Saturday, May 22, 2010

Companionship & Passion

Yesterday at the park, I was thinking about stuff, while following the kids around.

Yesterday was the first time in almost 20 years that I rode a roller coaster with out K in the seat next to me.  For a little while I was sad about that.  I missed her companion ship and how much more fun I would be having is she was there with me.

At the same time, I spent a lot of time thinking about T.  I was thinking how much more fun I would be having if he were there with me.  It occurred to me that these 2 thoughts did not really go together.  And I wanted them to be with me for different reasons.

So what is this all about?

I wanted K there with me because this is what I have always done.  Her and me and roller coasters are kind of like peanut butter, jelly and bread.  We are familiar, we know we like the same kinds of rides (the bigger and faster the better).  We ride differently but both have the same fun. She screams, hollers and laughs the whole time waving her arms in the air.  I am quieter, more reserved.  I usually keep my arms down, holding on to the handles.  

It is familiar.  Like a long standing tradition you hope goes on forever.  I mean, for the past 18 years, we have done virtually everything together

I wanted T there for different reason.  For us it would be new.  I don't really know if he was a frequent guest at parks like that, but I know he does not go now.  Mostly, I suspect, because he works so much and he does not really like heights that much.  There were lots of couples there.  Holding hands, hugging, riding together.  Just experiencing everything together.  This is when I thought of T.  I wanted to be with him to be the one I hug when getting off the coolest coaster ever.  I wanted to hold his hand through the loops.  I wanted to look into his eyes and see the smile on his face as the coaster train arrives back in the station.  I wanted to share this thing I love doing so much with him.  I wanted us to be together.  

I knew that an experience like that would strengthen the bonds we are forging now. 

The same thing is happening for K.  Next Tuesday there is an event she really wanted to go to.  I purchased 2 tickets for her.  She immediately called AJ and worked an night out for them.  On the one hand I expected that was going to happen and, in truth, I do not have a lot of interest in the even she is going to.  In the past I would have gone with her and pretended to be interested because it makes her happy.  I guess that's AJ's job now. 

This event will be a new experience for them together and will help build their bond.

So then I was thinking about why it is this way.  K and I have a partnership of sorts, and we always will.  We enjoy each other's company and being together (most of the time).  He have a connection that is familiar and nice.  But what is does not have is passion.  I do not feel it for her because I am gay and so no longer feels it for me  because I am gay.

My passion burns for T.  I am in love with him.  When I am with him the feeling I get inside me are so wonderful.  I want to be with him more and more.  I think as we are able to get together more and do more things together that feeling of companionship with shift from K to T.  At the same time, I expect the feeling from K to shift from me to AJ.  It will never go away, but it will continue to diminish for a while until it reaches a point of equilibrium.  

Once we reach that balance thing will be more stable and I will have my head screwed on straighter.

1 comment:

jlo said...

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