Saturday, May 8, 2010

Straight Pill

I am gay.

I am gay.

I am gay.

I never wanted to be gay.

I still don't want to be gay.

I accept that I am gay.

I am gay.

I was having a conversation with Emerging Identity the other day and he told me that though his coming out process was difficult (like it is for everyone) he is in a place where he is happy to be gay.  I does not think that he would want to be straight.

I told him point blank, "You are a moron."

I have accepted that I am gay.  I know there is nothing that will change that.  I did not choose it, it was assigned to me.  I have to live with it honestly and openly.  I have to be who I am in order to be happy.

That said, if there the FDA approved a "straight pill" or there was a therapy that actually worked.  I would stop writing this ridiculous blog and get in line at the straight clinic.  Once I took the pill I would come back to K and, if she was available and show the passion of a straight man that loves her like I do.

Who the hell would not want to be "normal".  Yes, I know, being gay is normal for me, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if I was normal like everyone else.

Does being gay define who I am?  Yes, in many ways it does.  Do I dwell on the fact that I cannot be straight even though I want to be?  Not any more.  I know that I am who I am and that's ok.

There is a long way between accepting something and preferring something.  On NPR several weeks ago, I heard a commentary from a man with a genetic and degenerative illness that left him without the use of his arms and legs.  He has never walked and needs almost constant assistance for even the most basic functions.  He said he did not support efforts to find a cure for his illness and if they found one, he would not use it.  I think that is CRAZY.  Again, accepting the had you a dealt without regret or pre-occupation with "what if..." is a good thing.  But that is not the same as preferring to be that way.  If you can fix it, why would you not?

I accept that my eyes are not as good as they used to be.  But because I prefer to read myself as opposed to relying on others to read for me, I wear glasses.

Yes, I know.  "The Gay" is not an illness.  Yes, people who are gay should be accepted like everyone else.  If they were I might not feel that way, but the truth is, gay people are not accepted.  It is hard for gay people in this world.  If I had a choice, I would not be gay.

That said, I am gay.  I cannot simply pretend to be straight and I am not doing that anymore.  I am going to be honest about who I am.  I am going to embrace who I am and I am going to follow my heart.  As much as I love K, I do not have the capacity to love her like a straight man does.  I love T that way.  

It is the love I share with T that will make having "The Gay" bearable.  When I am with him I feel "normal".  I feel like I am where I should be.  He makes my heart happy and my love for him is open, honest, and without reservation.  For a long time, my love for K was presented as straight romantic love.  For a long time, that's what I thought it was.  But I have learned it was a love with reservation.  "If only she was a man." or "If only I could stop thinking about men"

Tonight I am going to see T for the first time in a long time.  We are both very excited about it. I am really looking forward to it.  We have a lot to talk about to see where we want to know and the kind of relationship we want to have.


TwoLives said...

I hope all goes well with T and that each of you find happiness--- whether that be as friends, lovers or both.

There are places in this world where people look alike, act alike and think alike. There is a strong sense of belonging and community when everyone is so similar. Like-mindedness and homogeneity are not inherently bad things. But, all things considered, isn't variety better? Isn't it better that the man with the genetic illness has so much pride in himself and his uniqueness that he wouldn't ever want to change? It's men like him who teach us all to appreciate so many things, from his bravery to our own good fortune.

Being one of the billions of other straight men on the planet would certainly be easier in a lot of ways. But is easier better? Especially in the long run? Pop a pill, and sure, you can be like everyone else around you; you can be like every other identical worker ant in our little human colony. But don't you think differences are what make each of us special and unique?

Be proud of being uniquely you, no matter how imperfect you may be.

And I certainly wouldn't spend too many moments wishing about the impossible. It's always fun to fantasize, but if you spend too many hours in the day, or too many days in a year, wishing you were a different person, what constructive purpose does that serve? Forget about wishing things were different, instead focus on making things better for yourself and those you care about.

Ok, I'm stepping down from the soapbox. My apologies if I got carried away. It's only because I care.

And I'm not criticizing your point. I understand, even sympathize with the sentiment. I just think you should take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture. I don't want to an anonymous, homogeneous worker ant. Do you?

Tom (Thomas) Rimington said...

Ok... I totally understand your sentiment on "the Pill" thing. How many Black people, Asian people, Latin people, or Catholics, Jews, and Muslums have thought the same thing...

I agree with TwoLives, nothing is going to change who we are, so why dwell on it or wish that there may be in the future?

You know I say this with an understanding of your situation and with much admiration...


Java said...

Yes, that is where you are now. It's good to acknowledge that. Actually, you have come a long way to get here. You understand, at least in your head if not your heart, that you have to be true to your gay nature in order to be, as you say, happy.

It's a process. I know a lot of gay men who are glad they're gay, who wouldn't change even if they could. You may get to that point some day.

In thinking about my gay friends, the ones I know well, I wouldn't want them to be any other way than they are. Each of them is precious to me in his own way. Being gay is a part of who they are, but not the only thing that defines them. But it is an important part, and to change that would change some of the more beautiful things about them.

I want to encourage you to keep growing. Actually, now that you've come this far I doubt you could stop. It will come, this comfort with being who you are meant to be. I have faith in you.

manxxman said...

I totally agree with Java....."in thinking about my gay friends I wouldn't want them to be any other way".....echos my thoughts entirely.