Monday, May 23, 2011

New Beginning?

Now that I know I will be on my own, I have been giving some thought to what that will look like. So far, I am not thrilled with what I see.

K and I talked some last night about it right after I out my daughter to bed. Almost every day of her life I have tucked her into bed and gotten my hugs and kisses. "Good night, Bean" I tell her every night as I close her door.

Every morning before I leave. For work I open her door. "Good morning, Bean" I shout into her room. Sometimes I get sleepy moaning from under her covers. If I am lucky, I get a sunny, "Good morning, Daddy"

My sons are older and I no longer have this type of ritual with them, but I did when they were younger. I will miss that a lot.

Now the current proposal, calls for me to live in the house I have now, but I would have unrestricted access to K & AJ's house (when they buy one) as long as my kids are there. They have even offered to let me be there for dinner with the kids every night. A generous offer I think.

I think it is a good balance. It will reassure me and the kids that we will have the minimum separation possible and it will allow both K and I our own space to let our new situations develop. She will have a home that is just hers. I will spend as much time as I want (or the kids want) together with the kids while still having the space to develop my own life.

Is this a good compromise? Will AJ be OK with me there a lot? Do I give a shit if AJ is ok? Is this the new beginning I have been waiting for? I am so used to being part of a unit, how will I be able to make the transition from partner to lone ranger?

Stay tuned, I guess.


Anonymous said...

Dear friend,
I've read your blog for a long time now and I know how hard this has been for you --the understanding of who you are, what you are becoming, and what this means for the dynamic of your family.
Your description of how the two households will operate is a very fair one, I think. Over time, I'm fairly certain that you will spend less and less time with the family and more and more time at your home. I hope you keep the connections to the kids, but as time goes on they will need to bond with A.J., don't you think?
You will be building a relationship with others, too. A little respect, a little privacy, a lot of sharing, and the time will come when everyone thinks about this positively.
I'm very glad that you have been able to share this with me and your other readers. Good luck and God bless.
Brother Bear

jim said...

Thanks Brother Bear. I appreciate your comment, but if I am honest, I really have no interest in whether AJ "bonds" with my kids of not. I think it is important that they all get along, but bond?

I do, on the other hand, want to allow the space for K and AJ to bond.

Biki said...

Have you given any thought to selling the house, and buying a duplex or side by side condos? that way the kids would have full access to both you and K? And yet, you and K would have your personal space and plenty of privacy.

After the kids grow up, then both of you could move away from each other. but it would be a great plan for now, when you both want to be in their lives as much as possible.

T said...

I think you should have your kids stay half time with K and half time with you. That way, you'll give space to K and AJ as well as give yourself time to explore the new chapter of your life, while maintaining a closed relationship with your kids without feeling a sense of loss. You know I'm always right!

jim said...

NO. I do not want the kids to be bouncing back and forth. While that might be good for me, I think it is bad for them.

T said...

Why don't you ask the kids what they want? You've been the one that take care of them the most. Don't you think they'd want to be with you, too? As long as you two take good care of them and are nice to each other, they won't feel like ping pong balls.

Anonymous said...

T's right.

RB said...

You need to have a little distance between you and K/ at least 500 feet. Maybe K agrees to something now, but who knows how "KJ" will feel about it in a year. Chances are KJ won't want you around as much. Having some distance is the best thing.

Having the kids go a week with you and a week with her sounds good in theory, but the reality is they would be living out of a suitcase and that is bad. If you were living close by then you will see the kids more.