say on airplanes when they discuss the possibility of losing cabin pressure and the oxygen masks coming down: put your own mask on first and then you will be able to take care of anyone else who needs help.