Sunday, May 30, 2010

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

This is post 200 for Conflicting Clarity.  I had no idea that I was so long winded.


Over the past couple of days I have gone back and read some of my earlier posts.  I think about the person I am today and the situation I am in today. I feel like I am the same person, but also very different. 


199 posts ago I was in a very dark place and I did not think there was a way out of it.  All I knew at that time was I was a gay man in a straight marriage that was not sustainable.  But I did not see a way to the place where K and I could both be happy.  Where I could keep my family intact.  Where I could keep my promises to K, or at least most of them.  Where I could live my life honestly, without lying to everyone I encountered.


I am approaching that place.  I am not there yet, but I can almost see it over the horizon.  It's kind of like being on a very long drive, the ones longer than 12 hours. As you drive you are just driving.  You think you are never going to get there.  After a while you become numb.  But then you see the sign on the interstate, you know the ones that tell you how far it is to the next city.  You see the one with your destination city on it.  You finally start to feel like the trip might eventually end.


I can see the light at the end of my tunnel.  I think I have the hardest parts done. 


T and I are connecting on a level that we had not before.  We are in love with each other.  I can see the time when he and I will be some us.


K and I have reached a place where we really can be best friends.  We are supportive to each other and she is not angry anymore.


We have told the kids, K and I are separating and they seem to be OK.  


I still need to tell them I am gay.  We still have friends and family we have not told we are separating, but now that the kids know, it is OK to tell other family members.    I have to tell other people I am gay.  Including friends who will be very surprised.  I do not know how they will react.  I wish there was a way to avoid that, but K and I are so good together, no one would believe that her and I are splitting because we just don't get along.  


I will eventually come out at work.  While there is no danger of losing my job because I am gay (the company offers same sex domestic partner benefits), I have been working there over 7 years and I talk about my family a lot.  There are only 2 people who know I am gay and I am splitting from K.  Since I really enjoy talking about my family it is only a matter of time before everyone knows.  I am not sure how people will react.


I want to thank all the readers and fellow bloggers who have followed my journey and offered support over the past 10 months.  Your support has been invaluable.  I am not sure could have come this far without your support.


I have a lot left to do to life openly & honestly, but I am sure I am on the right path.  I will continue to writing about my journey and I invite anyone who wants to, to come along.  I would really enjoy the company.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Need A Little Me and You Time

I go through phases.


Sometimes I crave being with other people.  I feel so alone that I just need to go where there are people how like me.  It's can't just be any people.  Going to a mall alone, would make it worse.  I have to go where people know me.


Other times I just want to be with the people who are closest to me. The people who really know me.  The people I feel safe with.  That could be K & and kids.  Or it could be me and T alone.


But there are times, when I don't want to be with anyone.  I want to be alone.  With no one else in sight. I don't want to hear anyone else talk.  I don't want to look at anyone else.  I just want to be by myself.  It happens to me a lot.


I frequently eat lunch alone.  I know people who hate eating alone, but sometimes I prefer it.  I have no problem waking into a restaurant and saying, "It's just me." to the perky chick at the front door.  (Why is it always a girl with perky tits?)  Sometimes I bring something to read or work on.  Sometimes I read the news on my Blackberry.  Sometimes I just think.  I reflect on the day.  I think about work or others things going on in my life.  


Today is not one of those days.


Today is the second kind of day.  I have been home helping with the kids and doing stuff so K is not stressed out as much about her friend and the talk they are going to have to have soon, maybe tonight.  The kids have not always been cooperative and I am a little frustrated.  K and her friend are probably going to go out tonight and leave me alone with the kids.


I want to be with T.  I want to go somewhere, anywhere with him.  I miss him very much. I wish that her would come here, but he can't tonight.  He has another obligation that I understand, but I miss him anyway.  I know he misses me too and he would rather be here than doing what he is doing.


Oh well.



Rainy Day, Bud Light w/ Lime, & Drunk Blogging

OK, so, I like Bud Light w/ Lime.  Does that make me gay?  Or does the fact I am gay influence my choice in beer?


Here is what I DO know.  When I got home I had to cut the front and the side yards.  I finished just in time before one of those summer time thunderstorms blew in.  Well it blew in all right.  Usually, these storms form elsewhere and blow over the house.  It rains and thunders for about 30 min and then it is over.  Not tonight.  Tonight it formed directly over my house and rained hard for 3 or 4 hours.


