Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Price

"There is a price for everything."  That's what K told me a long time ago.  What she meant was that if I decide to leave my marriage, there is a cost for that.  There was a cost for staying too.

This week I feel like I am paying some of that cost.  

I have done really 2 things this week.  Work and take care of the kids by myself.  I guess I am not cut out to be a single parent.   

Tonight AJ is back and after working, K will be going to spend the night with him.  Because of her work she would be back too late for me to go anywhere, so she might as well go stay with him tonight.  Why should both of us be lonely and miserable.

I have not seen T since Saturday, and then it was only for a couple of hours.  I miss him very much.

I wish he could have come to see me this week, but I know he has a lot of stuff going on.  There is also the matter of my kids.  It is not like we could snuggle on the couch at my house, since I am not out to my kids.  Even if I was, chasing them around is not really a lead in for romance.

I feel lonely and I don't see a way to fix it right now.  It's easy for me to say that I am lonely because T is too busy and wrapped up in his family that he can;t make time for me.  While that is partly true, it is not really his fault.  

Thinking about my schedule this past week, what would I have said if he was more demanding on my time?  What if he asked me to go out?  What if he wanted to come over? What if he wanted some alone time?

Well, he could have come over (which would not have been very fun), but other than that, I would have had to tell him I could not go.  If I take a long (and realistic) look at it, I want him to be more available to me, but I am not any more available than he is.  In fact, I might be less available than he is.  He really is perfect for me.

But I am still lonely.  I still feel isolated.  I still feel sad.

Even if I had a lot of friends, when would I see them.  When would we hang out?

I'm having a hard time finding a way to fix my problem.  A hard time seeing a way out.

Maybe this is the price K was talking about.

1 comment:

Biki said...

Find a good babysitter, one that you can trust, and use them with regularity. Even if T only has time for supper, or a an hour here or there, it's worth it not to feel so very alone. I'm not talking every night, but twice a week isnt all that much. And I would imagine that after your daughters bedtime could be a nice time to spend a few hours with T, or with friends. You would still be there for the fun bits of bath and tucking in. And really after she's asleep, her needs and those of the older ones really decrease, as they are most likely holed up in their rooms, doing what teenagers do.

Give it a thought. There is a point of being a great dad, like you are, and of being a slave to them, which you are approaching. Since you are left almost full time with the kids, you NEED an out, you need some grown up time.