I am gay.
I am gay.
I never wanted to be gay.
I still don't want to be gay.
I accept that I am gay.
I am gay.
I was having a conversation with Emerging Identity the other day and he told me that though his coming out process was difficult (like it is for everyone) he is in a place where he is happy to be gay. I does not think that he would want to be straight.
I told him point blank, "You are a moron."
I have accepted that I am gay. I know there is nothing that will change that. I did not choose it, it was assigned to me. I have to live with it honestly and openly. I have to be who I am in order to be happy.
That said, if there the FDA approved a "straight pill" or there was a therapy that actually worked. I would stop writing this ridiculous blog and get in line at the straight clinic. Once I took the pill I would come back to K and, if she was available and show the passion of a straight man that loves her like I do.
Who the hell would not want to be "normal". Yes, I know, being gay is normal for me, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if I was normal like everyone else.
Does being gay define who I am? Yes, in many ways it does. Do I dwell on the fact that I cannot be straight even though I want to be? Not any more. I know that I am who I am and that's ok.
There is a long way between accepting something and preferring something. On NPR several weeks ago, I heard a commentary from a man with a genetic and degenerative illness that left him without the use of his arms and legs. He has never walked and needs almost constant assistance for even the most basic functions. He said he did not support efforts to find a cure for his illness and if they found one, he would not use it. I think that is CRAZY. Again, accepting the had you a dealt without regret or pre-occupation with "what if..." is a good thing. But that is not the same as preferring to be that way. If you can fix it, why would you not?
I accept that my eyes are not as good as they used to be. But because I prefer to read myself as opposed to relying on others to read for me, I wear glasses.
Yes, I know. "The Gay" is not an illness. Yes, people who are gay should be accepted like everyone else. If they were I might not feel that way, but the truth is, gay people are not accepted. It is hard for gay people in this world. If I had a choice, I would not be gay.
That said, I am gay. I cannot simply pretend to be straight and I am not doing that anymore. I am going to be honest about who I am. I am going to embrace who I am and I am going to follow my heart. As much as I love K, I do not have the capacity to love her like a straight man does. I love T that way.
It is the love I share with T that will make having "The Gay" bearable. When I am with him I feel "normal". I feel like I am where I should be. He makes my heart happy and my love for him is open, honest, and without reservation. For a long time, my love for K was presented as straight romantic love. For a long time, that's what I thought it was. But I have learned it was a love with reservation. "If only she was a man." or "If only I could stop thinking about men"
Tonight I am going to see T for the first time in a long time. We are both very excited about it. I am really looking forward to it. We have a lot to talk about to see where we want to know and the kind of relationship we want to have.