Sunday, May 2, 2010

New Beginnings?

I am back to normal at my house.  Well, normal for me anyway.

I have been thinking about my trip last weekend.   I did not make a love connection, but I have a new and stronger friendship, than I had before.  I am grateful for that.  It is true that sometimes these connections build over time.  If IG lived closer to me, we might be able to forge that connection over time, but being so far away, I don't think it can happen.

Of course there is another consideration.

I realized that I am still in love with T.  The separation we have had over the past couple of months has done nothing to diminish my feelings for him.  This trip reminded me about my feeling and now I have to deal with them.

Now I have to consider what to do with those feelings.  I am not really sure.  

I have talked to T and he, correctly, thinks I need to take some time and really think about my feelings.  I do.  In the past I have had feelings about certain things.  I then mixed those feelings with some reason and added a healthy dash of fear.  Take all that and bake it in a 350 degree oven of self doubt and you have the mess I find myself in today.

He is right, I do need to take some time, but what about this:  He is talking to me.  This is a big fucking deal.  After all the crap I put him through he could have told me to go screw off.  He didn't.  He could have told me, "I told you so."  he didn't.  He only wants me to be sure I of my feelings.  He wants me to take time.  No one else would be like that.  It shows that he loves me.  I shows he still cares about me.  That is the kind of love that signs are written about.

Of course his living situation has not changed.  He will not be able to be a partner that sleeps with me every night.  Do I really need that?  Is it the most important thing?  Maybe not.  Maybe having a man that love me and I can love in return is more important.

Maybe I need to accept that I will not find everything I want in a man and look for a man who has most of what I want.  A man who has the most important things I want.  Maybe that love, that spark, that magic, is the most important thing.  Maybe it has been right here all along.

Something more to think about.


manxxman said...

Maybe.......just maybe. Only time will tell.

Traveler said...

It was wonderful having you out here...the first real vacation I have had in quite a few years, and I wouldnt change a thing. We had to meet, had to know; we are both to old (lol) to play the coy game...anyway I have a good friend, and the magic for me.... with BF... what can I say? We make a great pair.... anyway in a few weeks my blog will be back on... giving the ex time to cool off...
Thanks for the memories, the relaxing vacation, and just being honest!

Jeff said...

Fear can be a disabling emotion. Time to make some tough decisions regarding both your and K's futures so you both can get on with your lives. Nice to hear that there might be hope for more with T.