Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Beginning of the End

Today, I did it.

Today, I made the call to start the beginning of the end.

Today, I called a lawyer about filing divorce papers.

I know what some if you are thinking:

"What? You have not done that already?"

"What the hell took you so long?"

"I thought you were already divorced?"

The truth is, while it was long over due, I have been putting it off for a long time. It is something that is really just a formality at this point, but I am a little stressed out by it anyway. I guess it represents the final point of no return on my old life. It is the final separation of 2 people who have been together through all kinds of stuff for almost 20 years.

 On one level it is a final reminder of a huge failure in my life that I am still recovering from. Yet, on another level, it represents a freedom and a new future. Who knows what is in store for me?

 I know to some, that thought is exhilarating. The wide open possibilities of the world. The openness of life and the ability to take control of ones own destiny.

 To me it is terrifying. I need stability. The thought of being truly on my own is just terrifying. Even though I was unhappy in the closet, there was a comforting stability of being in there. I knew that as long as I was there, K would be there for me. I knew none of my friends would abandon me. In fact I was pretty happy just tagging on with K's friends. (As a side note: It must be just like the comforting stability that keeps T's sister in her closet)

 I am trying to stay calm about this. It's not easy.


Anonymous said...

What's that stupid saying about a journey of 1000 miles beginning with one step. But it's true. You'll make it. I wish I had your courage.

TwoLives said...

I fully empathize with how you're feeling. It's tough, really tough.

To get through this, you have to focus on the positive. Think about how extraordinarily well your situation has turned out. You two have done better than just about anyone, including MANY straight couples!!

This statement is all wrong: "it is a final reminder of a huge failure in my life that I am still recovering from." Your marriage was not a failure. You and K have a great relationship. It's so good that you showed each other enough love and respect that you were were able to transition to better places, all without causing any chaos for the kids. You have many, many things to be proud of and your marriage IS DEFINITELY one of them.

Filing for divorce so that K can go to school is another example of the love and respect you have for one another. She has been a fantastic pillar of support for you. Now it's your turn to do something difficult for her.

It's a bizarre way to phrase it, but you are filing for divorce because of how much you love K.

T said...

I think you should go back to work, Jim.

Me? Well, I'm the boss. I can do whatever I want...


Anonymous said...

I did this in the 3rd week of January 2004. As a active pastor in a good church.

Scared? tremendously.

7 years later. I'm alive and happy and life beckons. (Except for my root canal today :)

My prayer for you is for grace and guidance. Ron

Buddy Bear said...

Congratulations! Another important step forward.