Saturday, June 4, 2011

Are the Kids All Right?? Bad Faggot Daddy.



Today was a rough day.


Last week when K's parents here, she took them to look at some of the houses that her and AJ were looking at.  She brought my daughter (who is almost 7) along with them.  As K was showing them all the rooms, my daughter asked a question.  "Where is daddy's room?"  K told her that I was going to stay in the house we live in now.  I think she accepted that answer with not too my fuss.


Today was different.


When I got home from work, I found my daughter playing a game on the xbox, which is not unusual.  I found K making a cake (AJ's birthday today) and she was upset.  Apparently my daughter had a meltdown this afternoon because she was upset that I was not going to be moving with them to the the new house.  By the time I get there it was over, but K said she was sobbing uncontrollably for a while.


None of the kids have mentioned to me that they have concerns.  In fact I have pretty much been pretending that everything is normal.  It's not.  They have, however, been talking to K.  And she feels like she has been answering their questions all my herself.  She also feels that because we have not told the kids I am gay, that she is forced to explain what is happening without being able to tell the one that that might make sense out of all this.


Now, K is sometimes prone to exaggeration.  She sometimes will make something bad seem much worse than it really is so I sometimes take things like this with a grain of salt.


Tonight as I was tucking my daughter into bed, I talked to her.  I did not tell her I am gay, but I did talk to her about them moving to a new house and me staying behind.  Her eyes started to well up.  As I talked, she started to cry more and more. 


Me:  I will not be far away.
Her: But I won't be able to walk here from there.
Me:  Well, no, but I will see you nearly every day.  I will be there to play or help you with your homework.  I will come for dinner most nights after work.  And sometimes you will come here and stay with me.
Me:  I will be OK.  I promise.
Her: What if it's not OK?
Me:  It will be OK.  I promise and mommy promises too.  We will make it OK.
Her: What if you stop coming?
Me: That's not going to happen.  I will always her there for you.
Her:  Not when you get old and die...


I have to admit, I did not see that last one coming.  I managed to calm her down enough for her to fall asleep, but I sure did not feel very good about myself.  This is another cost of coming out of the closet.  I am arguable closer to my daughter that the other kids.  I try not to play favorites, but if I had to pick one, she would be it.  So to see my precious little girl sobbing and telling me that she does not want me to live somewhere else, was just breaking my heart.


I was not quite ready for this and I have to say I felt like a bad faggot daddy.


The next several months as K and AJ finalize their plans to move and then move, will be very difficult for me.  I am not looking forward it at all.


And on top of all this, I have to tell them I am gay.  We are planning a trip in August.  Just me and the kids to Maine to go camping.  When it's all done, I will spend something like 2500 miles in the minivan with 4 kids.  We are all looking forward to the trip.  When talking to my mom about the preparations for the trip she told me that I have to tell the kids before we go up.  I have lots of extended family in that part of the state and they all know I am gay.  There is a high likelihood that one of them will let something slip and that would not be the time to talk to the kids.  After the cat is out of the bag.


If my daughter's reaction to our separation is any indication, my coming out to them may not go as well as I was thinking it would.

5 comments:

T said...

Just be honest to the kids. They will continue to love you. You've been very closed to them, taking good care of them. They will not forget that. We, then, will invite them to dinner and the movies (a few days after that, of course). If they'll still be excited to go with me, then you'll be OK.

Paul said...

Aw, that is so sad and touching about your daughter. I know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but my daughter is for me too.

And I'm with T, your kids should take your being gay fine - probably the younger ones easiest of all. Mine were adults; although my daughter was fine, my son was not (partly because my wife was not either) and I haven't had contact with him for a year and a half.

But you have a great relationship with K, so everything should work out well. And you have a couple of months to do it. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

My 2 daughters were in high school and college when we divorced and my wife angrily told them about me (without telling me.)

It may be a little easier to tell younger children who have not yet thought about sexuality much. I suspect kids are mostly looking for who is the most stable.

As a side thought, I would be careful about promises. If the divorce becomes adversarial, visitation could be regulated by the court more than promises.

In my situation, I prayed a lot, and we all lived through it. I am possibly closer to the d's than my ex wife. And they both like the new partner.

TwoLives said...

I suggest that you prepare yourself for unexpected questions from your kids. They've already been asking K and now that your youngest knows what's happening, she will almost certainly tell the others. Your oldest may prove to be the biggest surprise. 14yo boys tend to stifle so much emotion that when it comes out - watch out. You might want to find out who has been asking K what so that when you answer, your answers will be similar to hers.

As you know, kids have fears all the time. You have to show them you're not afraid and that's the best reassurance you can provide.

Biki said...

Have you given any thought to having your daughter live with you? Since she is so tightly bonded to you, it might in the long run be the best thing.

Maybe you and K should look over the various choices of how this new life is going to look. You might need to give things a twist to make the kids as happy as possible. Because when you have kids they should be the ones to have the say in where they will live full time. I would ask the kids before K and AJ buy their new house. Its just possible that they will want to live with you fulltime, even after you come out to them.

Good luck, and remember, this is about them, not you, not K. So tell them you will love them forever. Think about what their fears, and worries could be when you tell them. If the older two have sex ed, they should be getting the scary STD talk, and they might fly right off to AIDS-land. So, be ready to tell them that you are clean, and why.

Have you thought about getting a book for your daughter? You could read her King and King. Its pitched to her level. Read her the book, and then explain to her that daddy is just like the King in the book.....

You might wanna call Pflag and see if they have any pamphlets and whatnot to help you phrase things the right way for the older ones.