Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Feeling Uncomfortable

I am not feeling Uncomfortable, K's boyfriend, AJ is, just a little anyway.  I asked if he was uncomfortable because I am gay, she didn't thinks so.

I think she is uncomfortable because our situation is so unique.  he told her he could not think of anyone that would react the way she is.  We do not fight, very much.  We are still best friends, and getting better.  We are probably going to continue to live in the same house for the foreseeable future so we can more effectively co-parent the kids and neither of has to be a single parent.

She thinks AJ will get used to the idea and she has told him this situation is what it is and I am not going away anytime soon.  I hope he does.  Sometimes discomfort turns into something else.  I hope that does not happen.  K really likes AJ and he seems to like her.  I would hate to be the cause of this getting screwed up.

In other news, I have been in contact with T and we have made arrangement to meet up.  It was supposed to be this weekend, but he has a family function on one day and I have one on the other day.  Grrrr.  Now we will have to wait until next weekend.

All indications are he will give me another chance.  I have lost count of how many times.  Might be 4 or 5.  Yikes.  At first glance you might thing he is desperate.  He is not.  He is a VERY attractive guy and I know when he has a profile up on the dating sites, he gets a fair amount of attention.  

You might think it is because I am incredibly hot.  I'm not.  At least I don't think so.  He says I am handsome, but I doubt it's enough to put up with my crap.  

There is only one more explanation.  He loves me.  After everything, he loves me and is at least willing to talk about taking me back.  There are still things to work out between us, but just that he is talking to me, makes me happy.

So one the one hand, I have a man who loves me and I am in love with who cannot be a partner who will live with me.  On the other hand I have a burning desire for a partner who loves me and I am in love with who will live with me.  I have been giving that a lot of thought.

Since I have learned that the love T has for me does not grow on trees.  When a man loves you that way, it is a gift.  It is a treasure that you should hold on to.  Of course, the other part of that is I am in love with him too.  The way I feel when we are together there is a feeling in my belly that I just cannot describe in words.  When he holds me, I feel complete.  I feel safe.  I feel loved.

So he cannot live with me, at least not for a long time.  I have explained why before.  That is a desire of mine.  To have my partner with me all the time.  To experience the day elements of life together.  I want that badly, but I also want T.  I want him badly.

He has told me many times that for my situation, there will be no perfect solution.  So let's see where I stand.  K is no longer angry (at least 99% not angry), actually seems happy sometimes and is still my best friend.  T still loves me and is willing to consider being my boyfriend again.  I am still in love with him.  He cannot be a full time (live in) partner.  So of the 4 things that are really important to me, I have 3 of them.

I think I am coming to realize that it is the love that might be the most important.  That to have that love between 2 men is a rare thing.   For all the things he gives to me, maybe I can just love him in return and make a sacrifice.  Sacrifice the dream of having a live in partner, at least for now, in exchange for that in love feeling.

I have been wrestling with what my life should be for too long.  I have been in analysis paralysis too long.  I am nearing the end of my deliberations.  It will not be long before I make a leap of faith.

Leap into the arms of the man I love and who loves me back.


manxxman said...

Ok he's the deal. I think you are beginning to find out that "love" isn't necessarily like the fairy tales they comes in all sorts of packages.....some more conventional than other, but not necessarily any more complete.

You will have a lot on your plate over the coming 10 to 15 years what with raising your children.....once that's done you'll want someone there all the both need to learn to accept what the other is capable of it's a bit unconventional.....the only ones that should care are you and T.

LivingFiction said...

On your wife and AJ - I think he may feel threatened with you in the house ... not sure you're "really gay" and because of your history with your wife, may slip back in the sack!

You and K need to reassure him that you really ARE gay ... and pose no threat.

My two cents :-)