Saturday, March 20, 2010


There is a stillness in my life now.

Much of the swirl in my head is gone.  Not all, but enough that I have taken note of the relative calm.

I have accepted who I am and, for now, what direction my life must take.  I still have some stress about how my direction will effect the ones I love around me, but I am not constantly worrying like I was before.

K has ups and downs.  I'm starting to feel she will be OK.  She is having highs and lows, and I am supporting her as much as I can.  I think she is reaching a point where she is afraid she will be alone.

At the end of today, T will have been silent for 7 days.  I have see him online, but I have not reached out to him and he has not reached out to me.  I am sorry that this has turned out the way it has.  I wish we could have remained friends.  Maybe someday down the road.

I was debating sending him sort of a goodbye e-mail, to let him know the door of friendship would always be open to him, no matter how long he is angry.  But I have not done it, yet.  I talked about it with Mr. Emerging Identity, and he thinks I should not bother.  He thinks it will not help and it really is his (T's) problem anyway.  I am still thinking about and may still do it.  On the other hand, the longer he remains silent, the more the desire to reach out to him.

I have been talking a LOT to Internet Guy.  It has been just about a month since i have been talking to him seriously and every day I wish he was closer to me.  I am wonder if taking to him more has been a catalyst for the calmness I have been feeling.  I think he is.  

We have talked a lot, about everything.  I know it's not good to compare people, but Internet Guy and I have talked more in the past month than T and I talked in the past 2 years.  And it's not just the quantity of the conversation, it's the quality.  In addition to covering a lot of topics, we are really connecting, even thought we have never met.  Each time we talk about something new, it turns out we either share it in common or we agree about it.  Maybe not everything, but probably 90% of the topics.

It is clear he is having an effect on me.  Even K has noticed.  I sometimes relay some of the contents of my conversations with IG.  The other day she asked me, if he was closer would I pursue a relationship with him.  "In a second." was my reply.  Yesterday she asks me if IG knew I felt that way.  IG and I have talked about it and I told her that too.  She had no additional comment.  I don't know how she feels about but I decided not to press her on it.

For the moment, I am going to enjoy my new found calm and take pleasure in getting to know IG.  Who knows what could happen?


TwoLives said...

I completely disagree with Emerging Identity.

Reaching out to T is likely a win-win for you. Here's why:

Suppose you send him a message and he does not respond. Now reestablishing the friendship is 100% up to him. Your conscience is clear, you've done your best.

Suppose you send him a message and he does respond. In that worse case scenario he comes back at you with criticisms and anger. Again, at least your conscience is clear. You tried.

The key is what you say to him. If you are humble, kind and not judgemental you cannot be faulted. If you are in any way antagonistic you risk forfeiting the moral high ground.

More than anything I think you should do it to be the better person. It's the right thing to do, to send someone you care about a kind note, even when they've been mean to you.

Anonymous said...

Or, you can simply take T at his word and allow him the space he apparently needs.

It is a matter of respect for a man and his word. To press the issue further would be to tred on his boundaries that he has set; those boundaries being "goodbye." I would caution against giving the message that he is not to be respected in this matter. And if it is simply manipulation to bring you back....Do you really want a relationship based on that?

This sets you up in a faux morally superior position. Let him have his space and dont try to fix it; when he is ready he will make the move... and if he never makes the move then it is still his journey and his decision. Let him learn his lessons from life that he chooses.

If it were another situation... maybe... but this is a situation where they have discussed what both are capable of providing... and agreed that T was not in the position to provide that. The situation has been discussed and both are at an impasse. And now T is upset at the results? And his response is to cut off all contact? Where is the respect for Conflicting Clarity?

emerging identity

T said...

J. This is T. I read all the emails you sent me and found thig blog. You gave me the name of this blog before, but I didn't remember. I'm so disappointed that you could not represent me in an honest way and let these people who knew nothing about me bash me like this. READ my blog and tell me if what I said in there is wrong:
The one thing that we talked a lot had been the stages of griefing. I told you I was in the anger stage and did not want to be hurtful to you, so I had to move on. You had to bash me just like anyone else. How have I been to you over the past two years, J?

Chris said...

Talk about "taking it to the streets". I haven't seen fireworks like this since ... well never. Nothing like hurt and anger to get people writing. But I'm not sure what this all means, finger pointing after the fact?

All this sounds like wasted energy! Live, learn, forgot and move on.