So after cutting part of the grass I was thirsty and hot.  I needed a beer.  I grabbed a Bud Light w/ Lime and it tasted so good.  I had another one while I watched the storm.  Then another one. (I had my 5 year old daughter get it for me).  Then with dinner I had another one.  The while surfing the net after dinner I had another one.  I had another while chatting with IG and another one while chatting with T.  I think that adds up to 7 beers.


I used to drink a lot.  I mean like when I was in college.  But not now.  In fact I bought the 7 beers I drank over 2 months ago.  So add the fact I rarely drink to the fact I had & in 2 hours and you can guess the condition I have been in tonight.


Even now I have a pretty good buzz.  But I am not drinking to escape bad feelings.  I actually feel great. I mean really.  I have T who loves me.  My kids love me.  K loves me AND she has found a straight guy that gives her the passion she craves.  What more could I ask for?  I think I have it all.


Chatting with IG was nice.  He is coming to peace with his ex wife, ex (not so ex) boyfriend and with himself.  I am glad.


The I chatted with T for a long while.  I really am in love with him.  I just can't stop thinking about him.  I know both of our family situations are difficult now, but I know, I KNOW, that one day we will be together as real partners.  I do not know how exactly we will achieve this, I just know we will.  One day he will be my husband.  I very much look forward to that day.


I am going to bed now and hope I will not be hungover in the morning.


Wish me luck.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sunset Together and Cookies

I had a productive day at work today.


After work, I took down the ceiling fan I hung on Monday and re-hung a new one.  I just didn't like how the old one was working.


I got a shit-load of text messages from T today, mostly this morning.  I can't help but smile when I hear from him.  Just knowing he is thinking about me, improves my mood.


We have been thinking about taking a 2 day trip.  The soonest it could be is Labor Day.  Mostly because of his work. I don't think I mentioned what kind of work he does here, but when he had his blog (which he deleted) he mentioned a few times he is a doctor.  I am hoping that is OK.  He owns his own practice and his straight sister (who is also a doctor) works with him. I am not going to talk about his practice except to say that it is very busy.  So much so that he is hiring a 3rd doctor who will start later this summer.


Once that new doc is up to speed, T thinks he will be able to take a few days off.  Labor day weekend will be the perfect time.  I am very, VERY excited about the prospect of taking some time and being with him for a few days.  Just us.  No going home at the end of the evening.  Just us.


Maybe we would be watching the sunset like these people.  


Except, we would be sitting closer together.   


--------------------------
K has spent all day with D.  He has been quiet, more so than usual.  She has not yet told him definitively, that while she values his friendship, she does not have the spark with him.


At the same time she has not heard much of AJ (who does know the situation with D).  She told me today that she finds herself thinking about him all the time, and misses not hearing from him.  I told it is clear that she is falling in love with him and I was happy for her.  She sushed me.  That is too scary to think about, she said.


She seemed to be OK when I got home from work, just the normal stress from the kids on a sunny day.  But at about 9:30, while I was still working on the ceiling fan I could tell something was very wrong.  She did not say anything, but I could tell.  


She was baking cookies.  Baking, especially at night, is a sure sign something is wrong or stressing her out.


For the record, I only ate one.  A small one.



A Nice Surprise

Today K's friend D comes to visit for a week.  I have not written about him in a while.  I will full you in on that tomorrow.


K has a practice for one of the teams she coaches on Wednesdays.  But tonight she had to cancel it at the last minute. That is good news for me.  You see T does not work on Thursdays and he is usually available to meet on Wednesdays, but I was never able to do that because I had to be with the kids while K coaches. It is work after all.  It was extra good news because since D is visiting, I will not have an opportunity to get out to visit T this weekend.


So I call him.  Yes, he can meet me for dinner.  SWEEEET!!  


I have to get a few things at the store, change my clothes quick and then I head to his office where I can pick him up.  He was a little late getting out so  waited in the car.  When finally came running out, he looked SOOOO good.  I was so happy to see him.


He got in my car and immediately grasped my hand.  I liked that so much I took a picture.  T's hand is the one on top.  The fingernails are mine.  The leg in the blue jeans are mine too.


We went and had a nice dinner, I dropped him at home, and I got home just in time for K to leave and run to the airport.  D's flight arrived at almost 11:00pm.


