Friday, May 7, 2010

Living Vicariously Through the Blogosphere

For most of my life I was living a lie.  I was pretending to be a straight guy when I was just a big queer.  Looking back now, I wonder how I was able to keep myself fooled for so long.  

From the first day I had a hard drive, I have had pictures of nude men on it.  Hidden away in an obscure sub-folder where no one would look. I knew where it was.  You would think that would be a clue to myself that I was not straight.  I don't remember what I told myself.  Maybe I assumed that all straight guys likes looking at naked men.  (Sounds kind of silly now.)

I used to discreetly seek out anything day.  I would watch shows with gay characters.  News stories about gay anything.   I found web sites that publish gay fiction stories.  I read blogs written my gay men.  I did not just read the blogs by married guys.  I also read blogs by young gay guys who were sure of who the are.

I read the blogs of young gay men (and some old gay men) not for any creepy reason, but because I was pretending to live their world.  When I would get an especially strong yearning for a man, I would read some stuff, look at some porn and before you know it I was feeling better.

The funny thing was, the same things that, for a while, calmed my "urges" would also lead me out of the darkness of the lie and out into the open.  I am not completely open, but I am out of the closet. Out of the bathroom and even out of the bedroom.  I am getting ready to step out onto the front porch and into the sun light.

I am done living the lie.  I am done living my real life through others.  Now, I am starting to live for real.  It is starting to feel good.


lazybythelake said...

rock on! i really need to do the same ('live for real') in my own way.

LivingFiction said...

I hear ya, Jim! I did/do those things as well. I'm not where you are ... yet ... but hope to in some begin living more authentically in the near future.

Journey on!

Cubby said...

Coming out is incremental. No need to rush, unless you want. We'll be here waiting for you when you are ready.

I used to believe that all men were gay and that most men only pretended to be straight because society demanded it. Those 5-10% of us who refused to pretend to be straight were superior to the others. It wasn't until I was well into my 20s that I realized that most men really are sexually attracted to women even though the thought is revolting to me.