Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Coming Out of Denial

I slept like crap last night.  I was cranky  when I finally went to bed and sleeping on a new bed is always bad.  I used to travel a lot for my work, and I would never sleep well the first night or two in a hotel.  I guess sleeping on this bed is a lot like being in a hotel.

But I did wake up with a new attitude.  I felt better.  Partly because when I woke up I could see that my youngest son was acting normally and getting ready for school as usual.

The I was thinking about 2 things K said last night.  One thing made me realize that even thought I identify as a gay man and have fallen in love with a man, I still live a very straight (and safe) life.  I go out with T and when we are together I am comfortable with him and being in love with him.  Then I come home to K and the kids, climb into bed with her and go to sleep in my straight life.  

As changed to my relationship with K happens it is becoming more and more difficult to be in denial about my changing life.  About what it will really be like to be divorced from K and living openly as gay.

Moving out of my room and into my own bed is one of those things that is making denial harder.  I think I realized that last night, subconsciously anyway.  After sleeping on it, I think that is exactly what it is.  Now that I can put a name to this, I am not so scared of it.

The other thing K mentioned was that if she did not still care for me, I would not be moving to a room downstairs.  I would collecting my belongings from a smoldering pile in the front yard of my house.

I guess, I'm pretty lucky.

1 comment:

LivingFiction said...

Glad things are better since you "slept on it" - albeit on a bumpy bed!

Lucky, indeed!