When I left work I did not think I would see him this week, but by the time I got home, we had a plan to meet for dinner. What a nice surprise!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Coming Out of Denial

I slept like crap last night.  I was cranky  when I finally went to bed and sleeping on a new bed is always bad.  I used to travel a lot for my work, and I would never sleep well the first night or two in a hotel.  I guess sleeping on this bed is a lot like being in a hotel.


But I did wake up with a new attitude.  I felt better.  Partly because when I woke up I could see that my youngest son was acting normally and getting ready for school as usual.


The I was thinking about 2 things K said last night.  One thing made me realize that even thought I identify as a gay man and have fallen in love with a man, I still live a very straight (and safe) life.  I go out with T and when we are together I am comfortable with him and being in love with him.  Then I come home to K and the kids, climb into bed with her and go to sleep in my straight life.  


As changed to my relationship with K happens it is becoming more and more difficult to be in denial about my changing life.  About what it will really be like to be divorced from K and living openly as gay.


Moving out of my room and into my own bed is one of those things that is making denial harder.  I think I realized that last night, subconsciously anyway.  After sleeping on it, I think that is exactly what it is.  Now that I can put a name to this, I am not so scared of it.


The other thing K mentioned was that if she did not still care for me, I would not be moving to a room downstairs.  I would collecting my belongings from a smoldering pile in the front yard of my house.


I guess, I'm pretty lucky.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Should Have Kept Pretending?

Tonight I set up the bed I bought last week.  K washed and dried the bedding.  I am ready to sleep my first night alone (at least when both of us are home).  That was not the end of the world really.  Since I am adverse to change, it was a big deal for me, but  not really that much.


The bigger deal is the kids.  Of course they want to know why there is a bed downstairs and they all want to sleep on it.  Who is going to sleep there, they ask.


Tonight is the night.  Just before bed time, we call a family meeting.


We tell the kids that mommy and daddy love them very much and we still love each other, but sometimes, mommies and daddies can't stay married anymore.  I can immediately see the change in my youngest son's face.  He is getting upset.  He does not cry of say anything, but I can see it.  They all know friends who have divorces parents.  We assure them that we will not be like that.  I am staying in the house.  We will still be a family.  We will still do things together as a family.  It's just that daddy will be sleeping in the den.


After we talk, let them ask questions (they had very few) we sent them upstairs to bed.  Even youngest son seemed to calm down.  I sent a text to T letting him know what we had done and that the kinds either did not understand or they did not really care.


Then youngest son comes downstairs.  He is carrying my pillow from the bed I shared with K and brings it to my  new bed.  I start thinking that it was nice of him.  I walk into that room and he is laying on the bed, face first in my pillow crying.  I lay down next to him.  "YS?" I ask. "What's going on?  Why are you crying?"


"You are breaking up!" he sobs. "We are going to be a broken family!"


He has a friend who's parents are divorced and they are openly hostile to each other.  I am sure that he thinks K and I will be like that.  I assure him that every day after work I will come home to this house.  The house he lives in and I will be there for him, every day.  Nothing has changed concerning that.


I call K over, and the 3 of us are laying on my new bed.  We both tell him that we are going to remain a family.  We are going to both be there for him, his brothers and sister.  


After more crying, we eventually get him calmed down so he can go to bed.  


I feel like crap.  I feel like I should have just stayed in the closet and pretended.  Feel like all the advice I gave to Living Fiction the other day was just a load of crap.  How the hell am I passing out advise, when I had not even told my kids K and I are splitting.  We still have not told them anything about the gay thing.  (one thing at a time)  Now I am pull of regret.  And some anger.  Why did God have to make gay people?  If he did have to make some people gay, why did he have to make the bible so that people like me feel the need to hide and lie about who they are.  


One day this will not happen to people.  Gay kids will be able to be who they really are from the beginning.  They will not get married to straight people, just to fit in. This will not have to happen to families.


So I am thinking I should have just kept pretending.  It was not really that bad.  K and I are really close and get along pretty good, it would have been OK.  I told K this.  I also sent T a message saying basically the same thing.


K told me to get over it.  She asked, "When you came out to me, what did you think was going to happen?  You need to get suck it up and pretend that everything is OK."


