Living Vicariously Through the Blogosphere

For most of my life I was living a lie.  I was pretending to be a straight guy when I was just a big queer.  Looking back now, I wonder how I was able to keep myself fooled for so long.  


From the first day I had a hard drive, I have had pictures of nude men on it.  Hidden away in an obscure sub-folder where no one would look. I knew where it was.  You would think that would be a clue to myself that I was not straight.  I don't remember what I told myself.  Maybe I assumed that all straight guys likes looking at naked men.  (Sounds kind of silly now.)


I used to discreetly seek out anything day.  I would watch shows with gay characters.  News stories about gay anything.   I found web sites that publish gay fiction stories.  I read blogs written my gay men.  I did not just read the blogs by married guys.  I also read blogs by young gay guys who were sure of who the are.


I read the blogs of young gay men (and some old gay men) not for any creepy reason, but because I was pretending to live their world.  When I would get an especially strong yearning for a man, I would read some stuff, look at some porn and before you know it I was feeling better.


The funny thing was, the same things that, for a while, calmed my "urges" would also lead me out of the darkness of the lie and out into the open.  I am not completely open, but I am out of the closet. Out of the bathroom and even out of the bedroom.  I am getting ready to step out onto the front porch and into the sun light.


I am done living the lie.  I am done living my real life through others.  Now, I am starting to live for real.  It is starting to feel good.