Sunday, May 30, 2010

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

This is post 200 for Conflicting Clarity.  I had no idea that I was so long winded.

Over the past couple of days I have gone back and read some of my earlier posts.  I think about the person I am today and the situation I am in today. I feel like I am the same person, but also very different. 

199 posts ago I was in a very dark place and I did not think there was a way out of it.  All I knew at that time was I was a gay man in a straight marriage that was not sustainable.  But I did not see a way to the place where K and I could both be happy.  Where I could keep my family intact.  Where I could keep my promises to K, or at least most of them.  Where I could live my life honestly, without lying to everyone I encountered.

I am approaching that place.  I am not there yet, but I can almost see it over the horizon.  It's kind of like being on a very long drive, the ones longer than 12 hours. As you drive you are just driving.  You think you are never going to get there.  After a while you become numb.  But then you see the sign on the interstate, you know the ones that tell you how far it is to the next city.  You see the one with your destination city on it.  You finally start to feel like the trip might eventually end.

I can see the light at the end of my tunnel.  I think I have the hardest parts done. 

T and I are connecting on a level that we had not before.  We are in love with each other.  I can see the time when he and I will be some us.

K and I have reached a place where we really can be best friends.  We are supportive to each other and she is not angry anymore.

We have told the kids, K and I are separating and they seem to be OK.  

I still need to tell them I am gay.  We still have friends and family we have not told we are separating, but now that the kids know, it is OK to tell other family members.    I have to tell other people I am gay.  Including friends who will be very surprised.  I do not know how they will react.  I wish there was a way to avoid that, but K and I are so good together, no one would believe that her and I are splitting because we just don't get along.  

I will eventually come out at work.  While there is no danger of losing my job because I am gay (the company offers same sex domestic partner benefits), I have been working there over 7 years and I talk about my family a lot.  There are only 2 people who know I am gay and I am splitting from K.  Since I really enjoy talking about my family it is only a matter of time before everyone knows.  I am not sure how people will react.

I want to thank all the readers and fellow bloggers who have followed my journey and offered support over the past 10 months.  Your support has been invaluable.  I am not sure could have come this far without your support.

I have a lot left to do to life openly & honestly, but I am sure I am on the right path.  I will continue to writing about my journey and I invite anyone who wants to, to come along.  I would really enjoy the company.


Tom (Thomas) Rimington said...

You know I'll be there... We share many of the same experiences... I just wish my wife and I could have remained the friends we were for over 20 years as I came out...

Keep writing my friend, if it does for you, what it does for me, it cleanses the soul...



manxxman said...

It used to be that you were bumping along the road.....daily experiences were the road has smooth out considerably and you've picked up speed. Oh there will be the odd will throw you for a loop initially.....but you've done most of the hard work now.

If when you come out to family and friends there is the odd one that can't deal with's ok, it's their problem really not yours.

Java said...

You have made fantastic progress. You have every right to be proud.