T told me to stop running from my problems and face them.  He said, "...snap out of it and deal with it head on.  No use moping..." Then he reminded me that he loves me, K loves me and the kids will still love me too.


Of course, they are both right.  


I am going to be cranky and depressed tonight.  I am going to go to sleep in my new bed.  I am going to wake up with a positive attitude in the morning.


Good Night.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Companionship & Passion

Yesterday at the park, I was thinking about stuff, while following the kids around.


Yesterday was the first time in almost 20 years that I rode a roller coaster with out K in the seat next to me.  For a little while I was sad about that.  I missed her companion ship and how much more fun I would be having is she was there with me.


At the same time, I spent a lot of time thinking about T.  I was thinking how much more fun I would be having if he were there with me.  It occurred to me that these 2 thoughts did not really go together.  And I wanted them to be with me for different reasons.


So what is this all about?


I wanted K there with me because this is what I have always done.  Her and me and roller coasters are kind of like peanut butter, jelly and bread.  We are familiar, we know we like the same kinds of rides (the bigger and faster the better).  We ride differently but both have the same fun. She screams, hollers and laughs the whole time waving her arms in the air.  I am quieter, more reserved.  I usually keep my arms down, holding on to the handles.  


It is familiar.  Like a long standing tradition you hope goes on forever.  I mean, for the past 18 years, we have done virtually everything together


I wanted T there for different reason.  For us it would be new.  I don't really know if he was a frequent guest at parks like that, but I know he does not go now.  Mostly, I suspect, because he works so much and he does not really like heights that much.  There were lots of couples there.  Holding hands, hugging, riding together.  Just experiencing everything together.  This is when I thought of T.  I wanted to be with him to be the one I hug when getting off the coolest coaster ever.  I wanted to hold his hand through the loops.  I wanted to look into his eyes and see the smile on his face as the coaster train arrives back in the station.  I wanted to share this thing I love doing so much with him.  I wanted us to be together.  


I knew that an experience like that would strengthen the bonds we are forging now. 


The same thing is happening for K.  Next Tuesday there is an event she really wanted to go to.  I purchased 2 tickets for her.  She immediately called AJ and worked an night out for them.  On the one hand I expected that was going to happen and, in truth, I do not have a lot of interest in the even she is going to.  In the past I would have gone with her and pretended to be interested because it makes her happy.  I guess that's AJ's job now. 


This event will be a new experience for them together and will help build their bond.


So then I was thinking about why it is this way.  K and I have a partnership of sorts, and we always will.  We enjoy each other's company and being together (most of the time).  He have a connection that is familiar and nice.  But what is does not have is passion.  I do not feel it for her because I am gay and so no longer feels it for me  because I am gay.


My passion burns for T.  I am in love with him.  When I am with him the feeling I get inside me are so wonderful.  I want to be with him more and more.  I think as we are able to get together more and do more things together that feeling of companionship with shift from K to T.  At the same time, I expect the feeling from K to shift from me to AJ.  It will never go away, but it will continue to diminish for a while until it reaches a point of equilibrium.  


Once we reach that balance thing will be more stable and I will have my head screwed on straighter.

Why I love being a Dad

Yesterday, my middle son's class took a field trip to an local amusement park.  It is a pretty big one with lots of roller coasters, which are my FAVORITE thing.


Initially K had volunteered to be a chaperon.  The assumption was that since it was happening on a week day I would be unable to go with him.  Middle son then asked K not to go.  He would prefer that I went with him. Of course she was a little disappointed, but she understood.


MS and I had a really good time.  I had to look after one other kid, who was annoying, but we had a great time.  MS had to ride to the park on the bus provided by the school, but he was allowed to come home with me.  On the approx hour ride home we talked about how cool all the coasters were.


Then he said, "Do you know why I wanted you yo come?"


"Sure.  Why?"  I asked


"Because I wanted to to have time off from work.  You are always so busy, even at home, working and typing."  (I do a lot of writing for my job.)


I almost started to cry.  That was so sweet coming from my 13 year old boy.  It tells me he was concerned about me and it also tells me he put some thought into the choice of which parent came with him.


I came home and told K about what MS had said.  She said was a good window into the kind of person he is growing into.

Living Fiction, Selfishness, and Tough Love


I have never written a posting in response to a post on another blog before (at least I don't think I have), but I am today.

