"There is a price for everything." That's what K told me a long time ago. What she meant was that if I decide to leave my marriage, there is a cost for that. There was a cost for staying too.
This week I feel like I am paying some of that cost.
I have done really 2 things this week. Work and take care of the kids by myself. I guess I am not cut out to be a single parent.
Tonight AJ is back and after working, K will be going to spend the night with him. Because of her work she would be back too late for me to go anywhere, so she might as well go stay with him tonight. Why should both of us be lonely and miserable.
I have not seen T since Saturday, and then it was only for a couple of hours. I miss him very much.
I wish he could have come to see me this week, but I know he has a lot of stuff going on. There is also the matter of my kids. It is not like we could snuggle on the couch at my house, since I am not out to my kids. Even if I was, chasing them around is not really a lead in for romance.
I feel lonely and I don't see a way to fix it right now. It's easy for me to say that I am lonely because T is too busy and wrapped up in his family that he can;t make time for me. While that is partly true, it is not really his fault.
Thinking about my schedule this past week, what would I have said if he was more demanding on my time? What if he asked me to go out? What if he wanted to come over? What if he wanted some alone time?
Well, he could have come over (which would not have been very fun), but other than that, I would have had to tell him I could not go. If I take a long (and realistic) look at it, I want him to be more available to me, but I am not any more available than he is. In fact, I might be less available than he is. He really is perfect for me.
But I am still lonely. I still feel isolated. I still feel sad.
Even if I had a lot of friends, when would I see them. When would we hang out?
I'm having a hard time finding a way to fix my problem. A hard time seeing a way out.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
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