You know how people who have anorexia have a distorted body image? They always think they are fat no matter how skinny they are in reality? I have as distorted body image too, but in the opposite direction. No matter how bald and fat I get, I alway think I look like this.
Come on, that was a little funny... right? Oh well. *sigh*
Anyway today was a very busy day at work. I work in the headquarters of a fortune 50 company. I am a line level manager with a couple of people that work for me. It appears over the past several months my job goal is to attend as many meetings as I possibly can. It feels like I am going for come sort of endurance record and I'm having a hard time finding time to do any of things thing I talk about doing in these meetings I go to.
To make matters worse I have not been sleeping that well lately. I wake often in the night and sometimes have a hard time getting back to sleep. Part of it is work related (I bring a lot of work home lately). Part is my situation with K. K and I exchange text messages a lot during the day. I told her I was running to back to back meetings and was unsure how long I could keep up this pace. She suggest if I slept better I might be able to better deal with it. She went on to say if I would make a decision about what it is I want, I might sleep better too.
I told her I did not see how "sadness and destruction" was going to help me sleep. I even told her about the suggestions I have gotten here that the sadness and destruction is a short term thing that will eventually lead to long term contentment.
She suggested that maybe I was not sleeping because I feel "fear, guilt and anticipation of that my life will be life when the dust settles". The most important thing is to determine that I really want. Once I figure that out, it will be easier to figure out how to get there.
She really is the smartest person I know.
I am starting to think that she knows what I want, and she is just waiting for me to figure it out for myself. I don't know what life will be like after the dust settles. I know I don't want to deal with whatever causes the dust to need settling, but in my heart I know that I need to. I know that it is the only way that I will find anything other than the torment I feel today. I have to face it. I have to get through it and hope that happiness is on the other side.
What do i want?
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to take care of my family.
I want to feel like I belong.
I want to not feel selfish.
I want my kids to look up to me.
I want to love and be loved.
I want K to continue to love me the way I love her.
I want to stop pretending to be normal.
Is this too much to ask?