I closely follow "Living Fiction".  He actually started reading my blog, we exchanged some personal e-mail and the he started his own blog.  I read his because his situation is similar to mine in may respects.  I am posting here about it because he is struggling, much the same way I have been struggling for the past 2+ years.  I read a post he put up on May 20 titled "Status Quo" and it touched me.  I was going to simply comment on it, but as I starting writing it got longer and longer so I figured I would just put it here.

So consider this an open letter/comment kind of thing.

------------------------------

I am not even sure where to start with this one.  Please remember to take everything I am about to say with an understanding that I have walked the path you are on right now and I am supporting you, even if it may not sound like it.  (Think tough love)  Also know that this is based on my personal experience and I offer it only to give you my perspective to think about, not that you should actually follow my advice.  I mean, really, what the hell do I know???

The truth is, for people like you and me, like it or not, the status quo is no longer an option.  No matter how hard you pretend it is, no matter how much you debate, you are putting off the inevitable.  

Consider this made up story:

If you are working in ministry, I am going to assume you graduated from divinity school and are ordained through some "ordaining" body.  You needed these credentials to get your job.  Let's say for fun, you did not go to school and instead purchased a forged diploma, transcripts and ordination paperwork.  You got a job with your faked credentials.  No one discovered your deception and for the next 20 years you have a successful career.  Supervisors are happy with your work and parishioners like you.

Through some accident, your bishop (or whatever) discovers your papers are forgeries.  You have lied about your education and experience.  When confronted you admit the truth to the bishop.  Even though you are good at what you do, all of it, ALL OF IT, is based on a lie.  You have been living this lie for all this time.  You have lied to the face of every parent of every baby you baptize. You have lied to the grieving family every time you conducted a funeral.  Every Sunday you got up in front of the people who have trusted their souls to your guidance and lied to them, right to their faces.  Pretending to be something you are not.

Maybe the bishop over looks this for a while.  Maybe he does not tell anyone.  After all, you have done a good job over the years.  You keep God's commandments and give good advice and counsel to your parishioners. While your outward behavior has been appropriate, it is now known, to the bishop anyway, to be based on a lie.  If you will lie about your credentials, what else have you lied about?  The bishop can't help but question your integrity.  Whether you want to or not, once the cat is out of the bag, you can no longer run from it.  You can no longer hide.

Of course this is a made up story, but I think it is analogous.

You have come out to yourself.  You have come out to M.  The cat is out of the bag.  Your ship has sailed and you cannot return to your home port.  Now you must find another port before you run out of gas.  There is a lot of flexibility in which port you choose to stop, but you cannot go back to the one you started from.

Think about this:
If M is like most people today, when you told her you are gay, she did some internet research.  She will read everything she can about “the gay”.  She will come to realize that while you love her and the kids, you do not love her in the same way.  She will realize that, at least some of the time, when you are making love together, you may not be seeing her face when you close your eyes. 

You say that you have obeyed your vow to be faithful to her.  While that may be true in the physical sense, can you say that you think only of her?  I’ll bet you can’t.  In that regard you have already been unfaithful.  While you may live with your wife “until death do us part” are you really being faithful in the way that she believed you were when you said the vows? 

Keep in mind, I have no doubt you believed your vows when you said them.  God knows I did.  I believed that gay was just a set of behaviors and as long as I did not do them, I was not gay.  WRONG!  A gay man in denial is not a straight man.  A gay man in denial is just a gay man in denial.  I was.  For a long time.  Once I came out to myself and to my wife, that is what set me on the path I am on today.  Sometimes I walked the path willingly, other times I tried to back track, but in the end, it is a path I had to walk.  There was really no turning back.  I could not go back to the lie.

You talked about being true to who you are as being selfish, and you are being self-less by maintaining the status quo.  Then you answered your own question.

In my own life, especially the changes that have happened to me in the past 8 weeks or so, I have come to realize that my struggle to maintain my status quo was itself, selfish.  Yes, there is a concern for upending the kids, but I have recently come to believe that was a load of crap I just told myself to make me feel better. 

It was easier for ME to maintain the status quo.  For 2 years I tried and what happened?  I made myself and everyone around me miserable.  What happened with I told K that I am in love with T and that even though my love for her is strong, deep and permanent, it is not the love that she wants from her husband.  My passion is not for her, it is for T.  Now that she knows, she is free to open her heart to another man.  It has been VERY difficult for me to watch her move on with another man, but I know it is the right thing to do.  It is probably the most unselfish thing I have ever done.

