Peaceful

My shrink has been in California for more than a month, so I have not had a chance to meet with her in something like 6 weeks.  I met with her again today.


So I had to recap the past 6 weeks for her.


1.  T and I have broken up for real this time.  We had an public blog altercation, but we reached a place of equilibrium.  I am giving him the space he needs (and asked for)  and in time we will start over as friends.  While there is sadness in the break up, we both know it was the right thing to do.


2.  K is still not happy with her life, but we (her and I) are in a pretty good place.  We are becoming OK with our paths.  She is starting to think about dating and there is a guy she is interested in who also seems to be interested in her.  


3.  I met with the pastor last night and he told me that I need to be authentic to who I am.  In fact he told me that a bunch of times.  When we talked about religious people being hostile to gay people, he said something surprising.  "God made you the way you are.  It's arrogant to say that God made a mistake.  I'm not going to say God made a mistake."  That was a huge comfort to me.


4. I am being drawn and connected to Internet Guy.  Every time we talk there is a new connection. There is either a new thing that we have in common, or there is a new thing where we are different compliment each other.  In addition to being intrigued by him, he is drawing me out of my comfort zone.  I said the other day, that I flying to visit anyone for a weekend is way outside how my personality usually works.


As someone who craves stability and loathes change, I would expect of anxiety about flying away to to meet someone for the first time.  But, I don't feel that.  There is no stress in my head.  I feel very comfortable, as I start looking for flights.


5.  If all that was not enough, I have lost 25 pounds.


Today I am feeling a peace in my head that I have not felt in a long time.  I actually walked to to my shrinks office this afternoon.  From my office it is about a mile and a half each way.  It was cool, but not so cool I needed a jacket.  It was nice.  The sky was mostly clear, with only big puffy clouds.  Birds were singing and I felt good.


At the end of the hour, I told the shrink that I did not want to make another appointment.  I think I am in the place in my head where I can see where I need to go.  My path is much clearer now.  I have stopped running around the tree.


The most striking thing is, that for the first time in a long time, more than 2 years, I am starting to believe that things in my life are going to be OK.  


I am going to be who I am.  


I am going to be authentic.  


I am going to figure out who I am.


I am going to stop hiding my true self.


I am going to find my partner.


I am going to be happy ... and gay.