Saturday, May 21, 2011

Back in the Sunlight

I need to see the sun from time to time.  If I don't, I get cranky.  If we have severals overcast days in a row, it has a observable effect on my mood.  I think not seeing T on a regular basis has the same effect.  When both of those things happen at the same time, there is a lot of bad ju ju.

Yesterday, the sun came out and I got to see T.  I felt like I was coming out of a fog.  Everything about the day was better.

The other day I wrote about the price I was having to pay.  The cost being authentic, of being myself.  The cost of leaving my safe and secure marriage to find my own place in the world.  The place where I truly belong, as opposed to the place I picked while I was pretending to be someone else.

But the truth is, while there are some bad days mixed in with my good days, they are mostly good days.  Even when I was feeling sad and lonely I knew that I was not going back into the closet and pretend to be someone I'm not. 

There was not one time in the past few days that I wished I had stayed in the closet.  There was not one time when I wished that K and I were working on "reconciliation"  

I am still convinced I am on the right path.  She is too.

I am gay.  She is straight.  I did not leave the marriage to selfishly pursue some homo paradise.  We left the marriage because a gay man (this gay man anyway) was not "in love" with a straight woman the way a straight man can.  Because I love her so much, I want her to have the love that she deserves and needs.  What's more, because she was not getting it from me she too was miserable.

Now, in T, I have found the love that eluded me for so long.

Now, in AJ, she has found the love she thought she had in me, but was actually missing for so long

While the transition has been difficult, and there are still some stressful days, I am on the right path.   Now that the sun is out and I have had some time in the arms of my man, I am feeling a lot better.


JC said...

peace can be so satifying, well done

T said...

I've got la la la la