Your passion is not for M, it is for an-as-yet-undiscovered man. And now she knows it, or at least suspects it. You have said before that you sex life has diminished.  That she is not as interested as she once was.  Why do you think that is?  Maybe because she knows your passion does not burn for her.  Maybe she sees that your marriage is based on forged credentials.  I don’t know her so I cannot speak for her, but you do.  Deep down you know what she is thinking.

Maybe the selfless thing to do is to admit how you are feeling to her.  You need to let her decide for herself what she wants, feels and needs.  It may be that she wants for you to work it out together.  That does not mean necessarily maintaining the status quo (remember that is still a lie).  But at least you would be giving her the chance to be an active participant in the decision making.  If you try to control everything (like I did) you will eventually make a mess (like I did) they you may not be able to recover from.  I was lucky.  K places a high value on our unusual friendship.  In our marriage, we faced many problems together and now we are facing separation the same way, together.  In the process she is free to find someone who passion DOES burn for her.

If you read the earlier posts in my blog, you can see where I puzzled about everything.  I weighed and re-weighed every option.  In the process I kept her on the edge.  Never quite ready to pull the trigger and tell her I was in love with T and I was not in love with her.  It kept her in this strange limbo for a very long time.   It was torture for her.  On more than one occasion she called it cruel.  So was I being selfless or selfish in my futile attempt to maintain my perception of the status quo?  At the time I thought I was selfless.  Now, I am not so sure.

What I have seen is now that she is free from limbo, she is happier.  She is a better mom to the kids.  She is a better friend to me. She smiles and laughs sometimes too. She is on her way to finding her happiness.  And so am I.  This time honestly.

I can't say how your situation will play out.  I hope it works out as well as mine is heading (there is still aways for me to go).  If I learned one thing from my long drawn out saga, it is to tell her the truth early.  

Friday, May 21, 2010

Feeling Better


K and I had a good talk the other night.  We got out a lot of stuff.  I feel better about how she feels about me and our friendship.


She still has some hard feelings about my relationship with T.  Not because of him, or me, or even the fact we have a relationship.  But because it was dishonest about it.   Way back, when T and I first met, I lied to her about the nature about our relationship.  This caused a breakdown in trust that she has never quite gotten over.


K is the kind of person who trusts everyone, until she has a reason not to.  Once the trust is gone, it's gone.  There is redemption, but it takes a long time.  It is not a big mistrust, but there is a nagging ... something ... that still bugs her.  Last night, she told me that she realizes that it is her problem to get over.  She will work on it.  


I know she will, T is important to me and she knows that.  I do not need for him and K to be friends, but I need them to be friendly.  I need for them to be comfortable.  It is not about T.  It is about me lying to her.  That is her hang up.  It is not that I am gay.  It is not that I left her for him.  It is just about the dishonesty on my part.  


I do not expect this to be fixed over night, but this is the one last thing I think I need to have worked out.


I chatted online a little bit with Internet Guy.  I had not really talked to him in more than a week and it was nice to talk to catch up.  He has been busy and had some issues to deal with, but things are better now and he was more in a mood to talk.



Going to see T this weekend.  He is mostly moved into his new house, and I have packed my car with everything I need to have a camp fire at his house.  I can't wait to be sitting with him, listening to the crackle of the fire and the frogs in the pond.  Reaching over to hold his hand, I will know that he and I are feeling the same thing.  The same kind love.  I will be who I am.  He will be who he his.  


We will be together.


* sigh *



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Feeling a Sense of Loss

I do not have time to explore it now.  I have no reason to feel this way, all things considered.  But I do.


I am feeling a sense of loss in the past couple of days, that I can't quite explain.


I wonder if it because I bought a bed today.  K and went to Lowe's to look at making our formal dining room (that we do not use) into a bedroom for me.


I am feeling a loss today.



Sunday, May 16, 2010

Soul-mate?

For most of the last 20 years, I have believed K to my soul mate.  I still think that is true.  I have said before, if I was straight, I am sure that K and I would have been married, happily, together forever.


But I think the fact that I am gay, and that even before I was able to admit it, I needed to think about my feelings for K in a different way.  Deep down, I think I knew I did not feel what I was supposed to feel.


