Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Maybe It Is For Me After All

Like a lot of people, I often dream about things I will never have.  

I sometimes pick up a boating magazine in the book store.  I like to look at the pictures of the big motor yachts.   Of course, there is no way in hell I could ever afford one.  While it is fun to dream about, I long ago accepted the fact, I will never own a large motor yacht.  And probably not a small one either.  It's simply not for me.

I see ads on TV for fancy vacation destinations.  I would like to go there some day, but I really can't afford it.  With kids it becomes even more expensive and out of reach.  I have accepted that these fancy vacation destinations are simply not for me.

I would love to own a Jaguar or a Lamborghini.  Maybe even a Lexus.  But I can't afford them and even if I could, there are probably better places to spend my money than on fancy cars.  These things are simply not for me.

When I was younger I always wanted to let my hair grow long.  But either my parents or my bosses objected to it.  So even though I liked long hair and I wanted to grow it out.  I had to accept that long hair was simply not for me.

I have seen gay couples in my travels. Even if they are not holding hands you can tell they are a couple by how they interact with each other. I have read stories and blogs from gay couples who are living their lives as their hearts guide them to. Because I have made the decision that, even though I had strong attraction to men, I wan not going to be gay. (Remember I used to thing that being gay was all about the act of having sex with men.) So at that time I accepted the fact that even though I wanted to have a relationship with a man, it was not for me.

So the past few days I have been writing about the fantasies in my head.  These are some of the things I desire to have in my life.  I find myself thinking about it more and more.  I am thinking, maybe it IS for me.  Maybe I can have that life.  Maybe it is not too late for me.  Maybe I can follow my heart.  Maybe I can have the life that other gay men have.  To know the love of a man and to love that man in return.  To have a commitment and to experience life together.

Maybe it is for me.


Stay Tuned.

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