Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Should Have Kept Pretending?

Tonight I set up the bed I bought last week.  K washed and dried the bedding.  I am ready to sleep my first night alone (at least when both of us are home).  That was not the end of the world really.  Since I am adverse to change, it was a big deal for me, but  not really that much.

The bigger deal is the kids.  Of course they want to know why there is a bed downstairs and they all want to sleep on it.  Who is going to sleep there, they ask.

Tonight is the night.  Just before bed time, we call a family meeting.

We tell the kids that mommy and daddy love them very much and we still love each other, but sometimes, mommies and daddies can't stay married anymore.  I can immediately see the change in my youngest son's face.  He is getting upset.  He does not cry of say anything, but I can see it.  They all know friends who have divorces parents.  We assure them that we will not be like that.  I am staying in the house.  We will still be a family.  We will still do things together as a family.  It's just that daddy will be sleeping in the den.

After we talk, let them ask questions (they had very few) we sent them upstairs to bed.  Even youngest son seemed to calm down.  I sent a text to T letting him know what we had done and that the kinds either did not understand or they did not really care.

Then youngest son comes downstairs.  He is carrying my pillow from the bed I shared with K and brings it to my  new bed.  I start thinking that it was nice of him.  I walk into that room and he is laying on the bed, face first in my pillow crying.  I lay down next to him.  "YS?" I ask. "What's going on?  Why are you crying?"

"You are breaking up!" he sobs. "We are going to be a broken family!"

He has a friend who's parents are divorced and they are openly hostile to each other.  I am sure that he thinks K and I will be like that.  I assure him that every day after work I will come home to this house.  The house he lives in and I will be there for him, every day.  Nothing has changed concerning that.

I call K over, and the 3 of us are laying on my new bed.  We both tell him that we are going to remain a family.  We are going to both be there for him, his brothers and sister.  

After more crying, we eventually get him calmed down so he can go to bed.  

I feel like crap.  I feel like I should have just stayed in the closet and pretended.  Feel like all the advice I gave to Living Fiction the other day was just a load of crap.  How the hell am I passing out advise, when I had not even told my kids K and I are splitting.  We still have not told them anything about the gay thing.  (one thing at a time)  Now I am pull of regret.  And some anger.  Why did God have to make gay people?  If he did have to make some people gay, why did he have to make the bible so that people like me feel the need to hide and lie about who they are.  

One day this will not happen to people.  Gay kids will be able to be who they really are from the beginning.  They will not get married to straight people, just to fit in. This will not have to happen to families.

So I am thinking I should have just kept pretending.  It was not really that bad.  K and I are really close and get along pretty good, it would have been OK.  I told K this.  I also sent T a message saying basically the same thing.

K told me to get over it.  She asked, "When you came out to me, what did you think was going to happen?  You need to get suck it up and pretend that everything is OK."

T told me to stop running from my problems and face them.  He said, "...snap out of it and deal with it head on.  No use moping..." Then he reminded me that he loves me, K loves me and the kids will still love me too.

Of course, they are both right.  

I am going to be cranky and depressed tonight.  I am going to go to sleep in my new bed.  I am going to wake up with a positive attitude in the morning.

Good Night.


LivingFiction said...

Good morning - I hope you have awakened with that new attitude.

That was tough stuff last night. It's understandable that you felt the way you did. Anyone would!

And, for the record, I'm still thankful for your gut-honest reply to my post about "status quo." Reread it ... it is good advice!

manxxman said...

You're going to have days like this, it can't be helped.....anymore than you can change who you are. I agree with T......face them head on. At least you have a wife that loves and supports you for who you are and is dealing with it a hell of a lot better than most. And you have T, so you have people you can lean on. Be grateful. The kids will be fine. All they really want is to be assured that their lives won't now fold into crap.

jlo said...

I hope that you are having a good day. I agree with both of the previous comments but I would like to add how proud I am of you and the courage that it has taken to make the decisions that you have made and then be able to follow through with them. This may sound corney but it will get better. LOVE AND HUGS

Traveler said...

So sorry. Hard things happen on this journey as we both well know. It will be worth it. Have faith

My new blog:

RB said...

Divorce sucks for kids