I have heard and read about gay men who feel distant or even resentful toward their wifes.  They feel distant about their wifes.  Unconnected.  Heck I know some straight men who feel unconnected to their wives.


But I am connected to her.  Deeply connected.  I have been for a long time.  I am pretty sure she is just as connected to me.  I really hope it stays that way.


Over the past week K and I have been talking about her evolving relationship with AJ.  I am not going to discuss that here, except to say that she is happy with how it is working out for both of them.  I am happy that she is happy.  I am happy that he is treating her correctly.  And I am happy that, at least for now, she says he is not worried about the close relationship that K and I still have and will continue to have.


The fact that she is telling me things that she probably would not tell her best girl friend.  Considering that we are still (technically) married and 6 months ago I was worried we were descending into bitterness, her telling me intimate details makes me feel pretty good.  It helps me know she is still connected to me.


But, can a gay man and a straight woman be soul-mates?  Did that end when I revealed I was in love with someone else or she she stopped being in love with me?  Should AJ be her new soul-mate and T be mine?  Can you have more than one soul-mate?  Is there such a thing as a soul-mate in the first place?  Is it important?


I think there is a name for the connection that K and I share after all this time.  There is something about us that is not like other couples when the husband comes out.  There is something that still binds us together.


We should probably write a book.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Happiness, This Exit >>>

K and I were in the van with all the kids.  They were all watching a movie and wearing headphones.  We were talking about how different things are now.  How much better.  Again she reminded me that if I had just listened to her int he beginning we would have been in this place a long time ago. 


On the one hand, much of the last 2 years was a waste of time, but on the other, there were a lot of things I needed to work out for myself.  Most of the really hard stuff is done.


There is some stuff left to do that will be stressful.



  1. We have to tell the kids we are splitting up.
  2. We (I) have to tell the kids I am gay.
  3. We have to tell the rest of our friends that we are splitting because I am gay
  4. I have to adjust to K  being with someone else and the loss of some of the closeness we now share.
  5. I have to build my relationship with T.  I don't expect this one to be stressful, in fact I expect it will be a lot of fun.  But it still has to be done.  I am in love with him and I really want to make this last a long time, hopefully forever.  But relationships like that need more than just a spark to keep going.


K and I had the weekend split up.  She was going out with AJ on Friday and I was to see T on Saturday.  We had a few unexpected kid related things pop up on Friday and her date got screwed up.  She was very disappointed and a little frustrated. 

I talked to T about changing our date night or, maybe he could come to my house while she was gone.  He is not comfortable coming to my house yet, so he suggested we cancel out date to let K go.  His idea was that since she is just getting her relationship going, it is more important she has her time with him when she can.

I thought that was nice.  So did K.

So now she is out, I am home with the kids and T is at his house, where his mother has put him to work in her garden.  

I will see him next week for sure.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Won't Someone Think Of The Children

Neither K and I are seeing our shrink anymore.  


We don't really need them anymore.  Together we are in a good place and separately we are in good places too.  But we did go and see the one K was seeing today.  We wanted to get some advice.


With me dating T and K dating AJ, and AJ having a teen daughter, who knows they are dating, it is time to tell our kids what is going on.  K and I have to tell them at least that we are separating.  I don't know if we will advertise the relationships with T and AJ at this time, but sooner or later they will figure it out.


The relationship with K and AJ will be much easier for the kids to see.  They are tuned to see straight relationships.  My relationship with T will be a little harder for them to spot, but, sooner or later they will find that out too.  Then will find out that I am gay.


We are not going to get into the gay thing with the kids yet.  We will wait for that later.


Since we are going to continue to live int he same house with the kids, there is should not be a whole lot of change for them.


I have going to see T on Saturday.  I am very excited about.  I have talked to him a few times this week, but not as much as I would like. It's really my fault, I have a had a TON of work I have had to bring home every night.  


Last Saturday, when we were together, we connected like we had not been apart.  It was so nice to be with him and I could tell that I am really in love with him.  


I am feeling better, happier, today than I have in a long time.  I am grateful to K for sporting me and not going crazy and to T for loving me.  Things are working out for me and I am happy about it.  K pointed out that she told me over a year ago that everything would be OK.  


I guess I should have listed to her in the beginning.