For most of my life I was living a lie. I was pretending to be a straight guy when I was just a big queer. Looking back now, I wonder how I was able to keep myself fooled for so long.
From the first day I had a hard drive, I have had pictures of nude men on it. Hidden away in an obscure sub-folder where no one would look. I knew where it was. You would think that would be a clue to myself that I was not straight. I don't remember what I told myself. Maybe I assumed that all straight guys likes looking at naked men. (Sounds kind of silly now.)
I used to discreetly seek out anything day. I would watch shows with gay characters. News stories about gay anything. I found web sites that publish gay fiction stories. I read blogs written my gay men. I did not just read the blogs by married guys. I also read blogs by young gay guys who were sure of who the are.
I read the blogs of young gay men (and some old gay men) not for any creepy reason, but because I was pretending to live their world. When I would get an especially strong yearning for a man, I would read some stuff, look at some porn and before you know it I was feeling better.
The funny thing was, the same things that, for a while, calmed my "urges" would also lead me out of the darkness of the lie and out into the open. I am not completely open, but I am out of the closet. Out of the bathroom and even out of the bedroom. I am getting ready to step out onto the front porch and into the sun light.
I am done living the lie. I am done living my real life through others. Now, I am starting to live for real. It is starting to feel good.
14 hours ago